Wanting help with my sexuality

I feel depressed right now like everything I used to want (being women) I kind of don't now I don't know what happened it's emmensly depressing, likewise when I read erotica I get this strong urge to suck a guys cock but when I'm not and I feel normal I just don't have it as much, like I'm not sure I could actually go through with it, only in fantasy I can it seems, I don't know my sexuality has done a 180 and now I feel like there's no hope because now that I know I can get off to men without being scared of it I feel like I won't ever have a semblance of the straight part of me. I don't care if I'm bisexual at all now I just want the same desires to the same extent like I used to have.

I went onto a gay forum and they had the same experience I'm going through I found two guys one was straight and the other was gay, the straight guy said he didn't have a doubt in his mind he was straight until he was 19 when it did a 180 as he said and the gay guy said it happened to him in reverse, I don't know I don't want to go back on there now but I'm just afraid to potentially admit that I'm just like this. This is a nightmare I just want it to end

Well, the newly gay boy might say he had no doubts he was straight all the way up to 19, but I take that with a grain of salt. I'd also be interested in knowing what his friends and family might have thought about him, leading up to that. I mean, I can look back on my own life and if I could observe myself... ha- I'm surprised I'm not more gay than I am, to be honest. Guess I just like girls too much to be. But I'm the gayest straight guy I know- and also the straightest gay guy I know. Fun times.

I feel depressed right now I will probably pass with time and I understand that I need help but still. I like men it's a sad thing but I do I think the core of my depression comes from just letting go of my old fantasies and desires. As hard as that's going to be and as scary as it's going to be (you know, fear of the unknown) it's most likely in my best interest.

I know I post a lot but right now currently this is more of a greiving post

Snaga wrote:Well, the newly gay boy might say he had no doubts he was straight all the way up to 19, but I take that with a grain of salt. I'd also be interested in knowing what his friends and family might have thought about him, leading up to that. I mean, I can look back on my own life and if I could observe myself... ha- I'm surprised I'm not more gay than I am, to be honest. Guess I just like girls too much to be. But I'm the gayest straight guy I know- and also the straightest gay guy I know. Fun times

So I was searching through older post on this forum and I found one where you mentioned the name of this Australian sexologist you've mentioned before "Nathaniel McConaghy" and that you've read a WordPress article from another guy about his findings, problem being is that the WordPress article doesn't exist anymore with that being said McConaghy did publish a book called "Sexual Behavior: Problems and Management" would I be correct in assuming that this is the book this WordPress author was referencing.

Kaleb28 wrote:So I was searching through older post on this forum and I found one where you mentioned the name of this Australian sexologist you've mentioned before "Nathaniel McConaghy" and that you've read a WordPress article from another guy about his findings, problem being is that the WordPress article doesn't exist anymore with that being said McConaghy did publish a book called "Sexual Behavior: Problems and Management" would I be correct in assuming that this is the book this WordPress author was referencing.

That could be it! And yes I can't find that wordpress any longer, and it's very frustrating. I believe I'd found a used copy of that book on Amazon (it's not cheap!) and had considered getting it, but never did. I need to at least find some more references online so that I don't sound as if I'm merely talking out of my ass when telling people my beliefs concerning sexual orientation.

The wordpress that condensed the subject, was very convincing for me- it coincided with my own life, and my observations of others. It also satisfies me as to the 'born like that' argument. I don't accept that I was 'born this way', although I will agree to a predisposition imparted while in the womb and I think that is entirely likely, even probable. I think we're affected for the potential of homosexuality in utero, then it's finalised in our early years somewhere between birth and adolescence. McConaghy believed it was from birth- yet the only thing his research proved empirically, was that somewhere between birth and the age of his youngest subjects- 15- male sexuality is fixed. He thought it was birth; I think it's somewhere in between, and a combination of predisposition and environment. I think I would have same-sex attractions if my life had not included my pederast, but I can't say for sure that it would have. I really do think, however, if I could go back in time and I saw my five or six year old self, I'd be thinking he's going to grow up gay. Which I didn't, but I am half gay, anyway. It's mildly infuriating to my OCD nature that I can't pin things down any closer than I can, but it is what it is.

I don't get it, I know I keep bombarding this thread with the same BS but still I don't get, I've noticed that every action I take practically is to see if I can get ride of these thoughts feelings and to an extent desire, like the idea of kissing a guy seems good at least in my head. I know I don't have false attraction because I actually find men Physically attractive it's not just the feelings associated with attraction, the idea of sucking cock while I'm masterbating seems very appealing and when I'm not it still exist it's just not as strong, now admitingly I've never been an extremely open minded person. If I went back 8 months ago well I was sitting there watching back to the future part 1 purely for Lea Thompson, if I went back a year ago the idea of eating a vagina appealed to me. Ocosionally I might see some really attractive women and I'll feal so happy but it's very selective the idea of having intercourse with a woman seems somewhat weird. I was literally crying last night about this. A few days ago I managed to get myself off to some gay erotica (it was very odd fetish of mine it wasn't just plane ol' sex) and I felt great, but when I sat down for a little while it just depressed me the whole idea just sucks I don't want to live with the for the rest of me life. Even when somebody tells me I'm hetero sexual or ask me what girls I like Im telling a lie (because I am), I never wanted this, just why now. this can't be ocd it just can't ocd is limited to thoughts and even if it is and I'm bi that's just going to be depressing would I seriously have to live my life entire life like this it doesn't seem worth it I don't want to deal with it anymore, also since last year I've been getting anal sensations I can't stop thinking about a guy doing stuff I don't want to want it I just want to get ride of my testorone or whatever drives sex but I also don't believe I could do that because maybe just maybe this will end.

Again sorry for bombarding the forum I just can't sit there and deal with it last time I did that I felt more gay than straight

Well I got curious, and I started looking for literature on false attractions... and mostly just found forums, including PF, obviously.

I did find this interesting interview with an ex-HOCD sufferer, that had ERP, with good results:

https://jackieleasommers.com/2013/10/20 ... -sufferer/

I found one of the missing WordPress articles:

https://web.archive.org/web/20170704014 ... hangeable/

(Last time I made a link it didn't turn into a hyperlink either way anybody can just copy and paste it)

And by the way "Sexual Behavior: Problems and Management" is the name of the book I know is said that I'm just confirming

Kaleb28 wrote:I found one of the missing WordPress articles:

https://web.archive.org/web/20170704014 ... hangeable/

(Last time I made a link it didn't turn into a hyperlink either way anybody can just copy and paste it)

And by the way "Sexual Behavior: Problems and Management" is the name of the book I know is said that I'm just confirming

Someone give that man a doughnut!!!

You found it! That's it! Bless you.

I agree with those conclusions 1000%, based on my own experience. I could be wrong, but I stand by that, until proven otherwise. Only you, or any of the other males in the OCD forum who struggle with HOCD, can say how you felt, minus the fear, prior to age 15. But in the absence of any 'gay' behavior, I have to remain skeptical. I know by the time I was found by my pederast around age 13, I was already doing some pretty gay things in private and exploring my body pretty thoroughly and wishing I had another boy to explore with, even though I thought about girls a lot also. Same-sex pubescent experimentation, while natural and something most boys that engage in it quickly grow out of, merely whetted my appetite for more. I think McConaghy would probably find me to be somewhere around 50-50. If he's just going by the penisthograph, then possibly 40-60 or more, simply because I have a large separation between romantic and sexual desires.

So yes I agree with Lindsay's assessment- I'm only a moderator here, I'm certainly not an expert on anything, but that's the yardstick I use.