My boyfriend came out as transgender (long post)

My boyfriend came out as transgender 2 months into our relationship and it’s left me emotionally and physically distressed.

Earlier in the year, I got back into contact with someone who I knew from secondary school, though we didn’t speak at the time. We bonded over the fact we both struggled in our teens and became good friends as a result. I was surprised to be informed that my friend had been living as a woman for the past 2 years, self-medicating with T-blockers/female hormones and had legally changed their name. They found comfort in wearing their relatives old dresses as a young child and began venturing outdoors in female clothes on weekends as a teenager, then after years of not presenting that way, they came out in their mid 20's. But it would seem majority of fem dressing was for work and selfies - they said they like the confidence boost when posted online.


We met up and I was surprised at how they still seemed very much a guy. Now, I know that for transgender people, passing is tough, but aside the seemingly male presentation, it was their mannerisms and general characteristics that would deem one to believe this person was in fact a ‘true’ male.

They also expressed their doubt in the process, and admitted that after we met up, they stopped their hormones altogether. Interestingly before we met, they said they’d been ‘duding’ it up for general day to day anyway. I did seem some images from a year/two years back where they dressed as a female but for the most part was fairly casual. I do not begrudge the LGBT community and I was just happy that whatever choice my friend made, it was the right one for them.

During this time, I was in a long-term relationship that I was deeply unhappy in. I had tried to end it the year before to no avail and tried my best to make it work, but when something’s over, it’s done with. My new close friend had admitted their feelings for me prior and expressed their dissatisfaction in how I was treated in my relationship, admitting it annoyed them when they would ‘give me the world’. We hung out for the day on another occasion (they’d even been shopping for new clothes beforehand to prepare for the day as they’d thrown their female clothes out) and that was the day I knew I had to end my relationship due to my feelings developing – of course, this wasn’t the sole reason, it was just a driving force, plus I wasn’t about to start an affair as I am strongly against it.

To briefly summarise it, my close friend was the true epitome of a knight in shining armour, I had a place to live in following my breakup and they took wonderful care of me – it was like a movie or fanfiction and of course I relished into my new surroundings. There was a challenge, they have a child from a previous relationship but when you’re so deeply infatuated, you’d take on obstacles/challenges you wouldn’t have otherwise. In regards to gender, my now new boyfriend reverted back to male pronouns and was happy to be referred to as my ‘boyfriend’ and their male name. I continually liaised with them to ensure that they were making the right decision and expressed how I would not be able to romantically support them if they were to revert back to living as a woman and getting SRS etc. They claimed that the transition was due to them hating themselves so much they wanted to be a different person, admitting that it was an adjustment to go back to living as a male, and they had some dysphoria, but they ‘had to have me’ and they didn’t want to ‘lose me’ over a ‘phase’.

For two solid months we were like any other couple living together. I had to adjust to my new life but it was fantastic to house-share with someone whom I had plenty in common with and a undeniable connection. For the first time, I felt I had experienced true happiness in regards to relationships. Sometime nearing 2 months into our relationship, they decided to go to work in a dress, saying that they like being my boyfriend and casual at the weekends but miss wearing smart womenswear for work. I didn’t read too much into it until they started saying it was ‘time to be themselves’ and how they wanted their hair super long again (they’d cut it just below shoulder length during our 2 months together). After a while they broke down and said they can’t live a lie anymore and I was beyond livid, as one could imagine. They begged me to stay and that they’re still the same person, but as a cis-gendered straight woman, it was a lot to ask for and I am just in no way romantically or sexually attracted to women. So that was the end of our romantic relationship – well I tried to give it a go but lasted just ONE day when I came to acknowledge the changes that would occur to this person.


Here are some struggles we have dealt with since they came back out:

-The idea that I can/could date displeases them. Sometime after they came back out, I went to the cinema with someone and beforehand they were very standoffish before crying saying it was ‘killing them’ to see me date someone. When I returned from this date (in which there was zero chemistry), they passionately kissed me.

- Feeling as though they’d have a breakdown if I ever moved on – they said they know there’s an expiry date but want to enjoy what they have with me.

-They still present male most of the time and this applies for their mannerisms etc. You would have no idea otherwise - however, I am mindful this could be due to my statement that if they presented female it would be easier for me to move on. Part of them seems to 'dude up' as they call it for my benefit, but they're still waiting for their hormones to arrive, so they said they may present more often once the effects kick in.

-Friends and family argue that they 'sold me the dream' based on a lie and they should of been more upfront/honest regardless.

-My friend feels they are still treating me like a Queen (not limited to material things) because they're guilty - it is true they lavish me with gifts, even when I ask them not to.

-My fear I'd never be treated this well by anyone else. They even said via messenger that 'no one would ever treat me the the way they do' - this was during a time they were begging me to give it a chance etc.

- States we are two best friends living with one another and there’s nothing wrong and how we love each other and will move onto bigger things, such as a new home, pet etc, as if we are still together.

- I already have depression and anxiety - my hair is falling out and I am losing weight from stress.

- I am often in tears over the situation and don't want them to change. I have cried too often lately.

-Moving out isn’t an option right now due to recent financial/employment circumstances but I am getting a new bed for separate sleeping.

Just wanted to add, they have NOT had therapy/counselling and are still on a waiting list to be seen by a gender specialist. I have tried to be as supportive as possible, going shopping with them, telling them to do what they got to do and their happiness is paramount to me etc. I will always be their friend regardless.

Maybe I am part to blame, since I was aware of the dysphoria. It's hard when you've been promised countless times that your partner is a man, but then turns out NOT to be. More to the point, it doesn't remedy the anguish I experience on a day to day basis. I feel guilty for being straight. I am not sure what I am trying to achieve posting this, just needed somewhere to vent.