Couldn't get it up. So humiliated..

Hey guys,

I hope you don't mind if I vent a little but I still can't get over what happened to me. So over the weekend I was at a bar with some friends and I met literally the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She was really attractive, we got a long REALLY well and had such amazing chemistry. We hung out the whole night, danced, and had a great time. Please don't judge but I am not really into one night stands but I was really attracted to her..she takes me into her hotel room and we start making out and long story short...I couldn't really get it up.

Well I kind of managed to get a weak hard on but we started having sex for about a minute or two and then I went soft. It was just so embarrassing because I was SO attracted to her and she literally was the girl of my dreams. It was even worse because I felt like she was really offended that I couldn't get it up and keep an erection and we went our separate ways. We still hung out that night but it just kind of put a damper on everything. We exchanged numbers and exchanged a few texts but it is safe to say it has sizzled out..

So I know that you might think she is a slut and that she is probably only into one night stands blah blah but three days later I still can't stop thinking about it. It is just so humiliating and embarrassing. This girl was LITERALLY the girl of my dreams and it is that much worse out of all the times to not be able to get an erection.

I have had periodic erection problems through out my life because of my anxiety. When I started taking Celexa it was a blessing in disguise because I was able to maintain and achieve erections for the first time! I thought I was cured after being in a few relationships but it just happened again even on the medication.

That night I was INCREDIBLY drunk..(bad I know) so I believe that could be part of it..but even before I've been able to get hard erections while drunk..OUT of all the times!!!! GRRRR!! I never want to have sex again! I just am so humiliated and embarrassed.

Hi Mr.Anxiety,

I'm sorry about your bad experience with that girl.
Alcohol can make it much more difficult to maintain an erection. Being anxious with a new partner (who you probably wanted to impress) would have only made it more difficult again.

You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't need to feel humiliated. I suspect a lot of men would have reacted similarly in the same situation. If that girl treated you like you should be embarrassed, then shame on her!

The difficulty with one-night stands is that they are usually about the sex, and not about the person you're having sex with. Because the focus is sex, and not on any emotional attachment, there is more pressure on sexual performance. Whereas if you were in a relationship with a girl you had feelings for (and whom had feelings for you), it wouldn't matter so much if sex wasn't amazing the first time. You could relax more because you would know that she wanted to be with you as a person, not just you as a body with an erection.

Mr.Anxiety wrote:This girl was LITERALLY the girl of my dreams and it is that much worse out of all the times to not be able to get an erection.

If she really was the girl of your dreams, why didn't you enjoy the sexual experience with her? Why did you leave feeling humiliated? I don't know what you dream about, but I would want a sexual partner to be supportive and laugh with me if my body didn't react the way I wanted it to. I would like them to have a flexible attitude so that we could find a way to enjoy ourselves regardless. Any partner who criticised my sexual performance when I was drunk or anxious is no dream of mine!

Mr.Anxiety wrote:but even before I've been able to get hard erections while drunk.

Remember that you're only human. You are not a sex robot. Even professional athletes have 'off' days. Some days your body just won't work as well as other days. You could be tired, run-down, stressed etc. Don't beat yourself up over it!

I really don't have anything intelligent to offer here on this topic. Other than I have been dealing with this most of my adult life. I am in my early 40's. Nothing to be humiliated about at all. SO many men deal with this, they just don't talk about it. For me, it is in my lack of social emotion, but as well in my head, it is the anxiety for me. I have started a relationship with a girl, and was hit with that issue. Only to have it slowly clear up after a month or so. I guess the more comfortable I get with that person.

Hang in dude, just a minor bump in the road.

The worst pain imaginable is imagine someone that you so attracted to her that she doesn't want to see you anymore. I, personally, would rather have a punch on my face than go through this type of pain. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to you and just about anyone else who has ever been fortunate enough to fall in love.

What you need to do is to enact a plan to get her back. The first advice is don’t date out of desperation. Never date just because you are desperate of getting her back.

The second advice is enjoy dating not just for sex.
When you are enjoying your sexual interactions, it can affect your decision making, which can cause negative results. Therefore, it is always suggested not to sleep with someone on the first few dates. By doing that, you can focus more on getting to know the other person, which may include discovering common values.

I think you need to buy viagra *edited by mod*

Hey, I have just found my self in the same boat.
I feel like $#%^. Am I turning gay or something? I am only 38, and didn't think that was old enough for problems like this.....

ChooseOne mentioned causes for him being a lack of social emotions, being in his head, and anxiety.
That feels true of my situation.
Can anyone else comment on this?

I can lack social emotions sometimes, and I link this to social anxiety- just not feeling relaxed enough in social situations to be aware of my feelings. Also, I can be really 'heady'.

Anyway, last night, a 'Valentines' sleep over with a new date who I have seen twice before. Supposed to be hot and romantic, but I just found myself feeling awkward. I guess I was feeling a bit 'in my head' and anxious, especial when it seemed that I might not get it up. That just made it worse until I gave up on the whole (sex) thing altogther.

Is this going to be my life? I feel so humiliated. Should I tell her its over (if she doesn't tell me first)?
I feel like I can't face her ever again without utter humiliation.

Anyway, I really want to find out more about other peoples experiences.
Feeling like crap, but hoping to get some insight from others.
Cheers,
Foolishness108

*mod edit- spam removed*

"That night I was INCREDIBLY drunk..("

I think, this is the main point. But you do not inform us about your age and your usual performance in bed. So it is very difficult to diagnose that this fiasco is a bit early or just the avarage that can happen to any male.

It's really the worst day of my life'

I am asian. Met this white girl in a club in my country and she's really attracted to me.I started to think maybe she likes me. We made out numerous times in club that night(valentine's day). Her asian friend who brought her to the club was not happy because she spent most of her time with me on that night. I got ######6 drunk and asked her back to my apartment and the next thing is.. i couldn't get it up. At one point i told her to wait and i played some porn on my phone but i was still limp. This is not my first time experiencing this kind of embarrassment when i was drunk but i was not attracted to the previous girls that i've slept with so it was not a big deal for me. I really shouldn't have drank so much. Today when we woke up late in the morning , she said she have to go back to her friend's house and i just said bye and she took off. One week before i was able to have sex 3 times a day with girl without failure..

We were lying in my bed, making out heavily, getting undressed etc. Ready to have sex, only problem: my little friend didn't seem to be too excited. At first I didn't even get the slightest erection, later when we already gave up I could only get a semi-hard dick. I'm sure if she tried to give me a blowjob I might have gotten a full erection, not sure though. She didn't want to do it though. In order not to completely **** everything up, I wanted to go down on her. However, she previously told me that she doesn't like getting fingered and licked. She told me that I could do it but it wouldnt do anything for her, so we were just lying in bed and talked about it.

I told her that it wasn't because of her, I was just too afraid to **** it up because I liked her so much. She believed me, but showed some insecurity. In my opinion, she handled it quite well, told me that it's okay and suggested to try it another time. But here it comes, she said: "If it happens again, I know it's not me." That sentence cut right through me. Instead of looking forward to it, I'm even more scared now.
*mod edit*