I want to be in an abusive relationship?

Hi. This is my first time posting a question so I'm a little unsure if this is the right category...anyway..
I'm a teen, yes, quite young I'm aware. Many might think I don't know what I'm talking about and it's just raging hormones blah blah blah.

But I've never been so sure about what I want. I'm a masochist, no doubt about that. From quite a young age this began. Since grade 4 I was bullied, nothing major just you typical, everyday bullying. I pretended I hated it but I didn't. I loved it. Every night I'd fantasise about being bullied harder the next day.

As I grew and came to know what porn was everything only got worse from there. I would read real stories of victims who had managed to escape their abusive ex and although I would feel sorry for them I couldn't help but envy them. And I'd like to make very clear one thing- IT HAS TO BE NON-CONSENSUAL. Not bdsm. Not a safe consensual relationship between two individuals who both agree to being abused/giving abuse. This is why I'm even more concerned about myself. I want to be stuck in an abusive relationship. One where I'm genuinely upset and want to escape but it's too late. I want to regret ever wanting one but it being too late. I'm screwed up aren't I..

I want it all. Physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse. I want to be beaten until I bleed. Bruises decorating my body. Fear controlling me. And rape of course.

Even though I haven't experienced much of this, I'm clear on what I want, need and crave. This isn't just a fantasy, I need it to be real. I'm not some wannabe fifty shades of grey girl or whatever, I'm not after role-play or scenes with a safe-word.

Why am I like this? I had a very normal upbringing with loving parents. I'm quite shy and have low self esteem and self-worth which might contribute to my twisted desires. But I feel like I'm terrible and disgusting to want the things I do. People who have had to suffer through all this must despise me for wanting what was ultimately their worst nightmare.
I'm genuinely worried that I'll never find someone who is sadistic and cruel enough to do all this to me.
HELP

I would not like to see harm come to you. Injury is never good. Sometimes it is pleasant to hand control of our body over to another who we trust and love. Pain and restraint can be a part of that control. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress.
I don't like to be called someone's 'rock' as I am not strong all the time. Sometimes I just need someone to take over and be the boss. It relieves a lot of stress just being able to hand control over to another and to dissolve my responsibilities, if only for a little while.
Roleplay and experimenting can be a fun part of a relationship. It is learning the inter-personal dynamics of ourselves and others.
I don't think that you would enjoy being a victim 24/7. It may be arousing to think of someone dominating us, but even finding a good sadist to carry out that role, some good judgement must be adhered to.
You might consider further exploring of what you really want. It may not be what you want all the time. Best of luck to you.

Hey Insanity,

Actually I don't believe your want is entirely unusual.

They key difference though lies in by choice, or no choice. Real abuse is not a choice, there are no safe words, no planning it, and no taking breaks.