Fear of Abandonment

I think I have a fear of abandonment because of things that have happened to me in my life, and it has nothing to do with my childhood or my parents, but with guys I've met in my adult life. Guys never stay interested in me when it comes to dating, I've never had a boyfriend and I'm almost 28. Because they are always losing interest, I think I've developed a fear of abandonment. I always wonder how long until this guy leaves, will it be like the last one, etc. Sometimes if they take long to reply back because they are busy, I'll wonder will I ever hear from them again? Usually I do, but there were some guys who never spoke to me again in the middle of a conversation. So now I have this fear. Whenever I hear about someone dating someone for a long period of time, like a few months to a year, I always think to myself, how did she get him to stay interested? And how can I do that? I've also never had sex, but I'm afraid of him leaving right after and me getting really hurt. I'd rather have sex in a relationship so he won't leave and I won't get hurt. So I've been trying to get a relationship before finally having sex, but I haven't gotten a relationship so far. I really try not to have this fear, I try to think positive. Whenever I get my hopes up about "maybe this guy won't leave and he'll be my first boyfriend" I am always wrong and they always leave. So thinking positive for me doesn't work. Also, the opposite doesn't work. Like not worrying about it and not getting my hopes up. The guy still leaves anyway, no matter how I think about it or how I react to it. I always wind up hurt. I just wanna be happy. I wanna be able to date someone and have sex and know that they will stay, I don't want to always wonder if I'll be hurt and always be scared to have sex because I don't know if they'll stay. I feel like if I had had sex with these guys who left I would have been way more hurt than I was. So I guess not sleeping with them was a good thing. But I want to be able to sleep with someone and be happy and not hurt. Not abandoned. I want someone to stay. Is there any way I can get through this?

A guy I know has this same issue. His does stem from childhood though. He told me that because of his fear of abandonment, he abandons girls first so he won't have to deal with it if they ever do leave. It's like he knows it's going to come anyway, so he does it on his terms. Really, he just wants someone who will stay but he can't trust anyone to do it. He's very frustrating to date because he's very contradictory. One moment he'll come across as clingy and the next like you're an annoyance. His behaviour is very confusing and gives the impression he's just not interested.
Is it possible in any way that you're subconsciously acting similar?
Fears can make us do things we're not always aware of. It could simply be that you're going for the wrong type of guy for you.

It's definitely a good thing that you don't sleep with them to make them stay. You'd just end up feeling bad if they do leave anyway. In your situation it would be very easy to be taken advantage of. As in a guy using you for sex when he wants to and not committing in any way.

Also, how are you meeting these guys? I can't talk to strangers face to face and so joined a dating site. I clearly stated in my profile that I have social anxiety and find it very hard to date. No everyone is going to understand and that's fine. But a few people have messaged with the same problem. I find being open and honest can help enormously.

There will be someone out there who will stay. No one can guarantee that they'll never leave, people change etc but a bit of understanding goes a long way.

Yeah I agree with the guy you mentioned, I feel like it's going to happen anyway so I'd rather do it on my own terms. I may also be contradictory as well because some days I feel so desperate for guys to like me and other days I want everyone to leave me alone. I hope I'm not acting like I'm not interested when I am interested and not realizing, that's not good for me. The only thing I don't agree with is the childhood thing. There's no way this could come from there, I was never abandoned as a child. My parents were always around and still are. The only people who've ever abandoned me were guys as an adult, I think this comes from my early adult years. Guys are still abandoning me now, that's why it's still so hard for me. I think the only way it will stop is when I find a guy who will stay long term (at least a year). Then perhaps I'll feel wanted and not abandoned. The way I meet guys is through dating sites but as the years go by, as I get older, there are less and less guys messaging me on those sites. I guess I could try and put my social anxiety in my profile but then I'll have even less of a chance of getting a message so that's a bit scary to me. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless of finding anyone which is making my anxiety even worse. If I had more guys interested I think my anxiety wouldn't be so severe.