Spending AND Stealing?

I have a problem with both. When I have money, I spend it all. Then when I don't have anything left, I just take what I want... I know both are a problem, but when it happens I don't want to stop. And when I really think about it, I mostly just want to stop wasting my money since I don't make much (enough for necessities only) like despite the moral implications of stealing, I would rather be a thief than someone who spends money on the little things. I don't know what to do about it or how to handle it. I want to stop, but at the same time I don't.
Does anyone have any advice about this?

When I discovered YouTube and beauty videos a few years ago, that's when I started spending most of my savings. One girl said GET THIS, another BUY THAT. I would. I would make lists. I was spending a few hundred dollars at a time. I went from having nearly $20,000 of savings to $9,000. In a span of 3 years. Then I learned the art of stealing. I probably have stolen close to $5,000 worth of beauty products just to keep up. (More when I was working in a beauty dept. store at the time) Now it's about Small hauls mostly. Local drugstores, maybe a new foundation and powder. A lipstick. I slip them into my coat sleeves or in my gloved hands (and then take off gloves with item still in hand) wrap up and put into my purse.

I started this when I was 25- at work too. Mostly clothing and perfume. I worked at a department store. I look young, sweet innocent and am a white female. Nobody would ever suspect me. I never got caught. Then I quit that job and stopped stealing completely. For nearly 7 years.

Then I got another job at a beauty department store (7 years later) and after a few months there, the "stealing" itch came back. I saw how easy it was to steal, say a nail polish bottle or a few lipsticks. I started stealing as much as I could. In my clothes, boots, bra... you name it. I stole it, hid it on me and always got away with it. I worked there, nobody suspected internal theft from me. I was friends with everybody. I knew the camera angles. I knew where cameras weren't positioned.

It got to the point I was stealing a few hundred dollars worth of product per shift (on my body) and never got caught. NOBODY ever even suspected me. I was lucky. Then I learned the art of going to my car on my lunch break. I would deposit my "loot" and then go back on shift to steal more. I think I stole a few thousand dollars worth of merchandise over a 2 year period and they still don't know.

Since I worked there I knew what had the tags to set of the beeps at the store entrance (which was mostly fragrance, never stole that- except roller balls) everything else I stole in box. Nothing left behind as evidence. If a boxy was too bulky I left it and hid it really well under shelves and they would find them but many months later, and suspected customers. Never me.

I still steal almost anytime I am in a store. Makeup mostly. It's easy. Slip it into my sleeve. Or conceal it underneath of something else larger I am carrying and then slip into my bag. Camera can't see that way. Haven't got caught yet and have saved THOUSANDS of dollars. I can't afford to keep up with every single new beauty product. So many girls on YouTube get it sent to them for free. I'm just doing it at my own hand.

I get so jittery before stealing too. A crazy good high. Like when I really plan out a steal and then start driving to my destination. My heart is pumping. My hands shake. Then I do it. I get away with it. And all that anxiety/tension/high melts away. It's weird. I used to get like that before work too. I would steal on shift things I saw or liked. But when I planned things to steal in advance, those jitters always came right before going in to work. And, I always got what I wanted (and more!) I miss working there, I quit because I moved to another state for my husband's job transfer. He doesn't know I still steal or ever stole while at that job. That's the only shame I would have felt, if I had gotten caught, and he found out. I WOULD DIE!

I can't steal as much as I used to because I don't have the access like before. But every once in a while I hit a drugstore for about $20 worth. Even if I'm there NOT to steal, I find myself stealing at least "one little thing" it's a mental thing, like "yeah, I got away with it again." I know this is bad. But I can't (or don't?) want to stop.... :/

I also don't work now. I'm a stay at home new Mom. So the stealing has stopped for a bit now. Maybe 3 months? But yeah, I think I have a problem that won't go away... an urge, I should say.