Help, in big trouble.

Ok, I value everyone's opinion here on the board and the webmaster of the site. I first want to say that a website like this is just what suffer's like most of us need a common place where we all can relate to one another and know we are not alone in the everyday inner struggle we suffer. Ok I really need some help on this alot is on the line for me, or atleast this is how I have come to feel.

I am in the military, suffering for the past year or so from major deppressive disorder which now has turned into symatoform disorder and they are now saying i have some type of personality disorder more leaning towards dissociation and anti-social. I really dont agree with alot of what they have to say being that i have been through 4 p-docs and 3 pshycologist. I just feel like my treatment has been crap. I am married, so I have a wife who is dragged down during all of this. I have been on every medication in the world, nothing works for me. It has come to the point where my p-doc has said that he is frusterdated and doesnt know what to do or give me. He is leaving it to me on what meds i take etc. I dont agree with that. These past few months i have gotten myself into alot of trouble, shoplifted over 4,000 dollars worth of stuff from my second job, didnt really know why or what the hell i was stealing for. Didnt even know most of the things wheather i paid or taken them, i lied to everyone, my wife, me. I have frequent times where I just dont remember anything I do. its hard to explain because I dont really know I am doing it unless I piss someone off, get in trouble, or almost kill myself by doing something stupid. I have tried to explain this behavior to my p-doc, he says he's never ever heard of this type of behaviour and makes me feel like i am making this stuff up. People, the thing is I am not, I am sometimes scared of myself. I dont know when I will lose control over myself, when the impulses will overtake me, the lies will replace the truths, and the worst part is, the people that are suppose to help me wont listen to me. I need their help but they wont help. I feel helpless now ever since my last visit with my p-doc and he basically told me now that he feels I am now experiencing alot of what I am going through because I want to, I chose to because its convient so I dont get in trouble or take blame for my actions. The honest thing is, and I say this to you all who dont know me and can judge me all you want is I am not making anything up, not trying to get out of trouble and never denied what I have done, but I feel somethings not right with me and I need help. They just wont listen and I need advice. I just was seen by a neruopshycologist and they did a test on my brain found that my memory is the worst it could be, worst then a retarted person, he thinks I fixed the test. The truth is I gave it my all, all I want is help and I feel now that I wont ever get it, and I have an appointment tomorrow with my pshycologist and would like to talk to her about all of this but I dont know how to talk to the docs anymore. This is where I need advice can you please help me, EVERYTHING IS ON THE LINE FOR ME. EVERYTHING. Help. Thanks
And I never got in trouble in my life, I am in my middle 20's.

I am sorry that it has gone so long with no one replying to this. I just barely joined and I hope you will visit this site again soon to find my response, cos we're here to help you. I don't believe you are making it up, if you went out of your way to explain all of that to total strangers asking for help.

So, let me get this straight. You find yourself getting intense urges to do very bad things and then sometimes you don't recall doing them? Just because none of the docs you have ever been to have heard of this disorder doesn't mean it's not real. It IS real for you and you are suffering with it, so regardless of whether or not they can classify it or label it as anything, I feel they ought to help you. Although, I do agree, medication won't help something like this.

First off, you need to make right the $4,000 in theft. Whether you have to go in debt to pay that off or not, it's necessary.

Second, there are ways I can think of to help you stay in control when you start to get these urges, though they may be fairly unorthodox. The first would be to dig your nails into a safe stop somewhere on your arm to induce moderate pain and snap you back into your senses. It sounds crazy, but this will work for a couple of reasons. The first, like I mentioned, will bring you back to full awareness of what's going on in your mind and the second reason is because it will eventually train your mind to stop getting the urges using negative reinforcement. Your unconscious will associate pain with these urges and suppress them unconsciously so you never consciously experience them -- and problem solved.