Obsessing about sexuality

This obsession with my sexuality has caused nothing but stress. It's like I'm not sure who or what I am anymore, despite my past and present.

Now I'm overthinking whether I had hidden attractions or I have been blissfully ignorant of being gay.

This all started in April when funny enough, I was on a site (a place I frequented) that had lots of pornographic images of women and suddenly I started to feel a pressure in my throat almost similar to nausea but more akin an anxious feeling or reflex but without the anxiety. Since then every attractive girl I’ve come across brings about the same reflex. It’s like I notice a girl then it happens. Therefore, I have since been obsessing about whether I’m losing attraction to girls. It is more this reflex throat feeling meaning that I’m almost allergic to attractive girls that worries me.

Funny enough, I've slept with about three women between August and November. I was quite drunk each time but did not really come across any problems, other than taking longer to come but that is usually the alcohol. I sometimes overthink whether I was going through the motions. That in itself did not make sense as it time escalated mutually, but you can understand how I would split hairs.

Since then, I started checking if I liked guys (looking at guys and googling to see if I felt a reaction). I am considering taking a break from porn, as it's reached a point where vanilla does not do it much for me.

To make things worse I have been going on forums to check coming out stories and all it's filled with is men who didn't realize it until a big trigger then suddenly they are not only gay but see all the signs in the past. I'm not sure what to do when I'm out and I see a dude I overthink whether or not it is an attraction.

Girls I feel indifferent towards at the moment and worry if it's due to some trigger as if I never was attracted to women in the first place. But it just doesn't make sense. I must admit I have had bi-curious thoughts like acts, but it was more than the taboo that gave a slight thrill. I don't intend on acting on it. But even that worries me like it's some sort of entry into becoming gay.

It's making me look at boths sexes differently, with men i wonder for a sec, do I find this person attractive? Then get hit with anxiety, which leads to googling for reactions. With women, it's like I feel indifferent and sometimes feel nauseated thinking about sex, even though i never did before and in real life (sleeping with one) it doesn't seem to be a problem.

What is your take on this?

Hey bud! This is normal. I went through a similar thing (though I didn't get nauseous). I obsessed for years - and I'm still learning more about my sexuality every day. Even when I had a girlfriend, I was wondering and trying to prove I was straight (I had a big fear of being gay - you may not). From my experiences, your sexuality isn't changing, you're only going deeper into your own sexuality to come out with a deeper understanding of all of your aspects. It feels bizarre, since it's like you have no place to stand firm and nothing makes sense. My take is, to get to the deeper level, allow these new possibilities to be as true as anything else. As fears and uncertainties come up, know that you don't have to be afraid and that you don't need a specific sexuality to define you. For me, it was very much about facing my fears and allowing myself to grow.

Again this is from my own perspective, and may not be exactly where you want to take your experiences. My sexuality teaches me a lot, though I was in panic about it for a while. Feel free to ask anything and stay in touch.

Cheers!
Brian

briandb wrote:Hey bud! This is normal. I went through a similar thing (though I didn't get nauseous). I obsessed for years - and I'm still learning more about my sexuality every day. Even when I had a girlfriend, I was wondering and trying to prove I was straight (I had a big fear of being gay - you may not). From my experiences, your sexuality isn't changing, you're only going deeper into your own sexuality to come out with a deeper understanding of all of your aspects. It feels bizarre, since it's like you have no place to stand firm and nothing makes sense. My take is, to get to the deeper level, allow these new possibilities to be as true as anything else. As fears and uncertainties come up, know that you don't have to be afraid and that you don't need a specific sexuality to define you. For me, it was very much about facing my fears and allowing myself to grow.

Again this is from my own perspective, and may not be exactly where you want to take your experiences. My sexuality teaches me a lot, though I was in panic about it for a while. Feel free to ask anything and stay in touch.

Cheers!
Brian

Hi thanks for looking at this. My main concern was at first about losing attraction to women because of the reflex or nausea thing, it has escalated to worrying if I have been gay or all along. It's frustrating as I just want things to return to normal as I love women and want it to stay that way. Even saying that sounds like I'm overcompensating.

briandb wrote:Hey bud! This is normal. I went through a similar thing (though I didn't get nauseous). I obsessed for years - and I'm still learning more about my sexuality every day. Even when I had a girlfriend, I was wondering and trying to prove I was straight (I had a big fear of being gay - you may not).

What exactly have you learned? I know what you mean about trying to prove your straightness, but I'm curious about the other stuff.

briandb wrote:From my experiences, your sexuality isn't changing, you're only going deeper into your own sexuality to come out with a deeper understanding of all of your aspects. It feels bizarre, since it's like you have no place to stand firm and nothing makes sense. My take is, to get to the deeper level, allow these new possibilities to be as true as anything else. As fears and uncertainties come up, know that you don't have to be afraid and that you don't need a specific sexuality to define you. For me, it was very much about facing my fears and allowing myself to grow.

Could you expand on this too? It's interesting but what do you mean by allowing possibilities to be as true as anything else for example.

It's frustrating as I just want things to return to normal as I love women and want it to stay that way.

Yep I know what you mean. I thought I was loosing attraction to women too. That doesn't really happen, but it seems that way if you need it to always look exactly the same. Allow your body to respond with nausea, and it will get less intense as it's able to take its course. I believe what you learn along the way will actually strengthen your relationship with women.

What exactly have you learned? I know what you mean about trying to prove your straightness, but I'm curious about the other stuff.

Sure, this doesn't have to match your experience, of course. I get more and more exposed to things I used to be afraid of. Through my own personal experiences, I feel more in touch with a gay version of myself and a woman version of myself. I allow my crushes for women to be as powerful as they want to be, without forcing any certain feelings. I can't say "I'm not gay or bi" - I'm learning that the labels don't have to apply or make sense. I've also applied what I learned to my fetish, which I thought I had to be ashamed of and is based on an event in my life I thought I had to be ashamed of.

Could you expand on this too? It's interesting but what do you mean by allowing possibilities to be as true as anything else for example.

For example, pretend you are in fact no longer attracted women and the nausea won't go away. You may start to feel things like confusion, sadness, and anger. I believe finding these feelings is the main point of the experience your going through. Heal yourself in these places by allowing the feelings to be in your body and knowing you're fine no matter what. You'll be more confident than ever, and the relationships you already enjoyed will grow and intensify.

That's my take on it anyways, from my own perspective. If some or all of these ideas don't feel right to you, no worries. Thanks for sharing and letting me chat about it.

Brian

briandb wrote:

It's frustrating as I just want things to return to normal as I love women and want it to stay that way.

Yep I know what you mean. I thought I was loosing attraction to women too. That doesn't really happen, but it seems that way if you need it to always look exactly the same. Allow your body to respond with nausea, and it will get less intense as it's able to take its course. I believe what you learn along the way will actually strengthen your relationship with women.

What exactly have you learned? I know what you mean about trying to prove your straightness, but I'm curious about the other stuff.

Sure, this doesn't have to match your experience, of course. I get more and more exposed to things I used to be afraid of. Through my own personal experiences, I feel more in touch with a gay version of myself and a woman version of myself. I allow my crushes for women to be as powerful as they want to be, without forcing any certain feelings. I can't say "I'm not gay or bi" - I'm learning that the labels don't have to apply or make sense. I've also applied what I learned to my fetish, which I thought I had to be ashamed of and is based on an event in my life I thought I had to be ashamed of.

Could you expand on this too? It's interesting but what do you mean by allowing possibilities to be as true as anything else for example.

For example, pretend you are in fact no longer attracted women and the nausea won't go away. You may start to feel things like confusion, sadness, and anger. I believe finding these feelings is the main point of the experience your going through. Heal yourself in these places by allowing the feelings to be in your body and knowing you're fine no matter what. You'll be more confident than ever, and the relationships you already enjoyed will grow and intensify.

That's my take on it anyways, from my own perspective. If some or all of these ideas don't feel right to you, no worries. Thanks for sharing and letting me chat about it.

Brian

Very interesting stuff, thanks for answering.

Especially the last part, about healing yourself, how did you cultivate the feelings that arose from accepting your anxieties to get better? And saying you're fine no matter what, in what sense that you will not be the same at the end of the tunnel. I realise that I'm just looking for reassurance, and that is textbook ocd ritual.

about healing yourself, how did you cultivate the feelings that arose from accepting your anxieties to get better?

When you find a place in you that is unafraid of the outcome, the feeling will cultivate itself. Or, if you want, imagine giving it some TLC like you might to a growing plant. A lot of feelings that arise in my experience are things I used to think I had kill like weeds - like feeling gay. The imagination will often churn out new ideas for how to heal, in the form of metaphors.

And saying you're fine no matter what, in what sense that you will not be the same at the end of the tunnel. I realise that I'm just looking for reassurance, and that is textbook ocd ritual.

Yep! : ) Be your own reassurance by knowing you're at the end of the tunnel now, and here you are, just being you, and that's something worth being.


Thanks for the questions!!

Brian

briandb wrote:

about healing yourself, how did you cultivate the feelings that arose from accepting your anxieties to get better?

When you find a place in you that is unafraid of the outcome, the feeling will cultivate itself. Or, if you want, imagine giving it some TLC like you might to a growing plant. A lot of feelings that arise in my experience are things I used to think I had kill like weeds - like feeling gay. The imagination will often churn out new ideas for how to heal, in the form of metaphors.

And saying you're fine no matter what, in what sense that you will not be the same at the end of the tunnel. I realise that I'm just looking for reassurance, and that is textbook ocd ritual.

Yep! : ) Be your own reassurance by knowing you're at the end of the tunnel now, and here you are, just being you, and that's something worth being.


Thanks for the questions!!

Brian

So what is your current status? You like women or are open to both?

I'm guessing byounmean i should cultivate the feeling that is unafraid of uncertainty, am I correct?

So what is your current status? You like women or are open to both?

Good question. I would say I am interested in women, but wouldn't be surprised if I liked a guy some day. So in that way I'm open. I also like exploring the ideas of being a woman and having a straight female sexuality in my imagination, so I'm bi in that way - but that's more about me and not the partner. My current response to the question "Are you gay?" is "A little" because that's the best answer I have at the moment. That's always a good question to try to answer, so thanks!

I'm guessing byounmean i should cultivate the feeling that is unafraid of uncertainty, am I correct?

I missed some of the question, but yes I'd say practice being unafraid of uncertainty.

I see what you mean now. I guess in my case i need to cultivate the fear of uncertainty. I think certainty is a trap a lot of people, myself included, fall for when looking for reassurance. Because i give power to my thoughts i think thwy dictate everything where it is both that followed by your actions.

Happy new year btw.