Hang ups with sex

I'm going to be as quick to the point as possible as I have 2 other posts in the sexual addiction section dealing with my husband.

I have always associated sex with emotions, could never have one night stands (I'm 43 and have had one which I felt was a disaster because I felt empty and regretful immediately after). To me it's about the connection between two people, the deeper the connection the more intense the sexual experience. I think this somehow stems back to when I was 17 years old, still a virgin and date raped. I'm not a prude, I'm willing to experiment and try things that both of us are comfortable with and thoroughly enjoy sex with the right partner.

I was married for 17 years to a narcissistic person who put me down and made me feel bad about myself in general. My self confidence suffered and after my divorce it took alot to build it up. I had one good relationship after my divorce, but the majority of the men I met were only out for one thing and playing games. I met my current husband and we clicked immediately. We both had some bad relationships in the past and could relate on what we were looking for in a partner. He's a very sensitive soul like I am. Well, just recently he confessed to me that he was not completely honest about his past, that there were alot more women then he originally told me, ALOT of one night stands with women he met online and at bars. He was afraid to tell me for fear that I would leave him, before we even started our relationship. After I grilled him about it, he also admitted that he and his ex wife had been swinging during their marriage. He claims he did not love her, should have never married her and could care less that she was having sex with other men in front of him while he was with other women. She was an alcoholic and ultimately the swinging and her drinking ended the marriage. For some reason all of these confessions shattered me. I'm having trouble having sex with him now without "seeing" these other women and wondering "did he do this with so and so" etc. It's eating me alive (I do have an appt with a therapist to discuss this, but I also know things won't heal themselves immediately)

I realized the other day that while he has had many partners, the one thing that seemed to be lacking from these encounters was seduction. It all seemed to be sex for sex sake. He said the ex wife was drunk during most of their encounters and he only had sex with her for the physical release. I on the other hand am more about the art of seduction to build the mood. So I suggested that maybe he go and buy me something "cute" to wear for him. He of course liked this idea and had something waiting for when I got home from work, but when I saw it for some reason I got upset - it was a pretty little baby doll with see through panties and for some reason the see through panties made me think he wanted me to look like a porn star (I know, irrational thoughts, but that's what my mind screamed at me). I couldn't keep my mouth shut and ended up hurting his feelings for his purchase. I said things like "I bet you bought that whore of an ex wife of yours stuff like this" I finally came to him about an hour later and apologized and said that I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I've got all these weird hang ups about sex right now and I don't know what the hell to do.

I can't seem to make love to him without these thoughts running through my head and I ruin the experience for myself. I don't know HOW to shut my mind up, and God help me I don't want to just lay there and not enjoy sex with my husband just so he can get off. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can work my way through this before I ruin my marriage completely?

Hi, stacey! Do you think that maybe the fact that he was just after sex with his ex wife and other women somehow triggers you about your rape and your abusive ex partners, because they were just after sex too, more or less? I hope I'm not making you feel bad and I guess I might be wrong. Maybe if you deal with it in therapy, things will slowly get better.
In the mean time, how about cuddling with your husband and trying to see if you feel safe and not objectified when he touches you that way?

Oh I'm pretty sure that's what triggered things. That fact that basically all he did was have sex with these people for the sake of having sex put me in a bad way, even though he claims that I'm the one who taught him how to make love. He has actually thanked me for that long before his confession of his true past came up.

I did start to see a therapist and he suggested some medication to help me keep the obsessive thoughts at bay while we work through the issues. I know it's not an immediate cure all, but at least it will help me better be able to deal with things and not be so on edge about it.

And no I don't feel objectified when he is cuddling me on the couch and I do feel safe, so I know it's just my mind running out of control right now. He actually asked the other night if I wanted him to just hold me while we were watching tv, and I said yes and just laid on his chest crying for a while... and it felt good.

Oh, I'm glad you're dealing with this stuff! You are very brave and things do get better. You feel more triggered and get flashbacks for a while but then you become stronger and eventually you have more control over everything. You could post in the sexual abuse forum too if you like.