No friends?

I wasn't exactly sure where to post this question.

But...

Do any of you feel like part of the reason why you don't have any friends (aside from the anxiety aspect) is because of the high standards you set for others?

For me, I suppose it may be because I have a hard time relating to people my own age.

I have a few people I could call friends....but I've driven them off by being avoidant...or I just let the friend ship go. It's not because I have high standards from them. It's more like I feel I cannot meet their high standards. I'm afraid to get really close with them.

Sweetngentle

For those who do meet my standards, I back off because I know I coudn't meet the social expectations.

Woolgatherer wrote:I wasn't exactly sure where to post this question.

But...

Do any of you feel like part of the reason why you don't have any friends (aside from the anxiety aspect) is because of the high standards you set for others?

For me, I suppose it may be because I have a hard time relating to people my own age.

Wow, it's like you read my mind, Woolgatherer! I have friends, but lately I've been having a tough time connecting with my friends, becoming closer with them... I feel like none of the friends that I have who are my age understand what I'm going through, with my depression and anxiety everything... And even though I have friends, I still feel alone. They're either not good enough for me, or I'm not good enough for them. I'm only in high school, and a lot of the people who I go to school with I just find too shallow and materialistic to spend time with. My friends don't understand why I'm so interested in learning about psychology and the human condition and why I'm so sensitive... But I'm so sick of just sitting around and gossiping about guys, know what I mean?
Sorry, I know I tend to ramble...
But anyway, I hope you are able to find people your age who you can relate to. I know how hard it is to feel alone and isolated from the rest of the world.

Hmmm....thats a good question. My standards are quite reasonable....yet i still havent a friend in the world, i think i've come to be at peace with that.

For me, I know that I struggle with making friends because I've got this "popularity" idealism stuck in my head. I have this uncanny ability to look at someone and define them with a social class. and once i do, they're stuck with it. now with that said, it's hard for me to keep friends because i only want to be friends with the "popular kids". but i can't do that, because i'm terrified of them. they're higher on the food chain and there for have plenty of power over me. approaching one of them is like approaching a celebrity. it's so petty and stupid, but it's one aspect of my social anxiety that i can't shake.

A good friend in my eyes is someone who is simple, helpful, sincere and compassionate. So that's really the qualities I would look at when making a friend.

Woolgatherer wrote:I wasn't exactly sure where to post this question.

But...

Do any of you feel like part of the reason why you don't have any friends (aside from the anxiety aspect) is because of the high standards you set for others?

For me, I suppose it may be because I have a hard time relating to people my own age.

Yes, I have few close friends. Once I have been let down, I dont easily forgive..

The few friends I have live outside town..they are childhood friends and I guess my tolarance for their "wrong doings" is much greater. Therefore I still can call them friends.

Because of my ridicuolous standards, I have no friends where I live today. Many acquaintances, but few I would call friend.

Have tried...but I either end up feeling let down, or on a complet different wave length. Not understanding their humour/witty remarks. Disagreeing with their opinions, and just regarding them as plain stupid. But at the end of the day I feel stupid, and friend-less...

Another matter is that I like the long conversations, and "deep" thoughts exchange. The weird thing is that women love this, and I have always ended up sleeping with them. When my only attempt was to make a friend... and after sleeping with them I pull away because I didn`t want anything but a friendship, and after sex I felt a commitment to give them more.

..might sound unlikely, but because of this I am carefull of what I talk to girls about and will probably never have any girl-friends.

The net is handy though, I can talk all I want, about anything I want without the fear or reservations about what might happen/evolve between me and another person of the opposite sex.

No, I don't think I set high standards at all. I would be friends with anyone. I just don't have any.

Hello folks,

I've noticed that the word 'expectations' gets used a lot here and that makes me think. Firstly, why do we/you have these expectations in the first place? It sounds like some sort of qualifications hurdle that strangers have to meet before they can even be considered for transformation into friends. Yes of course there has to be some sort of bonding or communication on a different level to help us categorise some folk as 'friends' but it seems to me that we have to lower our defences at times to let others in.

This is difficult for some people because loneliness can be a safe place where you don't get hurt. But neither do you make friends.

You cannot make friends without opening up. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. You are not risking long-term damage if it doesn't, only short-term disappointment.

The other thing that occurs to me is a definition of 'friend'. There are, in my 50+ years' experience, very few soul mates in life and fewer that stick with you for the whole of life's journey. That's ok, that's how life is. As we pass through the chapters of life, people come and go. Some we will connect with and some we won't. The point is not to have unrealistic expectations or they will hurt you. If you want to swim, you've got to get into the water.

Expectations sound rigid to me and I'm not even consistent with myself. I have changed on my journey; my experience has informed my outlook, my opinions, my capabilities and so on, and I have had to adapt. That's a very important concept. There's a saying in Buddhism, "The only constant thing is change". (I'm not a Buddhist, or any other particular thing, by the way, but I like that aphorism).

I have friends, colleagues, acquaintances and people on nodding terms in my life, all sorts and all categories. I have met some wonderful people and some fools, but the real deep-down soul-baring variety can be counted on the fingers of one hand. So my particular message, for what it's worth, is you don't have to shoot for the moon all the time and whilst it's ok to have standards or a sense of what's right, rigid expectations can make a barrier that will get in the way.