Sex makes me cry?

I have a really weird problem that doesn't really affect my relationship with my boyfriend but bothers me a lot. Let me explain....

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 3 months now. We're in a long distance relationship (London and Brighton... not too bad but when you're both students who work weekends it's hard to find the time and money to see each other). We started going out in March 2009 when I was 15 and he was 18. We were both virgins, and after over a year together we had sex for the first time (although we'd done other sexual things prior to that). The first time we had sex I cried because I got no pleasure from it and assumed I just had a broken vagina or something and that I was such a bad girlfriend because I couldn't fully engage with having sex because I couldn't feel a pleasure alongside him. But I got over that and we continued having sex because he liked the intimacy of us being so close together that he was inside of me, if you catch my drift.

Over the last... year? I've been finding sex a lot more difficult to cope with. I feel so awkward because all I'm really doing is laying there and waiting for him to finish. Sometimes it hurts a bit, but mostly it doesn't hurt because he's careful and gentle, though it feels somewhat unpleasant to me and sometimes gives me stomach aches? Every time we've had sex I'd end up crying or almost crying at the end and feeling worthless. It's difficult to explain how I feel... sometimes I even feel violated? He doesn't do anything remotely violating though, he's lovely and gentle and doesn't mean any harm at all. Other times I just feel like it's so one sided to the extent where I might as well be an inanimate object because I'm not contributing to the moment at all... I've tried going on top and stuff like that but I can't seem to move fast enough for him and if he forces my hips to move faster it makes me feel more worthless and upset.

I confessed this to him a few months ago and he said that it's not a problem and we simply just won't have sex anymore and that's fine because we do other sexual things anyway. Last weekend I decided I was ready to try it again. He gave me all opportunity to back out and I insisted it was fine. We started and it was going alright when suddenly I found myself bursting into tears, and the harder I tried to hold it back the more the tears came. When he realized he stopped immediately and he just cuddled me whilst I cried for ages and apologized to him. Now I'm put off trying it again even more... it's like I have a phobia of sex now?

I just feel absolutely dreadful because he is such an amazing man and he's done absolutely nothing to traumatize me or harm me in any way... so to sometimes feel that I'm being VIOLATED is so awful because it makes him sound awful. I wanna emphasize that he is the best thing that's ever happened to me and he would never ever hurt me and it's in no way a possibility that he has damaged me in any way. We have a very good sex life in the sense of non-penetrative sex and we both gain pleasure from these activities, it just seems that I have no response to penetrative sex except for this very negative one.

I'm wondering if I was sexually abused as a child. I cannot recall any incident where I could've been, except I know that one time there was a possibility I would've been if my aunty didn't intervene before the opportunity arose (I only met the potential man once so there's no chance he could've done it prior to that event or after it). I want to ask my parents if I was abused by anyone as a child and maybe they've kept it a secret from me, but it's kind of a hard topic to bring up. It would also mean justifying my question with my reason for asking, which I'd rather not go into because although they probably know I've "done the dirty" because I'm on the contraceptive pill, it's not really something I want to vocally admit to them.

Does anyone know what the ###$ is wrong with me? I have no idea why I'm feeling like this but it's really getting me down and making me feel like an awful girlfriend.

No? Guess I'm just a freaky weirdo then... *sighs*

Look up vaginismus. Maybe your body just isn't hardwired to enjoy sex? And this is psyching you out. That's always a possibility.

hazel-

I don't think crying after intercourse is weird. I've experienced a number of times when I've broken down in tears after sex, and it does tend to weird guys out- your man is definitely supportive in that regard. Admittedly, in my situation it has not been an ongoing thing. With me, it's been an occasional thing, in situations in which I didn't really want to do it to begin with- I may have been depressed, or felt pressured, or just tired of resisting, or whatever.

But if it's an ongoing thing, it must be a problem in your life- it certainly would be for me. Do consult a physician to see if there is some medical issue. You may react differently, but a good vigorous shag is something that I need.

I question whether or not abuse when you were a little girl is a factor here. I was abused, and, as I said, weeping after sex isn't my norm. But a certain letdown is normal- remember the ancient Roman(?) aphorism, "Every animal is sad after intercourse" (women were excepted from that, however, lol).

You may have developed a prefomance anxiety. If sex makes you nervous, it can make it uncomfortable, even painful especially in females. This in turn makes you more nervous, which makes the situation worse.
You may want to seek the advice of a doctor or therapist. Personally I dont think you sound like you have such a rare problem.

-- Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:32 pm --

I should add that many kinds of abuse can cause problems in the bedroom. It doesnt have to be sexual abuse. prolonged situations where you are made to think you are bad, or worthless such as bullying can do it. It may also be the dynamic of your family, if you are having sex and your family or friends would not approve of the situation you may be feeling guilt as a result.

Hello Hazel

Before you panic, put a name tag on whatever "disorder" you might possibly have, or start looking for a lurking childhood trauma - relax.

There are zillions of factors that come into play when talking about sexuality. First of all, you are still very young. Just because things went a little different from what you expected doesn't mean you're a "freak" or abnormal, or need to be worried sick, or anything of the like.

People tend to agree on abuse whenever they come across something they are not familiar with or cannot be bothered to really look into. However, as I already mentioned - with sex, things are never "easy". There may not even be a simple, one-way solution to your problem.

A term that most people are familiar with yet fail to properly interpret these days is asexuality. As with most orientations deviant from the norm, it too comes in different "flavours". For example an asexual person might have a functioning sex drive, feel aroused in certain situations and even masturbate as other people do. They may however completely lack the desire of "doing it" with someone else and engaging in actual sexual activity. While some still find sex enjoyable and tolerable, others may find the mere thought of it unnecessary and unpleasant.
From what you have described it does sound as though you really wished to be intimate with your boyfriend, but this doesn't necessarily mean you "desired" it. Wanting to please the man you love is fairly reasonable in itself, after all.

If your problems persist or worsen, or you simply find the burden of confusion and "not knowing" unbearable, I indeed suggest you talk to a therapist. Whatever it is that causes your uneasiness, I can surely promise you're not alone with it. And it's not abnormal. We're all just human beings in the end, with needs and fears and the occasional batch of emotional baggage.

I work as a volunteer in a school education project that focuses on varying sexual orientations and gender identities, and will gladly offer my advice if you have further questions.
I wish you all the best!

*Removed SPAM, member banned.

Hi again everyone,

Thank you so much for the replies, they've been really interesting to read and reassured me a lot that I am not alone. I still haven't seeked professional help and I haven't done much more to look into it. My obsession with the subject was started to put a strain on our relationship so I pushed it aside, especially as I've had other such things as exams to concentrate on.

Things are a lot better now. We still haven't had penetrative sex since the last time I wrote about, but we agreed that perhaps I would find it easier if we incorporated it as a method of foreplay rather than doing it until he comes. We haven't exactly tried this yet because we're trying to reintroduce it slowly so I don't get flustered like last time. Instead, we seem to have found sort of equivalent activities to have sex where we both gain pleasure at the same time and it's pretty much like sex, just more grinding against each other rather than penetrating. We both enjoy this and it's given me a lot more confidence knowing that we can pleasure each other at the same time and be intimate.

Thank you for the advice. Maybe I'll see a therapist about it if the problem persists, but at the moment I seem to be doing okay with our alternative methods and my very compromising and understanding boyfriend.

It seems like you've found a lovely bloke, Hazel, well done. And it seems like you're doing everything right: focus on having fun and not on anyone else's expectations of what fun should be like.

I just wanted to pick something out of your first post:

The first time we had sex I cried because I got no pleasure from it and assumed I just had a broken vagina or something and that I was such a bad girlfriend because I couldn't fully engage with having sex because I couldn't feel a pleasure alongside him.

MOST women don't climax from vaginal sex alone. From some quick websearching, I've come up with the number 75%, repeated in several reasonably reliable places. Only 25% of women can reliably climax that way. I'm not one of them either. Culturally we're programmed to think that this is the be all and end all of hetero sex, but it's just not true. Statistically, it's probably that vaginal sex alone is never going to do it for you, and that you are in the great majority for being that way. And at that point, all the alternatives that you are exploring are going to make sex fun permanently, not just a temporary step until something else happens. Enjoy a normal, diverse, entertaining sex life that vaginal sex is just one part of.

Update :/

So we'd been doing absolutely fine, we'd even started using the penetration as brief foreplay and I had been completely fine, no anxiety. I thought I was recovering.

Then this weekend we came back from a wedding party. I was very drunk and he was sober. He asked if we could have sex and I said it was fine, and we did until he came. I was absolutely fine throughout the whole thing, no anxiety at all. But once he'd came and pulled out to go clean himself up, I suddenly found myself bursting into tears again. Through my crying I told him to ignore me because I was being silly and he'd done absolutely nothing wrong.

[EDIT]: I'm aware that alcohol consumption could have something to do with the outburst, but seens as this happens when I'm sober as well I somewhat doubt it was much to do with the alcohol.

We've been talking about it tonight and it's really frustrating me now. The only pattern I can find is that it only happens when he cums inside me, otherwise I'm ok. If it's of any significance, he always wears a condom and I'm on the pill, so there's never any pregnancy anxiety.

Are there doctors who deal with sexual psychology? Do they even exist? I feel like I need to talk to someone about this. All your replies have been great but none have quite touched on my problem, and I'm just at loss of what to do now really. My boyfriend's asking me whether I want to carry on trying to get over this bridge and keep trying sex, or whether to give up, and I just don't know. I hate depriving him of this, I feel so so rubbish.