cannot bear sex..

hi everyone. im 21 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. we still havent had sex.

im very insecure about the way i look, in fact i hate it and it plays on my mind for the majority of the day. it shocks me how people can get naked for others with every imperfection on show. i can't even let my boyfriend see me in a low cut top, i'm literally terrified of showing him anything. at the moment he thinks im attractive, and although i have no idea how he does as imy face is horrible, im scared if he sees the rest of me hell run a mile.

this was the same situation with my last boyfriend, i told him it couldnt happen but he insisted and was quite overpowering with the whole situation.

I now cannot even bear the thought of embarking on another sexual relationship again and don't think anything will ever change my mind. I never want to be naked, nor laughed at again for my lack of experience. To me, sex is just a painful emotional experience that leaves me feeling paranoid, ugly and useless.

has anybody else ever experienced anything like this?

Welcome Louise16,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Is there a reason you feel so badly about the way you look? Maybe your self-esteem is low? Or you were bullied about your appearance in the past? I hope nobody ever laughed at your for your lack of experience.

I also hope your last boyfriend didn't force you to do anything you didn't want to do. Remember that you are allowed to say "No" and only do what you feel comfortable with.

I used to be ashamed of my body. My family are all obsessive dieters and 'weighers' (using scales daily etc.) I grew-up thinking I was fat and ugly. When I was your age I started questioning if that was how I wanted to live the rest of my life. Then I had a really positive experience that changed my outlook.

A famous photographer came to my city and wanted to take pictures of a scene of naked people in urban settings. I thought it would be good for me to go along; so I did. And it was great because I realised that pretty much everyone is nervous about being judged when they're naked, and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. It was a very liberating experience.

You don't have to do anything so bold, but I think you should try to get comfortable with your body. Don't worry about what you look like. Start exploring what nudity feels like. Maybe when you are home alone try wearing fewer clothes. Perhaps no underwear underneath your clothes; or maybe underwear only with no clothing on top. (Depending on how cold it is!)

Run your hands on your body in the shower or bath. Imagine what your body might feel like to your boyfriend if he was touching you. Think about what parts of he might find particularly sexy or wonderful to touch.

Try not to always think of yourself as a reflection in a mirror or in your boyfriend's eyes. You are so much more than a 2D picture!

It is very sad that you feel this way about yourself and i am sorry if people were mean to you about your physical appearance. people can be cruel and not even notice. what i think your missing is the idea that people make fun of others and put others down to make themselves feel better. basically they said you were ugly because they felt ugly or they were hurting. its not excuse to treat someone that way. but perhaps if you understand why they did it in the first place you can let go of some of those harsh feelings.

i have had self esteem issues for years. it put me in a terrible relationship that literally almost killed me. but in recent times i have found some ways to accept and love my imperfections. not gonna lie it doesn't work all the time. but anchoring myself to the reality of my body helps me to gain the ability to love my body and feel sexy in the dresses i wear. my step dad was the worst with making me feel bad. he called me a whore for no reason and embarrassed me in front of friends and family about what i wore. later i realized he was just a drunk bastard that couldn't deal with the fact that he found me attractive on a sexual level. if he didn't have to see my body he could function. the only way he could make it so he didn't have to see my body was making me feel like a whore if i showed any part of it. basically what i am trying to say is don't let anyone else dictate how you feel about your body.

I read this book called "uglies" by scott westerfield. he wrote a science fiction series about a society that is obsessed with perfection. granted it is in the teen fiction section of the bookstore but it really vividly describes our society's obsession with beauty. and i think would be an excellent resource for you to understand the extreme views your portraying.

look at the mona lisa for example.... one of the most famous paintings in the world causes so much feeling and Da Vinci himself said it was his most priceless work. and if you look at her she really isn't that attractive of a woman. Marlyn Monroe was a sexual icon and she was a size 10. her beauty was in her self esteem and personality that made people worship her. my point with this is there is soooo much beauty in imperfections it is the very reason why beauty is appreciated. i believe it was Gucci or another high end designer that had a model on the cover of Vogue and she didn't have eyebrows. high end designers where their handbags cost 700$, and that's cheep, has a woman to advertise for them who has no eyebrows on the cover of vogue. they do it because it is beautiful.

when you said "I now cannot even bear the thought of embarking on another sexual relationship again and don't think anything will ever change my mind. I never want to be naked, nor laughed at again for my lack of experience. To me, sex is just a painful emotional experience that leaves me feeling paranoid, ugly and useless."

honestly that breaks my heart that you have been pushed to think of sex that way. two consensual adults having sex for any reason is a beautiful thing. you are reaching out to touch someone and they are reaching out to touch you. sex can comfort you in its proper usage. its not just about the pleasure the most powerful part of sex is the beauty that your mind can create. the emotional connection you can make with someone else. he is touching you as reassurance that you aren't disgusting. (again as long as there is consent) hands down the most powerful sexual organ you have is your brain. and you are forcing your brain to hate its vessel. your mind and body is a reflection of your soul and you are convincing yourself that your soul is ugly. that is such a sad thought and needs to be stopped.

i agree that you should take steps to learn to accept and love yourself. if you are not ready for physical sexual contact with someone else then you should never let anyone try to pressure you into something that your not ready for. but please find a way to realize that the imperfections you think you have are the foundation of what makes you beautiful. and don't judge something you don't understand. if you don't understand your body or why it looks the way it does don't judge it until you understand its function. same goes with sex. try to reprogram yourself to understand the true function of sex before you dismiss it.