There has to be a way to be normal

Im sorry if this isnt in the right section. Im gay but I have a kid. He came as a surprise to me two years after he was born. Ive been going along with the mother, doing what Im supposed to do, before I knew it we have a duplex together and shes talking about marriage. But also she gets upset and insecure at the lack of sex.

I know its controversial, but hear me out. I want to stop being gay. I need to stop being gay. Or whatever it is that I am. I just want to be normal. Its killing me. I feel like Ive been buried alive. Ive seen my mom twice and Ive never met my dad, I dont care what it takes, I need my son to have a normal family. The cycle needs to end with me and this whole being gay business isnt helping one bit. Maybe we could come up with a method that doesnt involve electricity, shaming and praying. Help me.

hello, I'm moderator over the sexual disorders, I've moved this post to Sexuality, where you might get some responses.

The only thing I can think of that might work, is prayer. Which isn't on your list.

I'm coming from the angle of someone who's bisexual, very un-politically-correct, and dislike LGBTQ politically-driven orthodoxy in the extreme. So... I'm definitely not coming from the position of trying to dissuade you from changing, and I think it's a reasonable desire. You don't have to like, being gay.

But....

I don't know how to change sexual orientation. I used to take the purely conventional line that it's a choice, and a person can darn well change, if they want to. I used to think 'born that way' was a cop-out.


I still don't know we're born Not Straight... But the older I get, and as much as I never asked, or wanted, to be Bi, I'm not sure it's possible to change. The only thing I control is my behaviour; I can't control what turns me on. I've read (second hand, I would love to get hold of the source material) that males can't change. That's coming from an Australian sexologist that spent a lot of time not just cataloging sexual orientation, but trying to change it, with willing subjects. And he couldn't, not a jot. Acc'd to his conclusions, my place about the middle of the Kinsey scale is where I am, period, not changing. And I'm starting to believe it.

The same researcher found that women were able to switch orientation, given sufficient (translation: a LOT) motivation, but he got nowhere, with men. And that involved everything short of prayer, including electricity. Didn't work.

I'm not trying to set you up for failure, but short of a Higher Power, I'm just saying that you might not find what you're looking for. Most of the conversion therapy I've heard of, involves religion. I've heard of religious guys claiming they were cured of homosexuality, but only God knows what's really bouncing around in their cranium, be it a genuine cessation of same-sex desires, or self-delusion. I know that I haven't changed since I discovered my urges at the age of 13 or so. I can control who I do what with- but I have little say over what I want.

If you're bi enough to be attracted to the mom, then yay for you- I think, for me, it comes down to a sort of cost/benefit thing. I decided to have heterosexual relationships because I value and want female companionship, more than I want sex with dudes. But that doesn't take the want away; I just have to remind myself I'm doing what seems best for me. And you'll have to do, what seems the best thing for your situation and moral compass in regards to your kid. If you can find a way to change orientation, post us an update I'd love to know how, because in 40 years I ain't figured it out.

people are who they are. you have to accept yourself for who you are. if you can't do this, you're not going to be happy no matter what relationships you choose, or choose you. so, forget about trying to be normal and try being you. if you can cope with these relationships and still be who you are, so much the better. if you can't, you can be sure that trying to be someone other than you isn't going to fix that problem.

who we love has little to do with sex or even sexual orientation, though society does its best to convince us of the former. love is wanting the best for other people and being willing to put ourselves out to achieve that for them.

to be ourselves and allow other people to be themselves is always best, as we're not being false and we're not trying to control anyone else. and out of that honesty and respect we can have deeply loving relationships, if we try. so, it's really up to you to try to be honest and respectful, not just of other people but of yourself too.

This is 2019. It's good to live at a time where gay marriage is legal in my country. There is also a growing number of married gay men adopting kids. I personally know a few gay married men who have kids. It's wonderful.

The definition of normal has changed. It's such an outdated and ancient word. Gone are the days where only a woman and man can get married. Gone are the days where two gay men couldn't adopt. It's 2019, gay is very normal right now. I know some countries are anti-gay, but I'm not worried about them. I'm embracing the progressive cultures that have understand that true love comes in many forms.

TryingToFitIn ... try to love yourself for who you are. Self-love is an amazing feeling that outshines ancient expectations of you.

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*mod edit- unhelpful comment*

Nothing much to add, other than that is how you are wired, and no fault for that. With so many people some are wired to be gay. I cannot personally related to the outcast part of that experience, but I also know that people who are gay didn't choose it, it's just how they are.

Hoping you can come to a point of accepting yourself, without shame or guilt.

p.s. I think the religious right are all wrong when it comes to this. It's a bell curve and on that curve some people prefer the same sex. There is nothing wrong with you. I know too that writing a few words here won't make your life any easier.