shoplifting

jasmin wrote:You have a good attitude and good thoughts, gato Yea, wanting to find good authority figures and fellow adults that you can trust is healthy, I think.
You're standing up for yourself when being treated unfairly, that proves that you are strong and have good boundaries.

Hi Jasmin,
I wanted to quote what masquerade wrote for me in my another thread:

How many emotional abusers put the pressure on a person to be perfect, to be an impossible ideal? They may dole out love, conditionally, the conditions being that a person must be perfect. They zoom in on the person's perceived faults or "failings", catastrophise them until the person who is being abused believes that he/she is unworthy, no good, somehow "bad". They then learn to think in very black and white terms, just like their abuser

From her writing, I am guessing that some abusers pick on me because they smell my weekness.
They might notice that I am poor at keeping a boundary between I and others. They probably notice I am scared in front of them.

Now I am standing up for myself. I'm using a very comfortable method to do so. I cannot confront abusers face to face, 'cause they try to intimidate me. They even tried to confuse me. I get very overwhelmed and am almost peeing on my underwear when they do so. Therefore, I am writing a letter/email to them or contact 'em through the third party.

That is a very good quote from masq. No one should expect you to be perfect.
I get scared of mean people too, but we do have to stand up for ourselves, it's true. If your way works, that is good.

Yes, no one should expect me to be perfect. I have every right just to be myself. And being myself should be enough to be loved...

When I was an elementary school kid, I got on train without paying. When a driver caught me and asked me why I did this, I said to him 'cause many other children do so. He said to me that just because many do, it cannot be an excuse to cheat a train ticket.

When I was a kid, I wanted to copy other kids. I was afraid to be different. That is why I cheated a train ticket... "If other people do it and if they are not caught, I should not be caught" thinking. But I do not want to engage myself in a risky activity anymore. But I still have a desire to getting past authority figures... I have a strong hatred against authority figures.

I was with bad friends when I got on train without paying.
Some of my friends did it first, and I was a follower of their behaviours.
I do not want to follow bad behaviours of others any more!

Yes you deserved and deserve love, no matter what, even though you're not perfect. No one is.

It makes sense that you did what the other kids did, maybe it was a way not to stand out and get in trouble (ironically) and a need to be accepted and to belong like you said.
You know better now, it's ok. It's understandable that you have hate for authority figures.

jasmin wrote:Yes you deserved and deserve love, no matter what, even though you're not perfect. No one is.

It makes sense that you did what the other kids did, maybe it was a way not to stand out and get in trouble (ironically) and a need to be accepted and to belong like you said.
You know better now, it's ok. It's understandable that you have hate for authority figures.

Well... it's very difficult for me to admit I deserve love.
My parents made me think I do not deserve love, and now people including you tell me the opposite.
I am just confused, and a confusion causes me frustration...
When I was a kid, I was forced to believe that I do not deserve love.
I was forced to believe that, when I am not obedient or please my parents in a way I don't like (I had to sexually please my dad, or to be still while my mom hit me) , I am not good. I had to be a perfect child for their own interests.

When I was different from other kids, they picked me on. They pointed me out and laughed at me. They made fun of me... I got confused... I was just being myself.
I had a hard time just to be myself when I was a kid... I started feeling embarrassed about myself.

In order not to have a trouble with other kids, I had to hide my traits and who I am.
And, yes, ironically, when I did the same with other kids, I got troubles with adults...
I suffered from this contradiction. I did not want troubles with other kids, but if I try not to, I got troubles with adults...

My papa and mama were authority figures at home. They were higher than me. They did not let me have a freedom.

I need to see good authority figures. I've gotten bad ones in my childhood

You had horrible authority figures in your childhood and they had no right to put you through that and they should pay for what they did to you.
You do deserve to be loved for who you are, without having to do what other people want or deny yourself.

jasmin wrote:You had horrible authority figures in your childhood and they had no right to put you through that and they should pay for what they did to you.
You do deserve to be loved for who you are, without having to do what other people want or deny yourself.

Yes, I had horrible authority figures (my papa and mama) in my childhood.
Yes, they had no right to put me through that.
Yes, they should pay for what they did to me. How do I want them to compensate me? I want them to financially compensate me. I want to sue my father. The local police station can help me to report my father. I also want to report my mother. She hit me when I was asleep. It's not fair at all.
Yes, I do deserve to be loved for who I am. Even though I do not masturbate my father's penis, I do deserve to be loved. Even though I wanted to have a lock at the door of my room, I do deserve to be loved. (My mom has never allowed me to have a lock in my room).
Yes, I do deserve to be loved without denying myself. I deny myself when I play piano. My father said I play piano badly. I deny myself when I have a dream. My mother denied my dream in front of me.

Even though other people tell a lie, white lie, I do not need to be like them.
I am different from them. I have pressure to follow them, and tell white lies to ppl.

I am suffering. Why do I feel so much pressure to tell a white lie??

I am different from others.

Even you think it's a 'white' lie, it might be a 'black' lie to others. Who knows?

Yes you deserve to be loved and it should never be conditioned on something horrible like what your father did or how your mother expected you to be "perfect".
I so hope you'll be able to get financial compensation from them, that would be the least you should get.
Maybe you're used to hiding things, because of the abuse, so you just tell white lies...