Desire to watch wife with another man

I know I'm not the only one who gets aroused by the thought of watching my wife have sex with another man. It makes me wonder, though, why would that be a turn on? I don't think it's right but it's a turn on none the less. I'm not sure at this point that I would really want her to do it but there was a time that I would have gone for it if she wanted to (and we got close).
In the past when being "intimate" I've asked her to tell me about her past lovers. Although she was reluctant at first, after some pillow talk and foreplay she opened up little by little. She's actually more "experienced" than I am. We both shared our past with each other and I think she enjoyed seeing how it turned me on to hear about the guys she's been with. We've been married for a very long time at this point and we have pretty much no secrets (as far as I know ).
It occurs to me that it may be because I'm living vicariously through her experiences. I'm imaging what would be happening to her would be happening to me (if that makes any sense). In fact, perhaps as part of my bi-curiosity I'm actually being turned on by seeing the man having sex. I don't know but it's actually somewhat disturbing to feel this way.
I'll leave it at that for now but I just wondered if anyone might be able to share some insights on this subject as I'd really like to get a handle on what's going on in my head and maybe move on from these thoughts.

Some insight: it is a fetish /paraphilia /kink that a lot of people experience. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold#C ... s_a_fetish

Kinks are a normal part of human sexuality. It does not mean that you have to act on them to be satisfied, though. Sometimes, the thought /fantasy only is good enough for that. (And some fetish can be impossible to do or dangerous to act upon so, to fantasy world it is!) Sometimes, a "middle ground" can be found. In this situation, examples can include anything where your wife pretends she has a lover on the side or that she forgot you were here (calling you by another name, buying herself flowers then acting suspiciously about it... just talk it through with her first and see what you are both comfortable trying out.)

As long as you both enjoy it freely, the only limits are your imagination, your conjointed consent and the moral rules you decide to follow.

Thanks for your reply, Elvenstar. I found the link you provided interesting. Some food for thought there.
I must say I'm confused, though, by the terms "fetish /paraphilia". I'm not sure I see the difference between a fetish and a sexual desire that's outside the traditional norm. Is polyamory a fetish? Being attracted to men with hairy bodies (or hairless bodies)? I have a friend who finds Asian women very attractive, Would that be a fetish? But I digress....
It does seem that what I'm aroused by borders on Cuckoldry but that seems almost more of a lifestyle or regular ongoing pattern of behavior. I'm not desiring that. It's more like my desire to have sex with a man (as I've discussed in Bi-curious over 50 thread). I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do either one (for numerous reasons) but the desire is there.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions!

Wikipedia does not explain it very well in this article. Roughly (people, correct me if I make mistakes):

- fetish: something you need to feel aroused -sometimes at the cost of objectifying the subject of arousal
- paraphilia, or kink: unusual object of arousal or specific preferance in act or partner
- taste, or esthetic orientation: the kind of partner you tend to feel attracted to (sexually, romantically, platonically...), regarding their physical appearance
- sexual orientation: the kind of partner you tend to feel attracted to sexually, regarding their identity rather than their body

Prefering a partner who is hairy (or not) would be more of an esthetic preference IMO; prefering Asisan women would be a fetish if they are treated as objects (ASIAN women) rather than as subjects (asian WOMEN); polyamory is an orientation (being able to experience more than one meaningful, long-term relationship at the same time).


Sometimes, thoughts, fantasies... are just here because they are fun to think about even though we have no desire to act on them. This is the spectrum of anego-[thing]-sexuality. One can be fully heterosexual (fantasies and desire to have relationships with someone of another gender) and also anegohomosexual (having tons of fun with fantasies of relationships with someone of the same gender and zero desire to actually do it). Or any combination you can think of. Prefixes and suffixes are mix-and-match bricks. Or you can also decide not to label these specific aspects of yourself and just, accept some fantasies are here because human brains have fantasies, that's part of the package.

Interesting! Seems there's room for gray areas within those definitions. Like, what is "atypical" in sex acts these days?
I guess I should mention that my "desire" would involve more than just watching. It would be a MMF threesome with with the other guy taking charge. But, since it's not going to happen the lines are sort of blurred between a desire and a fantasy.
Anyway, Thanks again! I have to run

21cDiogenes wrote:Interesting! Seems there's room for gray areas within those definitions. Like, what is "atypical" in sex acts these days?

That is entierly up to the person to decide for themselves. Some will call "kinky" anything outside of heterosexual Missionnary position, others will have different ways of setting the line between "ordinary" and "atypical".

Like you said, there are a lot of grey areas. I sometimes have the feeling that they are more common than the black/white ones.

21cDiogenes wrote:I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do either one (for numerous reasons) but the desire is there.

I thought it might be of interest to some who are browsing this topic what some of those numerous reasons are:
Despite my "pillow talk" with my wife we have been monogamous since we got married over 40 years ago. I don't want to mess with that.
Despite my thoughts and "desires", we both have long held religious beliefs. I don't want to mess with that.
Our friends and family would be horrified and scandalized if they found out we were bringing another man into our bedroom. We're very happy with our friends and family. I don't want to mess with that.
Once went through with it there would be no putting the "toothpaste back in the tube"! Although, at the moment I might be aroused watching the "toothpaste coming out of the tube", in the long run, I don't want to mess with that!
And, to top it all off, I think it would be incredible difficult to find a good looking young guy that wants to have sex with an old married couple. Yeah, I don't want to mess with that!

All that being said, I still regularly get aroused thinking about it!!!

Like I said, it ain't gonna happen but I thought it might be cathartic to get it out and there's really not anyone I can share this with. So, thanks for listening!

I think this sounds as if it does fall more under a turn-on, than a full-blown fetish. Or perhaps I'm just deciding it's that way, since we can't discuss fetish as a main subject in PF with the closure of the Paraphilias forum. But there's so much grey area from one thing to another. You obviously don't have to watch your wife with another man, but you really like the idea of it.

As far as this being cuckoldry, I don't know this sounds like it. You hadn't mentioned wanting to be put to the side- you DO mention MMF- I always have associated cuckoldry with wanting to be humiliated. Which definitely sounds fetishistic to me.

I've had fantasies of my partner getting it in an MMF scenario and it's got nothing to do with me wanting to feel like a third wheel or be humiliated or anything, I just think it'd be hot, that's all. But then like you, maybe some of that Bisexuality is playing some sort of part in that. I don't know, I just think a woman getting it on with two men is kinda hot.

But definitely not a cuckold fetish. I'm definitely not turned on by the idea of my partner having a boyfriend on the side, not without me having something on the side as well, or we're in a threesome situation.

Good to hear from you again, Snaga.

Yes, the difference between a turn on and a fetish.... Inspired by Elvenstar's comments, I did a little reading on it. My conclusion is that it's like the difference between Grey and Gray, Being aroused by black leather shoes with stiletto heals? I'm gonna go with fetish. Oral sex? NOT a fetish. BDSM? I don't know. Is that a fetish or a turn on. Wearing women's sexy underwear? Definitely a turn on but is it a fetish?

This sex thing is so confusing. I find it incredibly frustrating and at the same time fascinating!
If I made a list of everything that turns me on it would be a very long list.
A long time ago someone commented, "That guy is so horny he'd get turned on by the crotch of a tree." I didn't really understand what he meant by that so I started noticing the crotches of trees; where branches joined the trunk or where the trunk split in two directions. I found myself getting an erection!

I definitely wouldn't want to be put to the side. My wife having a boyfriend on the side would not be an option. I would have to approve of the guy joining us. And I have no desire to be humiliated. I am submissive, though, and would love for them to tell me what to do in a playful way. Cuckoldry? Grey/Gray

My wife and I made love a couple of days ago and we talked about all of this as part of our foreplay. She wasn't really in the mood at first but as we talked about some of her former lovers I could tell she was getting aroused. As we talked, it got more graphic and I admitted I wanted to hear more about the guys and their genitals; size, what it felt like, did she have an orgasm, etc. It was a quite a fun conversation and it made us feel closer to each other than we had in quite awhile. As I basked in the afterglow I thought to myself, "I'm really glad we had this talk!"

As you probably read in my previous post on this thread, an MMF threesome is NOT going to happen for all the reasons listed but, the idea of it certainly continues to linger in my mind. Fetish? I don't know. A major turn on? Absolutely!

And it's likewise gratifying to see you around, Diogenes.

I can't help but being reminded of The Diogenes Club...

21cDiogenes wrote:BDSM? I don't know.

BDSM for the purposes of PF, is definitely a paraphilia, since there is a read-only BDSM subforum in the now-locked Paraphilias forum. Personally I think of it as more of a paraphiliac lifestyle that encompasses a variety of fetish that adherents pick up or drop at their pleasure.

Ultimately the mod team has some discretion over how not-Vanilla a sexual subject can be as the main topic of a post, but not unlimited discretion.

I don't know I consider this desire to be exactly fetish because it's not quite the textbook definition of cuckoldry, and it's not a deal-breaker for you, but it is a borderline subject for PF under the current rules.

21cDiogenes wrote:If I made a list of everything that turns me on it would be a very long list.

I hear you. I'm the same way- at least in theory. In practice, as you've noted, things are a bit more restrained. Those things used to be explored in detail in the Fetish subforum under Paraphilias- if you haven't perused it, you might want to.