Wanting help with my sexuality

Snaga wrote:In what way, is there no hope? What result in finding out whether this is OCD or not, makes it hopeless

I won't be able to go back to whatever "normal" was, or maybe I will, but it will be an altered form

Snaga wrote:You can either stay at this level of distress for who knows how long; or you can seek help and get an answer.

Yeah, your right I'm just afraid, I feel secure in being insecure.if.that makes sense. The only thing keeping me going is the tiny sliver of hope that this attraction and honest to God actual feelings are false and even though I could get it confirmed again, there's that chance that it could be real and that is going.to send me into a major depression.for who knows how long and these days because I'm attracted to men and because I get good feelings sort of (I know I've said that a lot I'm just trying.to emphasize something here) this uncertainty that I'm feeling currently just seems more appealing. In the past when I told my mother I was somewhat confident in it being ocd because the whole idea of being.with a guy was revolting these days it's not, so in a sense I kind of want to live in a delusion but I equally don't want to be stressed, but the potential result seems far more depressing than what I'm going through.

I know it makes no sense obviously if I got it confirmed that I was gay than my feelings wouldn't change

I'm starting to think that these thoughts, feelings urges and attractions are going to stay with me forever based on what I've read it's scary my "ocd" doesn't seem to different to "sexual orientation disturbance" from the DSM ll I don't know it really sucks.

I'm sorry for coming here I'm just confused

Alright so now I still feel anxious I don't feel much fear but I wouldn't necessarily mind the closeness to a guy it kind of sounds nice and practically turns me on but honestly I can imagine myself being intimate with a guy and it doesn't bother me and doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world. The hard part right now seems being ok with it because this all seems new

I let myself not be anxious and I felt great I actually masterbaited to some odd gay erotica because I wanted to it doesn't seem like the end of the world I can still have my old fantasies along with this as well this is honestly the happiest I've felt in a while with that being said I still feel a little depressed because I remember being exclusively straight so my fantasies won't be the same but the depression isn't that large right now

Snaga wrote:Reflect on your own relationship with your dad, and see if that resonates any.

Oh no both my dad and step-dad have been there to a point (especially my step-dad) where I will reject them out of a sense of either laziness or me just wanting to be left alone,

it's still hard to deal with, I'd be far more comfortable if I had the same desire for women I did 5 months ago now. Like if I felt the way I'm feeling now with the same burning passion I had for women, I still hope that it will come back some day, who knows maybe it's possible now that I'm not as anxious ( keyword being as) twords the idea of a guy in my bed

Even in spite of my lack of anxiety I still hope that I can go back some form of normal, I don't know I feel less straight now than I did yesterday when I was constantly worrying I like thinking of men and I've masterbaited and enjoyed thoughts related to men but there's still this part of me that checks I'm hope that I'll lose my attraction. It's all weird I thought my lack of anxiety would at the very least help bring back my attraction (and maybe it will with time) but now (like I said) I feel less straight. And I know I've talked about this before (I think) but there's very few people I can find who where clueless for a while after discovering the sexual side of themselves. I'm confused and alone I definitely don't feel straight these days but I can't think of anything in my past that would.of indicated it everything I wanted was in a woman for 8 years of my life. But now I like men genuinely the people on the OCD forum don't seem like my and I'd say I'm closer to a bisexual in some way because I want a guy to some extent but even if they looked back they could see it. Am I just not being honest with my self, I mean I don't nessacarily like that I can get off to men but it is what it is likewise when I look at my past I can't think of anything that would of indicated this. I know it seems like I'm distressed but I'm not I'm just SOL I can't find answers as to why I'm like this I literally just want some form of closer but I can't find it