Wanting help with my sexuality

Well In the past couple of days it's been nice, disappointing but nice. still don't look forward to masterbation but it's easier to do it.

Kaleb28 wrote:still don't look forward to masterbation but it's easier to do it.

Didn't know there was a requirement to masturbate....

Do- or don't do- what you feel. Don't force yourself to masturbate if you really don't want to. You've nothing to prove by doing so. When you get horny, do whatever, fantasize about whatever, or look at whatever floats your boat. But don't do it out of some need to prove you're this or that. Just do it if you're in the mood to do it.

It's not like I dislike masterbation I just dislike what gets me off these days which is why I dislike it

I'm a bit more comfortable with the idea that my sexuality has changed albeit there's this part of me that hopes I'll go back to normal, the problem I'm having is I can't find anything about a person who was definitely one sexuality and how they went to another and the people that have are bisexual but when they speak about there past they always mention how there was something missing or just something that seemed off. I think I'm probably miss interpreting my past I remember a couple of times when I was 15 and 16 and I found two men attractive (one of them I found attractive during my ocd episode but I didn't obsess over it and it was one case) the problem being is that when I would get over it I didn't find other men attractive. So to me it was blentently obvious prior to 5 months ago that women where really the only thing that attracted me (I said before that it happened far before this) but now men are obviously attractive and that I've almost lost an interest in women. So am I just misinterpreting something because I'm not sure. I went onto the paraphilia forum and found one story similar to mine but that was just one story and obviously everything over there is archived. It's really hard to find somebody similar and honestly part of me doesn't want to find that because there's still this small part of me that hopes it's ocd.

Kaleb28 wrote:It's not like I dislike masterbation I just dislike what gets me off these days which is why I dislike it

I understood that completely- and you still have the choice to refrain from getting off, if you find it that distressing. Nobody's making you do it, but yourself. So you have the choice not to get off, or decide to not be distressed over what gets you there..

Kaleb28 wrote: the problem I'm having is I can't find anything about a person who was definitely one sexuality and how they went to another

I don't think that happens, generally speaking. Not for adults. From things I've read, maybe for ciswomen, but they have to have a darn good reason and the desire to go from Straight-Lesbian or vice versa. Sufficient motivation.

The same sexologist (his name escapes me) who determined that with female test subjects, tried to actively convert willing cismale subjects from gay to straight, with no success, using every psychological trick he knew of, up to and including shock therapy, if I'm not mistaken.

No matter how much they wanted to be straight (they were willing test subjects), it wasn't happening. If they happened to be bisexual, say they were 60/40 (60% straight, 40% gay) well, he not only couldn't change them to 100/0, but not even 70/30 or 65/35. it just wasn't gonna happen. His youngest test subjects were 15.

So it appears that by no later than 15, what a boy is, is what he is. Might hide it well, might not even quite realise it until something wakes it up, might be in self-denial- been there, done that call me Cleopatra. But still, it appears that by fifteen, a guy is what he is. So gay/bi cismales can definitely not be made 'straight'. You can modify your behavior, but you can't purge those urges. I certainly haven't been able to. I've tried to pray it away, ignore it, deny it is really there, etc. Yeah, still think about other penises besides mine.

It stands to reason that would also hold true in reverse. That if you're straight, you're not going to spontaneously turn gay. It's been shown in studies that men who practice homosexual acts in all-male environments do not continue those practices, when put back into regular society where females are readily available. Unless of course, they were already gay or bi to begin with.

So no, I do not expect you to find many examples of a true sexual orientation swap in fellow males- furthermore I would be very skeptical of any such claim and suspect at the least, they're fooling themselves, and at the most, they're flat-out lying, because if there's one thing I suspect about modern political LGBT, is they want to convince other people they're also LGBT- perhaps not consciously, but how many times have I read in here that someone with HOCD asked on a LGBT site (bad idea!) and of course the answers all came back 'why sure you're gay!' At the least, those people trying to pull you over to the Gay side are only seeing things through the lens of their own self-denial, I suspect. Or the idea that if you think anything the least bit gay, why Gooble Gobble! One of us! With no understanding on just how badly OCD can jack up a person.

I do not expect you to find many such accounts, and I seriously question the veracity of any that might exist.

Kaleb28 wrote: the people that have are bisexual but when they speak about there past they always mention how there was something missing or just something that seemed off.

If I could travel back in time, and see the little sissy that I was, I'd be thinking 'damn, that kid gonna be queer as a three-dollar bill'. I'd be wrong- I'm Bi. But still, I'd be right in guessing that kid wasn't exactly going to turn out straight, either. So yes, I'll vouch for that assertion. Hindsight is 20-20. I know when there was a most-excellent Bi men's forum, fellas would tell their stories and even for the men who didn't start really feeling the craving until their forties or fifties (rather common), they could remember back as adolescents, really being interested in messing around with other boys. So yeah no, it didn't happen in a vacuum.

Kaleb28 wrote: prior to 5 months ago that women where really the only thing that attracted me

If you're Bi, I have to ask you- are you really sure about that?

If you are, then I can't see how you just changed, and I think you need to try and chill about this and just tell OCD what the real deal is and learn not to be angst-ridden over the idea.

If you aren't- and you're really Bi or Gay, then I think the sooner you chill about this and just 'okay where do I go from here' and stop bemoaning something that wasn't really there in the first place (exclusive attraction to women). Because I can tell you, all the hand-wringing in the world ain't gonna change it. God can- but I has a feeling God needs a lot of help to do it, since we're free agents, and I don't know of a lot of people that really want to let go of something so deep seated as sexual orientation. And that only applies if someone accepts supernatural influence in the first place and personally I just don't think you can ditch the Gay- it'd be nice, make a lot of lives a lot easier, but I ain't seen too much of it. So either a person that has same-sex attraction but doesn't want it, learns to not act on it, and either be sexually inactive or learn to like the other enough to get by in life, or they learn to live with what they are and if that means getting intimate with members of the same sex, well it does.

Either way, you really, really, for yourself, need to step back and chill and be like 'you know what it's not the end of the world no matter what I am'. If it's a religious objection to homosexuality, then that's between you and God as to what kind of compromise you work out. If you're not religious, then honestly I don't understand in this day and age, a frantic resistance to being LG or B. Not in the Western countries and the Anglosphere, anyway. I guess I can understand- I mean, there's always this little nag at the back of my mind 'you like penises you can never be a real man'. But.. it'll just wear you out to maintain this level of angst over it. Either way- if you are, or aren't Bi/Gay- maintaining this level of angst will only wear you out and make you feel more and more confused about it.

Snaga wrote:If you're Bi, I have to ask you- are you really sure about that?

Ok it did exist further back than five months ago (more like11-12 now I think) but once I got over my ocd it just really wasn't there or at least it wasn't prominent and when I did see a guy that I sorta-kinda found attractive it just didn't bother me. I really don't know what happened five months ago, I mean I obsess and I still check but the attraction is there so it could be sexual ocd and bi-sexuality all at once. I have questioned whether I'm deluding myself into thinking my past was different than it really was.

I guess ultimately my real struggle is letting go of the past I get depressed doing things that I once enjoyed and even if I can have a semblance of what I once had it would be in an altered form. I mean what used to terrify me out of my wits was finding men attractive and enjoying thoughts about men, now I do which it isn't as bad as my ocd riddled mind once had me believe but it's still depressing and anxiety provoking for it to have happened.

I mean it's so hard for me not to check there's men and women everywhere and when I stop worrying I still dislike it because it feels like something's missing I literally get myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. And like I said there was about two instances when I was either 15 and 16 where I found a guy attractive but that was twice and I didnt obsess of it

Well, at 15/16 I was horny for sex with either biological gender, even if I didn't admit it to myself I sure thought about it a lot.

A one-or-two off finding the same sex attractive doesn't make you Bi or Gay, even if you didn't obsess over it. Normies don't obsess, they just be like, nope I don't think so and move on.

No matter what you are, you're gong to have to chill about this, because if you don't, you'll be going back and forth about this for a long time. been there, done that. I've never had 'HOCD' but yes I have OCD and yes I used to greatly obsess over being gay or straight, and I didn't calm down about it until I said well let's see what are my thoughts and desires? Hmmm I like girls this way, and I like men that way. Well I guess I'm Bi. And things calmed down a lot. Decide what you are, based on the proofs- your thoughts, desires, fantasies, who you 'check out', etc- remembering you don't have to like men and women in the same fashion to be 'bisexual'- and then be like 'that's my story I'm sticking to it'. You'd be surprised at how much of a load is removed, once you do that. Just set the fear aside and look at it as if it were another person whose brain you can see inside. 'Okay I really want to do this to a guy' or 'naw don't think I want to do that'. This isn't rocket science, but you have to step aside from fear and anxiety and angst to do it. But it's doable. I've done it. I don't always like the result, but I know what's what, at least.

So I've been thinking about it and the only definitive thing is is that I find men attractive I don't know if I could have sex with a guy, I think if a guy where to put his head on my shoulder I might like it though I'm not sure, I don't know if I could kiss a guy either when I look at nude photos of men I don't know if I could suck on there cocks they don't look good but. Likewise however I also more recently have almost lost an interest in women, I'm still more comfortable with the idea of having a woman but still. everything practically is just really an I don't know I haven't experienced anything with a guy and I'm honestly afraid because it could confirm some of these things, I just don't know.

OCD seems to want an either or thing which sucks I mean I just want one thing which is to be straight problem being that I find men to be hot my biggest fear is that I'll get over this anxiety maintaining the feelings that I have right now like finding men attractive or getting "emotionally aroused" by men and that I'm going to have to live with it forever, a life liking men in any capacity just isn't a life worth living. If there's a god I really really hate him for bestowing this upon me.

I don't know I can't forego my anxiety and look at it objectively I also fear it for the above reason. Though honestly if I where an outside observer and I heard a male say they find men attractive I'd definitely think he's not straight which sucks there's to some extent the sliver of hope that this is OCD and that if I get over it. the feelings I'm experiencing will disappear. I think though that these feelings would still have an affect on me thereafter however

If you're not sure about sexual acts with a man- and you don't find penises fascinating... then what makes men 'hot' for you? Is it more of a romantic attraction? The older I get, the more I think I could 'be in love' with a man, but for most of my life, it was more physical, and infatuation was almost the sole domain of girls, for me. I'm still not given over to seeing a real, live man with clothes on, and thinking 'oh he's dreamy!' for the most part, though there are exceptions. Women though, I eyeball constantly. Yet if I'm going to look (and lust) at naked people on a screen, it's men (or sometimes trans women in porn- 'shemales') that I want to see, having strangely little interest in ciswomen as merely a sex object. With certain notable exceptions- I don't generally objectify women, but the few I do, I objectify the hell out of....

My attraction to females is more of a 'package' deal, whereas males are more of a compartmentalised taste. Likewise what type of women catch my eye, are broad and varied- men I look more for certain traits, and am rather pickier about appearance. Trans women that present well as female are... traditionally not a porn genre I have looked much at, but they represent the best of both worlds, in a way, and the older I get, the more I appreciate that. Bisexuality is a real mish-mash of feelings, some of which appear mutually exclusive, almost. Take women celebrities- some women celebrities I'm attracted to as a man. Some, I'm attracted to as gay men will glom onto a woman celebrity on account of her fabulousness. Some.. and here it gets twisted... I like as if I were a lesbian. Does it make sense? Heck I don't know- but it is, what it is. When you're not clearly straight or gay (and in my case, both masculine and rather feminine in personality), it's all just a hodge-podge, and you can either fight to make sense of it, or just say 'screw it, whatever I'm ###$ up and that's just how it is'. Because that's just how it is.