I dont want to be a trans but I can't help it

Since I was around 14, I got some urges that made me think, what would my life look like if I was a 10/10 female model.

When I was around 15, I got into shemales and trans. I thought they were beautiful, divine beings and I was below one, I was very attracted to them, but every-time I were to finish my business, I would become ill with myself and become very depressed because of what I did

Now and these urges have been getting so bad! Recently I was on aliexpress buying some computer stuff and I saw these yoga shorts, I did not think much of them and just ignored them, after seeing them a few more times I bought them, this made me so sick of myself.

I now where those shorts under my regular underwear, It makes me so upset about what I do, I just hate what I do but I just cant stop.

I don't want to see where these fantasies take me but i'm scared ill end up a *mod edit; [transsexual]*, I need fixing

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

While paraphilias is a closed topic now on Psych Forums- including fetish, I'm sorry to report, so we can't simply chew the fat over a 'shemale' fetish, I think you might want to think about the concept of autogynephilia- defined as

"a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female"

Your post sounds almost like those from people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- there is a quite common OCD theme these past years, the fear of being a transsexual. Since you seem to be afraid that your sexual likes might turn into you being what you have found attractive, it resembles that. Do you otherwise have trouble with obsessive-compulsive fears, or anxiety in general?

Even if you find the idea of cross-dressing titillating, that's a long way from having gender dysphoria. You're hardly the first man to find feminine clothing exciting, and not be transsexual.