Wanting help with my sexuality

Snaga wrote:it's all just a hodge-podge, and you can either fight to make sense of it, or just say 'screw it, whatever I'm ###$ up and that's just how it is'. Because that's just how it is.

It might just be how it is but it's so recent that I just don't like it, if it all happened at a really young age I would of been fine with it maybe but it's so recent that everything I used to feel has just been inverted if that makes sense

Snaga wrote: you're not sure about sexual acts with a man- and you don't find penises fascinating... then what makes men 'hot' for you? Is it more of a romantic attraction? The older I get, the more

There just physically attractive, I used to find women physically attractive (and I still find naked women attractive) but it's been inverted and that physical attraction to women has disappeared and turned into a physical attraction for men. As for penises I get a tingling feeling when I look at them I also get a tingling feeling when looking at women though as well. When I go out in public I tend to star at objectively attractive women but it feel more like an admiration and with men I get this feeling of damn he's hot. I feel like I could have sex with a woman without all the emotion around it which a few months back is something I wouldn't of imagined in a million years. I remember being in middle school in physical education and just staring at the teachers assistant because she was so hot I would masterbate to her all the time, all that has disappeared at it's depressing it's such an inversion in what I once wanted it sucks.

And even when I try to settle with being bi-sexual I just can't or what I'm saying is I can't just be ok with liking both it's really hard I can't feel any Internal peace, like having the choice in any capacity is just hard to live with, it's stressful in other words

I'm starting to think that I've been bisexual all along but I was just clueless for three years, that each "OCD" episode was just me suppressing it. I just I can't think of any other reason for me to be like this, I just.. I don't get it it's so hard for me to be at the very least content, I mean maybe I'm trying to convince myself I'm bi, I just don't get how somebody can live liking both and be happy. I want my old life back, don't know whether it was a delusion or not or if what I want is irreversible. I think a relationship would be to much for me. Hell I hate being around men these days this has really ruined my life. I wish I could find an answer to all of this I just can't. The past 5 months has literally become what my "OCD" feared, I literally just want to either be asexual or just get over all this bullcrap and be bisexual. But alas I might not want this and it sure as hell sucks that it appeared to me so late in my teens but I'll just have live with it I guess, I mean I guess it makes sense I've always cared more about the emotional side of a relationship and I've always been a bit of a coward and a sissy so yeah. I don't know I'm equally afraid to prove that this is my "gayness" but also yearning for an answer. I think that If I knew about this when I was 10-11 I think that would of made it a hell of a lot easier

I didn't know about knowing about myself that young. around 12/13 for me- but I still just don't know about you. When I realised that it could be more than adolescent experimentation between same-sex peers (common and uneventful)- and with an adult man (remember, I had been being sexually molested).... when the realisation hit me that I could be having real sex, with a man... it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was full on horny. Sure, there's denial and waffling later on, but there was no.. there was panic simply because I knew it was 'bad'. And that boys weren't supposed to want that. But not terror. Not... not these emotions you seem to go through. Angst, isn't terror. I never even questioned if I was 'gay', in the moment it happened. I didn't consider myself gay but I still wanted to mess around with another male very, very badly. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it bad. And for the most part, with temporary lapses, I hadn't stopped wanting it, sometimes very badly.

You either crave it, or you don't.

Snaga wrote:I didn't know about knowing about myself that young. around 12/13 for me- but I still just don't know about you

I generally equate my discovery of the sexual side of me with my discovery of porn which was when I was 10 when I was in fourth and fifth grade I only really found highschool girls attractive, but I wasn't around them that much so I wasn't exposed to it but by late 5th grade and middle school I started seeing more uh (I don't know what term to use) hormonal women

I think I understand, I thought before without obsessing about wearing women's clothes though I don't have a desire to so I don't worry about being trans or a crossdresser. I've thought about what it would be like to be a woman (because I'm a hormonal teenager) but again don't have a desire so I don't obsess over it.

And also I just don't know, some hours of the day I feel more "gay" and some hours I feel more "straight" I find women more attractive and other times I find men more attractive I used to exclusively masterbate to women but I've also masterbaited to men more recently, I don't like doing it but I do so I'm just so confused and worry that I won't be able to go back to normal I've also found women more disgusting recently, though at the same times I've done some very very hetero things in my early adolescence so it's confusing and worrying

Is it that you don't like the idea of masturbating to men? Or that you don't enjoy it, or feel a need to? And not to 'check'- but the sexual need to masturbate to men. I've not liked wanting sex with other males plenty of times- but that didn't mean I didn't feel the sexual desire to, if that makes sense. You can not want to want something all day long- but you want what you want, if you get my meaning. Surface feelings about something, and deep-seated cravings, are two different things. I don't wish my particular brand of bisexuality on anyone- yet at the same time, I can't imagine being any other way, to the point of resisting the notion of taking some quick cure or magic pill for it, if such a thing existed- and I'm glad there isn't. I prefer to be me, and miserable. Because.. I'm what I am. I would imagine that's some kind of proof, that sexual orientation strikes pretty near to the Id.

Kaleb28 wrote: I thought before without obsessing about wearing women's clothes though I don't have a desire to so I don't worry about being trans or a crossdresser.

Good lord when I hit adolescence one of the first things I began doing was to hit was my momma's dresser drawers the moment she left for work. I got very skilled at putting things back exactly the way I'd found them. Back in the day I had quite the crossdressing fetish. Now I'd just feel ridiculous- I'd make an ugly old woman- but when I was teen/young adult, I couldn't stop myself.

Kaleb28 wrote:And also I just don't know, some hours of the day I feel more "gay" and some hours I feel more "straight" I find women more attractive and other times I find men more attractive

Well, if this isn't OCD or something messing with you, yeah sure. I believe that male sexuality is fixed; yet there are days I feel pretty darn straight, and days I'm nothing but a gay boy. And I don't think that's actually a fluidity as in actually being more straight or more gay- it's just one part being expressed more one day, and another part being expressed more another day. Today I have this itch to scratch, tomorrow it's the other itch.

Snaga wrote:Is it that you don't like the idea of masturbating to men? Or that you don't enjoy it, or feel a need to?

That... Is a hard question to answer, I guess some times it's easier to masterbate to men. My mind fights itself I guess, I don't know im much happier when I masterbate to women.

Snaga wrote:I prefer to be me, and miserable. Because.. I'm what I am

I get that, there's certain aspects about my personality that I would like to change (maybe I can maybe I cant) but at the same time when I really think about it I don't want to not be me

Do women make you feel apprehensive? Perhaps it's easier to masturbate to men because it feels 'safer'? Or maybe... just throwing out ideas, here- or maybe you feel less masculine? I'm relatively confident with women, when I make myself be- I know I can charm them; I've done it. But in my early teen years I was bullied by girls (verbally, obviously- I'm not such a sissy I was ever beat up by a girl!) and that I'm sure had a lasting effect on me. The idea that I'm not likable to women- even though life has demonstrated that isn't true, it's still a gut reaction that women don't find me desirable. I sometimes wonder if that hasn't help shape my porn preferences- I much prefer same-sex porn, over straight. Even though I am much more likely to 'check out' women when out and about. I would have been Bisexual with or without the bullying- but still, that can't have helped my self image concerning women. So maybe since I do have sexual inclinations in both directions, it's just the path of least resistance to prefer homosexual pornography.

I've definitely had my confidence issues with women, see I have a lazy eye and I don't want to get into it but I've read that women like men with good hand eye coordination so my issue has been, am I naturally selected will I not be able to have a woman, I barely survived child birth so maybe this is nature's way of saying l, ###$ off.

I have felt less masculine before I don't like confrontation I like the emotional relationship side probably just as much as the sex (not right now obviously but in the past that was true) which is why I prefer erotica to porn (by the way I haven't had sex I that was the impression you where getting) I don't know if I could 'man up' and stand my ground in a relationship because I don't do it know, I generally will be miserable in order to avoid confrontation. All these combined I would generally call 'core womanly traits' which wouldn't make me attractive to women so I've tried be better because we'll in the past I've really wanted a woman.

And no I don't like Masterbaiting generally because I get images of men I want to masterbate to women I've been doing that since 2013 and I want to keep doing that so when I enjoy Masterbaiting to men it sucks because I know what to do I can't have the same fantasies I used to have without the BS that's going on now