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Wanting help with my sexuality

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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Mon Oct 11, 2021 4:24 am

And I think a big part of why I feel like this is because it's focusing on sexuality and sexuality being a big part of our existence of course is going to have a bigger impact on my life. now if it where something that wasn't such a core part of me than I don't think I would care as much.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Wed Oct 13, 2021 6:07 am

So now my OCD seems to be going more towards an OCD with a focus on gender identity, the sexual OCD is still there though it seems to be a mix between the two.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 14, 2021 12:44 am

Kaleb28 wrote:So now my OCD seems to be going more towards an OCD with a focus on gender identity, the sexual OCD is still there though it seems to be a mix between the two.


Certainly wouldn't be the first person in the forums to bounce between HOCD/TOCD
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Thu Nov 04, 2021 6:25 am

I've been getting really annoyed, my mother scheduled an appointment with my doctor a few weeks ago and both her and I forgot about it so we rescheduled and we forgot about it again now we've finally made another appointment which I've wrote a reminder for finally, anyway: been feeling depressed lately I never realized how much I liked women like all my actions and fantasies (whether sexual or not) always had something to do with women. I keep going between feeling more gay or more straight all I want is stability I don't want to keep fluctuating I just want one thing why can't I just be ok with one or the other.

Another funny thing I always tell my self I want to be more gay just to get over the anxiety but when that thing that I keep saying I want becomes reality I'm always saying "wait no I don't want this go back go back!"
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 12:16 pm

I'm just confused my next doctor's appointment is two months away but I'm impatient and I'm just confused. Everybody in the ocd forum seems to deal imense doubt like they don't know how they feel unlike them I can say exactly why I'm stressing out and it's not because of some voice in my head saying I find men attractive or saying you want to do this, no I have a legitimate attraction to men and I've definitely thought about sucking a guys... You know what, I don't even want to kiss a girl, when I'm around girls it would just seem weird, unlike people with ocd where they keep getting intrusive thoughts, I keep getting legitimate actual feelings of attraction and a few times I've even masterbaited to men and enjoyed it. Now I could look at my past and say yeah I definitely didn't feel this way before the thoughts but if I where to live in the present moment well yeah these feelings are real.

The main problem I have isn't with the idea of having sex with a guy I don't think I want that. The problem lies with the prospect that these feelings that I've just laid out are going to be with me forever and the problem is that I can't figure out whether or not it's apart of ocd or not, like I said there real but at the same time the initial attraction I had was what sparked this current episode that started all those months ago.

The other thing is that along with this attraction I also (and I hate to say this) started finding children attractive and the idea of wearing women's clothes (, though there far far less frequent then the homo feelings) would send good feelings through me, prior to my thoughts and feelings these things didn't exist though I don't really obsess over it like I do homosexuality and I will never in a million years do either thing
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:10 am

Why do I have to be like this I just want my old self back how hard is that to ask for. Why did God or whoever made me have to do this to me I don't know, I don't have it within myself to say that these attractions and aren't real I really really really want to but I just can't I was literally getting a sandwich today and the guy was attractive I why couldn't I if had these feelings when I was 10 or 11 why I literally have to give up on my old self what did I do wrong what did I do to deserve this I have my entire life to live I just want to block my mind of these attractions of the good feelings I kind of get when thinking of men I want to just like women I was so happy before and I still feel kind of happy during my more hetero moments, but it's temporary it always fluctuates, I just want stability. I can't wait two months to go to the psychiatrist that's to long.

Even being gay is better than the BS I'm going through why did my fears have to turn into actual feelings why why couldn't they have remained stupid thoughts, I was reading an ocd post today and the guy said he didn't want to find his brothers attractive but that kind of felt exciting to me. Why me whyyyyyyy
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Fri Nov 19, 2021 8:59 am

This is worse than anything I could of ever imagined I just want one or the other I don't want to have to choose I hate it I ######6 hate it I want both it seems and I want neither I do I get to choose I don't want to choose it's terrible I hate that I can consider I wish I was asexual. At least with ocd there was something deep within me that sort of knew I wasnt not straight I think. I just want to get ride of my hormones sexuality is the worst disease I will ever in a million years deal with my life is literally ruined I'll never like women in the way I used to.


I do t want to find men attractive it's just so sad and depressing, I've literally cried about what I've lost. I wouldn't of ever imagined liking men in the past and now I'm like this forever at the very least going to like mens bodies
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Thu Nov 25, 2021 5:23 pm

For the first time in my life I read gay erotica not out of fear but because I wanted to I literally had a sexual urge to read it I don't know how I feel
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Sat Nov 27, 2021 1:35 am

Was it enjoyable? Did it titillate? Did you wish you were one of the people in the story?
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Sat Nov 27, 2021 1:40 am

Snaga wrote:Was it enjoyable? Did it titillate? Did you wish you were one of the people in the story?


It was enjoyable and when I think about it on retrospect it still turns me on

Also sorry for writing all those other posts I forgot that I shouldn't rant in the threads
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