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Wanting help with my sexuality

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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:33 pm

If men are popping into your head when you masturbate- could it be because you're afraid of that happening?

It's almost impossible to NOT think something. If you go into masturbation worrying about images of men coming to mind- then images of men are going to come to mind. You're going to have to stop dreading it.

I get performance anxiety. I can have morning wood for ages on end- but you get me in another room with someone, and expect me to have sex, I can't worry that I'm not going to get an erection, and then expect to have a raging hard on. Nope, I worried about it, you can't make yourself not think about something without thinking it, so yeah, the predicted result happens.

Likewise, it's unrealistic to worry obsessively over getting off to men, and then not thinking about men when you masturbate. You set yourself up for it to happen- and as far as I know, the only way to get away from it, is to stop worrying about it. Just let Nature do its thang.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Wed Sep 15, 2021 7:31 pm

Snaga wrote: men are popping into your head when you masturbate- could it be because you're afraid of that happening?


Afraid, kind of. I'm also depressed I don't want to enjoy Masterbaiting to men because for four years I couldn't even imagine it, and for another for years (after my first episode) I still couldn't imagine it which was why I stressed out. These days I can't have the same fantasies I used to, I find women more disgusting and I can enjoy Masterbaiting to men, I hate that because I remember how I used to feel and it was great. I remember when I would have my episodes of OCD and when I would masterbate to men I wouldn't enjoy it I remember watching gay porn when I was 14 and hating it, these days however I do enjoy Masterbaiting to men though I equally hate it because I don't want to, I don't feel the urge to watch gay porn (I only feel the urge to 'check') or check out men but when I see an attractive man I just look away because I hate it. That's why I say if this happened when I was 10-11 it would have been much easier because I wouldn't of had the experience that I had for the past almost 8 years to remember, I feel hoodwinked because of how I currently feel
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:20 am

Maybe you've just 'checked' for so long, that you've habituated yourself to it, which is one reason people should not check. Never, ever check- remember Pavlov's dog. Don't be Pavlov's dog.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Fri Sep 17, 2021 7:06 pm

So I've felt moderately ok today I've simply ignored the urges to 'check' which has a bit of a problem all on it's own but I feel slightly ok, I guess the only thing keeping me going is the thought that I wasn't like this 6 or so months ago. I still don't like checking out men though because, well there attractive so I just ignore places where men are, can't decide whether that's a good or bad thing, who knows all I know is that I'm moderately ok for now, will see how I am tomorrow hahaha
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Fri Sep 17, 2021 10:41 pm

I'm gonna try and world this in the best way possible to make it less confusing:

So with OCD the ultimate goal is to make the thoughts not bother you, one way to do this is to convince your brain that your obsessions are true correct? Well the problem I'm having is I find men attractive now, which I've said a million times so I'll go into more detail. I don't enjoy looking at men as a result of them being attractive, I don't have an urge to look at men because I enjoy it, I have an urge to look at them to 'check' and see if the attraction will disappear. And I obsess and fear that I will be like this forever, I fear the day that I will wake up and all these feelings of mine will still exist with no anxiety and I will be ok with it. So how do I convince myself that I like it when I already know it is true? Does that make since. Perhaps this isn't the OCD part of me maybe it's truly me so maybe this question is unless but still I need to try.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Sat Sep 18, 2021 2:49 am

In the past couple of hours my urges have gone crazy I feel like I could actually have sex with a guy, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to deal with this, men are just so attractive. I don't know im such a coward I don't know what I want currently. I just think that if I could do something with a guy I would be relieved everything feels so inverted. I don't want to do anything I think ahhhhhh
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 18, 2021 3:43 pm

Kaleb28 wrote:So with OCD the ultimate goal is to make the thoughts not bother you, one way to do this is to convince your brain that your obsessions are true correct?


I've heard it put that way- but I don't buy into it as worded. Because I certainly do not buy into that I'm a killer, with my harm OCD. Even now, I feel it tickling my brain, telling me I could kill people. Okay, I'm sure I could; however, the capability of doing something does not equate a desire to, nor an irresistible urge to. I'm capable of climbing out of my roof and pretending to fly like Superman, too- I'm not going to do it.

So no, I don't like it worded that way. What I prefer to say, is that I accept the presence of my thoughts. Without at any time admitting they're 'true'. At the same time, I have to cultivate the attitude that my fears don't matter, and I don't care about them or if they come true. Again, it's the deferment of anxiety, until there is an action that deserves it. In the case of my harm OCD, 'OMG I've killed the cat!' or partner, or neighbors... or oh my God, I've actually flung myself off this balcony railing... that's the hardest one for me to deal with- I hate balconies and it takes a lot of willpower to be close to one. Funny, though- never have pitched myself over one.

At no time do I convince myself the obsessions are true. I just make the decision that I don't care if they were true. Without ever telling myself I'm a killer, or a pedophile, for example. I decide to simply not care. I know I'm not, because my actions towards others (or in the case of pedophilia, illegal porn) have never, ever indicated anything other than I am not those things. But to quell the OCD, I have to have the attitude that I don't care if I am those things. Since I'm not, and I know I'm not, then I have to take that leap of faith, that I won't become those things. Because OCD thinks I need to care about them very much! But only by letting go of that care, do I defeat the OCD.

It's not about 'accepting' what you are, or are not- it's about removing the emotions from it.

This video clip is rather like what I'm trying to describe:

https://youtu.be/zqorUpKA1pU

Star Trek's episode The Empath. In way of background, Kirk and Spock are watching McCoy die, and at the same time the only person who can save him is an empath whose able to transfer his wounds to herself- then she'll die- meanwhile the aliens who have been slowly killing McCoy via torture, who are carrying out this brutal experiment in self-sacrifice, are merely standing there, observing the drama play itself out, refusing to prevent one person or the other from dying.

Needless to say, Kirk and Spock are more than a bit uptight about that.

Kirk and Spock are trapped in a force field that prevents them from intervening. Spock realises that the force field drains their body's energy in order to strengthen itself, based on the level of emotional reaction they have to what they see playing out in front of them- in short, the harder they fight to get out of the force field, the more they get worked up over this, the weaker they become, the stronger the force field becomes, and the greater the impossibility of breaking out of it. Instead, they have to do what is the opposite of their instinct... which is to... make the conscious decision to Not Care on an emotional level. Only by emotionally not giving a $#%^ about what's happening, are they able to escape the force field and do something about it.

OCD is, to me, just like that. The more you work yourself up over something, the stronger the grip on you. The OCD is like that force field. You can only escape it, by not giving it your fear to feed on. Which mean that emotionally speaking, you have to not give a rat's ass if you're gay or straight. Worry about being gay, when you find yourself in bed with other men- not before. Defer the anxiety for later. That is the only way I keep a handle on intrusive harm thoughts, and to a much lesser extent, pedophilia intrusive thoughts.

Otherwise you're just punching air, so to speak.

Kaleb28 wrote:I don't enjoy looking at men as a result of them being attractive, I don't have an urge to look at men because I enjoy it, I have an urge to look at them to 'check' and see if the attraction will disappear.


I bought a gay mag as a young man because I wanted to. I was driven to. I didn't want to want to, but I did. And it wasn't to check. It was because there was something in me that wanted to look at it, and as much as I didn't want to be that way, I couldn't avoid it. When I got the internet, wasn't long before I found myself looking at men and gay porn online. But never to 'check'. And any time I've taken a sexual orientation quiz, it's been knowing that a part of me wants the expected result. It was never for 'reassurance' that I was straight.

If you don't have an urge to look at men because you enjoy it- you're either OCD in my book, or you have superhuman willpower. In the first case it feels as if you're going to drive yourself nuts over this, and in the second case, then why are you fighting this so hard? You're liable to break under the strain. I can understand religious considerations- but even then you can only control your behaviour with other living human beings, I can tell you right now that a genuine sexual urge is damned hard to suppress entirely, however. I can choose not to have sex with other men based on religious concerns; but I've never been able to unwant what the libido wants. We live in a fallen world- I didn't ask to be this way, and I can only govern what I do as a sentient being, but I can't seem to govern what the libido yearns for. Far as I know, it's really not 'curable'. Only manageable.

You say you find men attractive- yet you say you only look at them, to see if you still find them attractive. I'm not therapist but that still feels as if there's false attraction and OCD involved. No matter your protestations, you make noises like someone really gripped by OCD, to me. I've always had curiosity over my sexual orientation. I've always had angst over it- I don't want to be this way!- but this... it just feels different with you, or you're really doing a good job at self-denial. Only you know what is in your brain, for sure- only you know if you're driven to be with other men. You really, really need to talk to a therapist over this. All I am is an opinionated old man who finds it distressing that teens and young adults beat themselves up over sexuality over and over and over, when many times I don't even feel as if they are what they're scared of being, because they have no history of being that. I was interested in sex, no matter who it was with, from an early age. That's probably not remarkable for someone hitting puberty; but some of us don't grow out of that- and that's what make me say I'm bisexual. I never stopped wanting to mess around with other guys. I only managed to not have the desire to do so, for limited periods of time.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Sat Sep 18, 2021 4:34 pm

I've been on the verge of going to a therapist but I always cower away because I'm afraid of what there going to say, I was diagnosed 3 years ago with ocd but this attraction and almost good feelings I get for men feels like my sexual orientation in reverse simply with an add on of anxiety, which is why I'm so afraid of going to a therapist. I'm afraid they'll say I have generalized anxiety disorder or something like that, I'll eventually have to go to one and just face my fear of being not straight but I'm currently just afraid to. I enjoy the anxiety to some extent.
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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 18, 2021 10:48 pm

Well, I think you need to. Why are you afraid? What horrible, horrible thing will happen?
Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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Re: Wanting help with my sexuality

Postby Kaleb28 » Mon Sep 20, 2021 2:20 am

Snaga wrote:Why are you afraid? What horrible, horrible thing will happen


I'll potentially feel like there's no hope. I think that if I where to tell some therapist that I find men attractive and that I get somewhat good feelings when thinking of men that there gonna say it was a mis-diagnosis. Now yes it all really went into overdrive 5 months ago but it was kind of always there since September-october of last year, I mean they'd definitely look at my diagnosis I'm sure but it just seems scary. For me the lines are heavily blurred between what I want and don't want I get the same type of anxiety I get when looking at attractive men with women (If I don't know it's a woman) until I figure out oh it's a woman im fine. All these things just feel real when I compare them with my "old self" so it just seems scary because they might say something that will make me depressed, and than I will feel absolutely no hope because it was confirmed more or less by a professional.
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