Confrontation and Insults

So I just want to start a discussion and just sort of vent this out. I've been dealing with some odd internal "clinger" thoughts as I like to call them. Usually insults or embarrassing events from years ago that kind of resurface because there are just SO many triggers EVERYWHERE. I mean, I am constantly asking myself what the hell the problem is, why am I so effected? what is in an insult that makes me feel so intensely negative and why do I feel this strong hatred and anger towards the aggressive person. ALSO, why do I have such a huge problem with confrontation and why can't I just do it more often? I see people being bullied and insulted and I want to defend them, even friends and people I know, yet I'm very much a pacifist. I do praise myself for some of these qualities, such as having high empathy and being a pacifist, and I am proud of these qualities as they make me a good person, but if I have to stifle my emotion and empathy to teach someone a lesson, I want to know if there are any methods of doing this. I want to be able to "digest" my negative experiences and discard them, not have them get attached to every new thing I do. Any positive responses welcome. Thanks.

Hey
I know this very well...upwelling negative thoughts from years ago. Most of the time I can somewhat ignore them, but sometimes they get out of hand and I can't distract myself anymore. I also know this feeling of being trapped in a craving for vingeangce, raging hatred against the bullies which I havn't seen in years...
It enobles you that you have the urge to defend other people who undergo the same as you did.
I don't really kow how to find the inner strength and self-confidence to walk up to bullies and make them stop. If I show too much vulnerabillity, they will just be happy about having found another victim...
I think one problem in me would be if I tried to face/stand up against arrogant, spiteful and obnoxious people like those who have hurt me in the past, I would most likely break into tears.
There was one particular incident when I was in a new class.... it was only at the beginning of the new school year... and two guys started bullying me.... again. It was hell. I realised I finally had to do something because otherwise hell would go on like all the years before... so I beat one of the two guys up. In front of class (we were supposed to work on our own, teacher was out of class). I only did this on a physical level because I can't think of words in situations of such stress. So I beat him up and cried during it... of course I was considered the "psycho" after this, but I also garnederd some respect.
So: I don't know how to find the spirits to walk up against the bullies, but I can totally empathize with your feelings....

Thanks for responding I can totally agree with your first and second sentence right off the bat. It is like I spend so much energy pushing this down and it just explodes out, but it's never the words specifically (though those do sting at the time). The reason I personally find it easy to insult bullies who have hurt my friends is because I feel justified to do it and that I have a witness. I hold myself much higher than I use to but for some reason I feel like if I'm insulted then I deserve it, (sometimes) as stupid as that sounds. As you say near the end, I have as well exploded into tears and in fact this has been a major limiting factor for me in defending myself, as when I was younger I was always choked up and now that I'm a bit more in control I still feel a lump in my throat as if there's some chunk of food or something keeping me from breathing, and my eyes water and twitch and my muscles literally go crazy lol, I could never fight someone successfully in this state. I'm thankful that I can relate to someone and that we both (and many others) struggle with this fear. I do wonder however WHY? Because I am never actually (directly) bothered by the words. Its always the actions of that person. Just the fact that there is confrontation makes me extremely nervous.

Hey

I still feel a lump in my throat as if there's some chunk of food or something keeping me from breathing, and my eyes water and twitch

You described this pretty well... that's exactly why I never dared to talk or look at the bullies. I'm scared I will have to swallow at weird points in the sentence or that my voice will shiver, and if I look at the confronter he might see my facial expression and realise I'm about to cry, which of course would only encourage him to finally finish me so to say. On the other hand, completely avoiding sight contact and not talking at all makes you a fair good victim, too.
I have to say here I'm a girl... back then in school when I physically attacked one of the bulllies, I would sort of drag and toss him through the room. He was rather small, so that was possible. I think that the whole situation could have ended totally different if we both were boys. Because although the rest of the class was silently watching and probably gloating seeing me being publically humiliated (they would throw peaces of pencils and used tissues at my face) it would have turned the bully from the cool kid who parades the loser me as a jerk for public entertainment to a total antipath if he had physically attacked a girl... there is this thing in society that "boys don't hit girls". So when I attacked this guy he tried to get rid of me and finally retreated, but he didn't really physically fight back.
I can understand that for a guy thsi might be a different situation because it could escalate into a real fight when physically fighting back.
I think we need more people like you in society who stand up against bullies, and more important, who even care in the first place to defend victims. Because there's this implicit belief in society that victims deserve it. They're the losers and "come on, you must admit he's really laughable".

I am never actually (directly) bothered by the words. Its always the actions of that person. Just the fact that there is confrontation makes me extremely nervous.

Yeah... I understand that too. It's not about the words. A lot of times the things they are acutally trying to mock you with are hilarious anyway, and the bullies themselves know they have similar personal flaws as well. It's the implicit message that they are being sadistic and view you as an object which can be ridiculed and which is worthless. That is what makes me shake and cry.

Wow, the used tissue would be the last straw for me! Oh man, I wish every time people "threw" or "hit" or "yelled" or anything, it would just backfire in their face.
Yea, I agree with your statement and it's rare that I've been in a physical fight. I'm large and usually I just win, which sounds kind of self centered but I guess it happens. Most of my verbal fights are someone berating me over and over and me just thinking in my head "I'm cool " But that doesn't always end well for them because they see no reaction and then raise it to physical violence. Nothing that I can beat them up over but enough to make me feel intimidated and anxious, and definitely gets a very choked up response. I can kick some of these peoples arses but I just am limited by rules, and they know how to get away with some of this stuff while I'm never able to. (I'm always caught, EVERY TIME). But anyway, thank you very much for a response and I can relate to everything you've said as most of it has happened except for the tissue part. I am a slight germaphobe and I don't think I would tolerate that. I would just bring a big bucket of cow crap and dump it on their heads lol

Confrontation isn't exactly my strong-suit; I'm overly passive and I tend to avoid conflict, not that I'd tell anyone in real like that, because it would just give them more reasons to dislike me

I'm definitely not a pacifist; it's more like conflict-avoidance and not wanting to hurt the other person, but at the same time I'm passive-aggressive - so if they bothered me in some way, I may not be able to react in the moment, but I'd be simmering with resentment for a long time afterwards...

Often times, given that I hyper-analyze the other person's demeanor towards me so closely (their voice, body language, gaze, words etc.) I sometimes see contempt, slights, and rejection where non is actually apparent. With this in mind I would feel like an azzhole if I were to retort back to them, when in actuality they where being nice; so I just tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and pretend that the perceived judgement was just in my head...

Then I get home, ruminate, and wonder if they were being hateful towards me, and if I should have became defensive or not...

I also have a major issues with saying "no"; I'm like "yesman" except that's not a good thing in may case.

I've thought about wanting to take up "assertiveness training", but the qualm with that is that, I actually think I'm too shy even for that!

"and the bullies themselves know they have similar personal flaws as well."

yeah derogating someone for your own amusement proves that they have plenty of issues and insecurities themselves.

Auxiliary11 wrote:Confrontation isn't exactly my strong-suit; I'm overly passive and I tend to avoid conflict, not that I'd tell anyone in real like that, because it would just give them more reasons to dislike me

I'm definitely not a pacifist; it's more like conflict-avoidance and not wanting to hurt the other person, but at the same time I'm passive-aggressive - so if they bothered me in some way, I may not be able to react in the moment, but I'd be simmering with resentment for a long time afterwards...

Often times, given that I hyper-analyze the other person's demeanor towards me so closely (their voice, body language, gaze, words etc.) I sometimes see contempt, slights, and rejection where non is actually apparent. With this in mind I would feel like an azzhole if I were to retort back to them, when in actuality they where being nice; so I just tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and pretend that the perceived judgement was just in my head...

Then I get home, ruminate, and wonder if they were being hateful towards me, and if I should have became defensive or not...

I also have a major issues with saying "no"; I'm like "yesman" except that's not a good thing in may case.

I've thought about wanting to take up "assertiveness training", but the qualm with that is that, I actually think I'm too shy even for that!

"and the bullies themselves know they have similar personal flaws as well."

yeah derogating someone for your own amusement proves that they have plenty of issues and insecurities themselves.

Wow I can relate to everything you've said by this point. ESPECIALLY the part where I hold a simmering hatred for them and for me it's even years after. Also, sorry I quoted the whole thing I'm not sure how to not do that. But anyways I ruminate like crazy over my action and what I caused. The reason I don't confront people is because I have an extremely deep fear of messing up relationships. Like I meet a person and I'm EXTREMELY careful to "maintain a careful balance". I'm use to people just randomly turning on me, so I guess it's just kind of a SA thing. I am able to insult back but I am so afraid of doing that as I get paranoid that they're going to come at me afterwards. I'm strong but people tend to clump together and could probably easily overpower me. In the end my fears stem from physical fights and loosing those, as they would be such massive invasions of my space I just can't deal with the thought lol.