Wanting help with my sexuality

JackM678 wrote:Ever since I was a little boy, I never had any interest in girls whatsoever( i had intreast in girls from a very young age, it initially started off with older highschool girls but as girls my age developed i started finding them attractive). I always felt I would rather play with a boy than a girl, even when other boys my age were starting to get into girls when I started middle school. I didn't just wanna hang out with boys more, in chat rooms when guys wanted to look for girls to talk to, I wanted to look for boys to talk to. Ever since I was little I never saw myself as one of the manly guys. I was always more sensitive and into art (If this describes you, don't worry, I am just making a correlation, this isn't why I'm gay.).

By the time I hit 6th grade, when other 12 year old boys were going after the girls, I kind of liked some girls too, but I never once thought about if they were hot or not. I just liked their personality and wanted a close friendship. However, even though I didn't have a developed libido yet, if I had to choose, I probably would have wanted to be with a boy.

I grew up in a conservative religion and thought that gay people chose to be gay by experimenting going out with other guys. When I started to perform in theatre and shared this hypothesis with people I was in for a rude awakening. Sometimes the principle of "ye doth protest too much" has its merits. When I was 13 at Boy Scout Camp, I thought a boy a year younger than me was really cute and I wanted to make friends with him and he shared a tent with me. When I was 16, I thought a boy in a show I saw a few years younger than me (as I said, I was into younger guys) was very attractive in his tight jeans. I shrugged this thought off and just ignored it. However, I would continuously wonder why I never had these emotional and sexual feelings about girls, only boys. Then when I was 18 I started notice I really did prefer the looks of guys over girls, and it scared me. When I was about 20, I was at a fitness center, and next to me there was a boy about 14, he had a developing voice, developing body, and he was very handsome, he took his pants off right in front of me. Looking at his butt just gave me such a huge erection, and not a groinal response.( I think that do to my anxiety i have a hard time getting erections but i do like mens bodies as much as i hate to say it with that being said whenever i look at men, naked men i get an urge to masturbate, i think i think of women when i masturbate but i might focus on the penis when doing so)However, as I said, I was always attracted to younger people, and 14 is past the age of puberty, so it doesn't indicate pedophilia, but at the time I was worried that I was attracted not only to a guy, a much younger guy. To set the record though, I was in the closet and I knew having sex with someone under 18 would have been illegal, so I never actually acted on any desires I had for teenagers.

A few years later I had given up many of my conservative religious views. I went back to college and found there was a guy in front of me in one of my classes who was a very good looking blonde guy about 19 and I was 24, he was wearing loose pants, they fell down and I saw his butt crack and got a huge erection. I wanted to stroke my hand through his hair as well and give him a kiss. (I don't know if I want to physically touch a guy but when I've thought of kissing one it kind of feels good) (There was also someone I knew online I imagined getting on top of who was about 18 when I was 24. (when I think of having sex with a man it can feel good)After I had these recurring thoughts and realized I enjoyed them and I should stop rationalizing saying maybe I'm not really gay when I clearly was, I decided to come out of the closet. I opened up to some friends and family members. It was about a couple years after this, which was recently when I solved my thoughts and fears that I was a pedophile and realized I am into men, not children.