Is it all in his head? - Erectile dysfunction

I'm in a serious relationship with a man who loves me and can't get enough of giving me orgasams. He says he loves my touch, loves how I pleasure him, although its hard for me to tell when I'm giving him 'oral' because he's often soft when doing so. He also loses his erection when he does penetrate and we 'get going' I'm extremely turned on by him. Now, he's told me that this is highly unusual, and I believe him. He thinks its because of how he feels about me - how much he loves me. This is a relatively new relationship. We live in different locations and so our time together has been rather intense and lovely, if only for this. I know he's insecure about the size of his penis, which I've told him, pleasures me. He also likes to see himself come - instead of coming inside me. The few times of success were when his 'brain' wasn't in the way. He's doesn't have any disease, so him not coming inside me doesn't have anything to do with that. He's fixed, and I'm on the pill - so its not a fear of getting me pregnant either.
Other than making me feel rather helpless, I feel like I'm not good enough, and I know that's in my head, and won't help the matter. How do I help him? and help myself not go crazy with desire for him, and also let this get to my ego in a bad way.

Hi SomethingofaTamale,

I wonder if he is so anxious about pleasing you that he is compromising his own enjoyment and ability to relax?

Is he able to relax when you give him pleasure, such as during oral sex? I don't know if this would help, but I'd ask him if he would like to wear a blindfold when you give him oral sex. Tell him that he is not allowed to do anything but relax and enjoy the physical sensations that you give him. Perhaps by taking away his sight and making it clear that he isn't expected to 'do' anything, it may remove some of his anxiety and let him focus more on his own physical pleasure.

I can understand why you may feel like you are not good enough. Try to remember that sometimes our bodies don't act in sync with our minds. So if your partner is having difficulty maintaining an erection, it doesn't mean that he is rejecting you. Try not to take it personally. If he sees that he is hurting you emotionally, it make make him feel more anxious and insecure.

When he told you that it was "highly unusual", was he meaning that he hasn't experienced this problem before? If so, maybe it is worth asking him if his sexual performance has been criticised before. Has he had any negative past experiences that might have caused him to believe that his penis is inadequate?

Hello Platypus,
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciated what you said, and yes I do believe that he is harbouring some kind of negative feedback from someone recent in his past. He's also stated that he believes he's on the small side, so he's gotten to be good at giving pleasure to women in other ways....which he's truly very good at. I find him and his penis completely sexy and...fills me up...to the point of orgasam. He sees that, and knows that...so why the insecurity, I still wonder.
I've tryed to open the door to discussing his past relationships, but he doesn't like to complain about his past experiences - not that he thinks of life in a 'rose tinted' way....he's just not a negative person. I will pursue this though with him, in his own time.
He hasn't experienced him being 'flaccid' before, or not being able to ejaculate. In fact shortly before meeting me he had a date with a woman who he didn't feel any connection with but ended up having a quickie with. No problem, but no emotional anything either.
I will definately try the blindfold, with no pressure to perform.
I know I have to not let it get to me....but its so difficult not to take it personally. You know?
Thank you.

While my wife and I have not resolved this issue, I can only offer my thoughts and hope that something rings true for you, so I offer this for you to consider, as I am in your boyfriends position;

My wife of over a decade, is to me, so sexy, so unbelievably desirable and delicious, that it is very often painful (blue balls) because I cannot have her, because of our schedules, for days, sometimes weeks at a time! Then, when the opportunity arises (oral or vaginal), my member often cannot! (pun intended)

For my wife, even though she is aware I am a sex addict (which presents many issues in this arena), it is devastating because she sees it as an indictment of her and her body, sexuality, appearance, or even worse, my desire for HER..........

For me, it's absolutely crushing! Sex addict or not, she is the ONLY one I want, PERIOD. She is so freaking sexy to me, I just want to be with and in her as much and as long as I can!

My problem is like your boyfriend. The spirit is willing, the flesh is on a damned vacation! I have sporadic and semi-flaccid erections, or my favorite, full attention during the preliminaries, and then a no-show for the main event.

For me, I believe the problem is both my wife's lack of understanding that, first, whatever the original causes were, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, (the more it happens, the more you freak out about it happening again, the more it happens again, and then it is self-sustaining and your sex-life becomes a train wreck!) and secondly, that being critical of my performance (relating it to some aspect of my addiction) only exacerbates the first reason.

The suggestion that you NOT make it into a negative is so absolutely correct, it's not even funny! The male ego connection to his penis is enormous! I can personally think of nothing that would rip me apart more quickly as a man, than my wife telling me I was inadequate sexually. Silly as it may sound, positive reinforcement is also, I think, part of the key. It may come across as your trying to stroke his ego (ha! I kill me!), but whether we men like to admit it or not, that sometimes is exactly what we need. I've no issues with my size or proportion, yet I constantly am worried about whether or not I have pleased my wife, even though she has never indicated otherwise.

Ya gotta find a way to NOT focus on it, yet, at the same time bring it to the forefront of events. Like I said, it's a self-fulfilling and hideously self-sustaining problem. Do not let sex develop into a tension-filled ordeal. If you can't laugh and be at ease, then, in my humble opinion, you're doing something wrong.

I hope this allays and helps to some degree.

I would suggest seeing a doctor and possibly using viagra before doing anything else. Perhaps after a time of having a perfectly functional sex life on the little pill, he may be able to function without it.

*Edited*

SomethingofaTamale wrote:I'm in a serious relationship with a man who loves me and can't get enough of giving me orgasams. He says he loves my touch, loves how I pleasure him, although its hard for me to tell when I'm giving him 'oral' because he's often soft when doing so. He also loses his erection when he does penetrate and we 'get going' I'm extremely turned on by him. Now, he's told me that this is highly unusual, and I believe him. He thinks its because of how he feels about me - how much he loves me. This is a relatively new relationship. We live in different locations and so our time together has been rather intense and lovely, if only for this. I know he's insecure about the size of his penis, which I've told him, pleasures me. He also likes to see himself come - instead of coming inside me. The few times of success were when his 'brain' wasn't in the way. He's doesn't have any disease, so him not coming inside me doesn't have anything to do with that. He's fixed, and I'm on the pill - so its not a fear of getting me pregnant either.
Other than making me feel rather helpless, I feel like I'm not good enough, and I know that's in my head, and won't help the matter. How do I help him? and help myself not go crazy with desire for him, and also let this get to my ego in a bad way.

It's possible that the problem is all psychological, all physical or both. lol Because an erection involves blood flow to Mr. Happy, Undiagnosed circulatory problems like high blood pressure or diabetes can have a direct impact on one's ability to perform.

There's a good chance though that it IS a psychological hurdle. If he has strong feelings for you, he may be intimidated by the vulnerability that comes with love.. (especially if he's had a serious heartbreak in the past.) That could ALSO amplify his insecurity about size. Most guys get edgy on that topic but when someone's important to us, being able to satisfy them becomes more important as well.... That kinda doubles our dubious faith in "size doesn't matter."

The anxiety problem creates dysfunction because our physical response to the mood is... ? lol elevated blood pressure and muscular tension. Muscular tension makes it difficult for a certain valve to loosen and permit blood flow to the big guy.

Hopefully the info steers ya in the right direction, but there's another point that's important for ya to address... Because he's had a problem in performance, there's a good chance that he'll get a case of "performance anxiety". The thought process at play is: "What if I can't perform next time? What's wrong with me?... That was so embarassing.. what if it happens again?.. That'll be even more humiliating... Crap, I'm gonna have a lot of pressure to perform next time.. what if I can't?"

Ya see the circular thought process? It can become a self fullfilling prophesy.

I'm afraid I'm the man in this story! Well, not the exact guy, but have the same symptoms. Let me clarify: I'm married to a bipolar 1 lady and have trouble with the uhh...you know for the past three years. But I have to add that her condition hasn't had anything to do with it, I think.

I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for four years now. Before my rehab, sex was no problem at all. Oh, I'm 51 now so up until age 47, I was bordering on a sex addict. Had no problems. I used to love the feeling in the morning especially, after a night of drinking, to wake up still a little buzzed and have sex. No problems.

Then I went to a two-week detox program. Fine, I got out and they had me on meds to control the alcohol cravings. The meds lasted two years. The doc also told me these meds would lower my sex drive. I had no choice but to take them. Well the meds worked exactly as advertised. They got me off the alcohol, and sadly, off the sex too! For two years on the meds, sex was almost nil. My wife was very patient, and understanding.

Then I stopped taking the meds, and the sex drive never came back! I know I can still get it up, especially when watching erotic movies, and if the wife's not around I'll sometimes masturbate. But with her, like your guy, it doesn't stay up long, and dies out quickly after penetration. It's quite frustrating. So it's psychological, I think. I had never had sex sober in my entire life! Even at the age of 17 when I lost my cherry, I had had a little MaryJane to smoke. (That was the 70's

So it could be a very basic pavlov's dog situation! Without that stimulus, it doesn't happen. Plus the wife doesn't like viagra. She says, 'it doesn't feel like you, and I don't feel the passion'. Argh...so frustrating.

So did your guy or does your guy have any substance issues?