Balancing Fantasies vs Reality in a Marriage

My husband and I have been together for about 12 years now and married for 7. From the beginning, during sex we frequently talk about being intimate with other people. we are both into it and have had pasts that included open relationships. But for the past 11 years we have been monogamous and while we continue to involve others in our shared fantasies, we have not done so in reality.

For the past couple of months I've been getting massages from a friend of mine and so we have naturally brought that into our bedroom talk. My husband has also given me tips to encourage my friend to do more than just give me massages. I have indulged and received oral sex, which was a huge turn on. But I also feel guilty and while my husband seems okay with what has so far occurred, I worry that perhaps at a certain point my husband would be hurt by me having sexual relations with my friend.

I let my husband know of my concerns and he said that he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do. But it still gets us both very horny talking about it and we continue to roleplay my friend and I having sex, which is a major turn on. I have no problem with that happening in reality except for the worry that my husband may think that he is into it until it really happens but then feel hurt if it actually does occur.

Looking for thoughts that others might have on how to balance our fantasies with reality. I have no close friends who I can discuss this with, but this forum appears to be a safe place to have an open discussion about it without judgement. Thank you.

Hello and welcome!

An interesting situation...

For some guys, that's a turn on. Whether the reality still excites him, however, I don't know.

Now, if I'm reading this right, you both have been in open relationships, but... you yourselves became exclusive, and for all practical purposes, have not had extramarital play? But if he's been cool with it in the past... then maybe he's okay with it. Or even gets excited by it.

I'm in a very closed heterosexual relationship (I'm male, despite my avatar) but I think I'd be okay with something like that, as long as I didn't think anyone was going to bring anything nasty home, and the freedom ran both ways. I think I'd also get some excitement from my other half doing things, although I think in that case, I'd like to either be a participant, or observer. I could see myself being some sort of swinger, in other words.

But there's only one way to know for sure, isn't there?

Do you feel as if he's simply okay with this, or that he's actually sort of pushing for it?

Thank you Snaga! I appreciate your perspective and feedback.

You read correctly on the prior open relationships and the street definitely goes both ways, which he and I have talked about before. He is very open about the fact that both the past and prospect of it in the future excite him and does exhibit increased enthusiasm when incorporating it into our bedroom talk. We've also been much more active since I started getting the massages from my friend.

He has also expressed interest in being an observer, although I would enjoy it more if he were a participant and not just an observer (and I let him know that).

As for your last question, that is the part I am unsure of. The way he talks and behaves when we are intimate seems to indicate that he is pushing for it. And I tell him everything that happens immediately following so he knows it is actually occurring, not just fantasy talk. So I think he really is wanting it to happen, it is just outside of what has been our norm for the past 11 years. I love him so much and just want to be cautious as I have no models for how these types of relationships go when they are long term since my previous relationships were defined from the outset as 'no strings'.

JP8451 wrote: I love him so much

Would you be doing this just because of that? Or would you like to do it, as well?

I mean, I understand the caution and I think it's going to boil down to having to test the waters by jumping in (or not), but as long as it's something that you think you'd like, too, right?

Hi Snaga,

The massages and messing around with my friend are a huge turn on for me. I wouldn't be doing it just because I love him or because we are married, but the question is a good one to raise.

The situation is actually similar to what I used to participate in with my previous relationship (no deep emotional bonds in that one), although back then it was usually with my boyfriend present and participating (and the one bringing his guy friends or in one case another girlfriend).

When my husband and I first got together I shared all about that relationship with him, which was a huge turn on for him. There was some overlap between him and the prior relationship when he and I were just having sex and were not in a committed relationship. At some point we started dating and getting serious and that's when I dropped the other relationship.

I think in the end you are right-- there's only one way to know. I'll continue doing what I am enjoying and filling my husband on the details, and if he seems to stop enjoying it or being okay with it I'll put on the breaks.

Thank you again Snaga for talking with me about this.

JP8451 wrote:Thank you again Snaga for talking with me about this.

My pleasure sweetie. I envy your position. I think I would appreciate a more open arrangement, but for most of us, that's just not going to happen. Keep us updated on how it works out- not asking for salacious details of course, just how is everyone with it, if it flies or flops...fingers crossed that it works out to everyone's satisfaction and keeps things spicy in your relationship!

Thank you Snaga. Will do. My friend and I get together for the massages every few weeks. I give my husband the details right after (many times before I get home since the anticipation for us will have been building for days prior to the massage) so I always know his reaction almost immediately. Then the next few days afterwards always give me an idea if what excited my husband most. I'll post here when there is a development.

Sounds like a plan! The best of luck to you as y'all navigate thru this new facet of your relationship.

JP8451 wrote:My husband and I have been together for about 12 years now and married for 7. From the beginning, during sex we frequently talk about being intimate with other people. we are both into it and have had pasts that included open relationships. But for the past 11 years we have been monogamous and while we continue to involve others in our shared fantasies, we have not done so in reality.

For the past couple of months I've been getting massages from a friend of mine and so we have naturally brought that into our bedroom talk. My husband has also given me tips to encourage my friend to do more than just give me massages. I have indulged and received oral sex, which was a huge turn on. But I also feel guilty and while my husband seems okay with what has so far occurred, I worry that perhaps at a certain point my husband would be hurt by me having sexual relations with my friend.

I let my husband know of my concerns and he said that he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do. But it still gets us both very horny talking about it and we continue to roleplay my friend and I having sex, which is a major turn on. I have no problem with that happening in reality except for the worry that my husband may think that he is into it until it really happens but then feel hurt if it actually does occur.

Looking for thoughts that others might have on how to balance our fantasies with reality. I have no close friends who I can discuss this with, but this forum appears to be a safe place to have an open discussion about it without judgement. Thank you.

Sounds like your husband wants yoy to enjoy sex with your friend

JP8451 wrote:Thank you Snaga. Will do. My friend and I get together for the massages every few weeks. I give my husband the details right after (many times before I get home since the anticipation for us will have been building for days prior to the massage) so I always know his reaction almost immediately. Then the next few days afterwards always give me an idea if what excited my husband most. I'll post here when there is a development.

Was there ever any development?