Learned helplessness?

So, I thought about writing this for quiet some time now.
I think that social anxiety is often caused by unconditional/unpredictable emotional abuse, public stigmatization or bullying (things like that).
And one thing I noticed for myself, don't know if others feel like that as well, it made me loose faith in my own social competencies.
Even if I know that the way I am behaving in a social situation is the same than how another person I know has behaved in said situation, and even if I know they didn't get into trouble, I always expect that people will be upset by my behavior, that they will think my behavior was inappropriate, or even offend me for acting inappropriately.
I also lost the belief that I am capable of assessing how one should behave in this or that social situation. I don't think that what I would imagine to be socially appropriate in a certain situation would also be percieved as appropriate by others. So it doesn't matter how long I prepare mentally for a certain conversation or something, I'm always shaking in fear, because I imagine other people's expectations towards me to be upredictable and incromprehensible (for me).
Of course I know that opinions on as to what is socially acceptable and what is not is very mutable from person to person.
And here we come to issue no. 2: I feel that a lot of the acceptance, and, especially, interpersonal respect, you get from others isn't brought to you by others because of you following the social rules, but because you act confident and as if you would expect yourself to behave correctly. And here I get in a vicious circle: I don't act confident, and therefore people don't treat me with respect, which again causes anxiety.

Can you relate? What do you think about the learned helplessness?

Dear Kivulitaronyu:

I can very much relate. It is only recently that I am more comfortable than I was in a social situation. But still. I have so many negative experiences in social situations that I avoid a whole lot and i don't regret it. There are a few things that come to my mind as a result of reading your post:

There are some basics requirements to "fit into the herd" that I accept after all: not eating with one's mouth open because it is likely to gross others. Fine. But then there are all the requirements that I hate with passion, what I thought were requirements: having to smile when I don't feel like it so the person talking, saying something funny to him/ her, will not be hurt. Having to be witty and understand what people are talking about in any area, so to not be the stupid one, having to pretend I like the people I am interacting with, having to smile so to appear well, that there is nothing wrong with me, etc. etc. I hated it.

My social anxiety lessened recently as I've been finding out how lacking other people are. I used to think I was so weird and inferior, everyone (who are all superior to me) will notice. I used to think that one day, when I heal or am healed from my troubles, I will join that "normal people" world, the people who have it together. Over time, as I am healing, I learned there is no "normal" to join.

When I was sick, I thought I was the only one but I was one of many. When healthier, I am (almost) the only one. Sincerely, no one is superior to me, no one knows better how I should behave. No one is authority over me anymore.

atina

I can relate too. I tend to observe people a lot trying to figure it out how is so natural to them to talk to each other. I'd learn a few things about people when interacting with them: They love to talk a lot about themselves and they don't care if what they're doing could make others uncomfortable. It makes me so angry sometimes when I think about it, because I feel really anxious with even the thought of making the person I'm talking to feel uncomfortable.

I feel that way too, when you said "Even if I know that the way I am behaving in a social situation is the same than how another person I know has behaved in said situation, and even if I know they didn't get into trouble, I always expect that people will be upset by my behavior". I can picture in my head certain scenario and no matter how much I overthink what can and not happen, probably their respond will be entirely different, and even when I'm in the situation and I say what I practiced. my heart panicks and I'm like in emergency mode "everybody she's doing the thing, get ready!!!!" <- that'll be my body btw.

People can get 'annoyed' even when you don't say a mere greeting to them, and I don't always rigidly, habitually do that. When the distance is too much, I never say a word, because they would never be able to hear it anyway (even when close most still ask me to repeat what I've said). The curse of quietness - I can't be loud. I tend to avoid most social situations, because I can never feel that relaxed state when I am completely alone. I found this communication inadequate/gross (and in my case, usually impossible to be heard by others) and I prefer to express myself in other ways instead.

One example: I couldn't go in to that office, because social anxiety. Simply, because the door was not open, but through the window I could see people enjoying themselves, and I found myself no reason to interfere, and also because of a past experience that reminded me I'm not really welcome there or here (anywhere out there in society, or around people), for that matter. Knocking the door is the obvious answer there, but I'd rather not encounter them in the first place - it's as if I'm taunted and set back by an invisible divider line that "this is my side and that is theirs".

Hello everyone

Thanks for your empathic, personal, and thoughtful answers. It is good to know that I am not alone and that I am not totally incomprehensible like I tend to think I am.

I've been able to make real friends for the first time when I was in highschool- and I did make the experience that others are not so superior and perfect as I thought they were. Unfortunately, this backfired at me, because the imagination that I could possibly build up a defensive shield of perfection against others burst like a bubble. I had to realise that you have to be confident despite of all your flaws- which I really just can't because I percieve myself to be more tainted when anyone else.

I'd learn a few things about people when interacting with them: They love to talk a lot about themselves and they don't care if what they're doing could make others uncomfortable. It makes me so angry sometimes when I think about it, because I feel really anxious with even the thought of making the person I'm talking to feel uncomfortable.

Yeah. I know this so much. In public, my thoughts are circling and centering around the question of whether I am doing something which is inconsiderate or annyoing to others all the time.
It leaves me stunning how others can make themselves the center of attention that easily.

One example: I couldn't go in to that office, because social anxiety. Simply, because the door was not open, but through the window I could see people enjoying themselves, and I found myself no reason to interfere, and also because of a past experience that reminded me I'm not really welcome there or here (anywhere out there in society, or around people), for that matter. Knocking the door is the obvious answer there, but I'd rather not encounter them in the first place - it's as if I'm taunted and set back by an invisible divider line that "this is my side and that is theirs".

This is a perfect example. I sometimes have dreams in which I am invisible- a perfect symbol of how I am a part of my social surrounding, but the same time I'm not. I'm not a "member of the team", I'm not really interacting with people. Instead, I'm watching from aside.

One thing that came to my mind just recently, the "learned helplessness" could be also related to having experienced gaslightening (this is when someone makes you doubt your mental sanity and/or ability to assess the way you are treated; e. g. denying that you are being treated badly).