How to trust again...

I just lost the love of my life to cancer. He and I had probably one of the most difficult sexual relationships that I have ever had, and now that he is dead, the difficulties for me, I think have always been there. I grew up with parents who both cheated on one another, and who used their sexuality as a power-play. When I look back to my 20's, 30's and 40's - in each of these decades was a man who cheated on me. This included my one marriage. I think after that was over, I wanted to just be "OK" with someone cheating on me, and told the love of my life "If you cheat on me, I better never find out." I suppose this was my way of saying "I know you are going to cheat on me, I don't want to know." When I did find out (and his addiction to on-line chat rooms, porn sites, and pretending to be someone else had unfortunately escalated into an actual physical encounter, I kicked the door so hard I broke my toe. I raged on and on, and reminded myself of my mother. I in actuality do not know how to attract someone who will be faithful, or who can be faithful. I want to air all of these things out. Because , after my ex husband cheated on me, I gave myself license to do the same thing to him. Granted, I did not pick someone who called him (as She had called me) and repeated the same behavior when my now dead soul mate did the same thing. No one is an angel, but how do two people in modern life today, actually live healthily regarding sex, when there is so much that points to the fact that we are not healthy about sex? How does a woman begin to trust again? What would be the steps to heal?

Hi, gianyc79! I'm so sorry about your loss!
It sounds like your parents' and partners' behavior had a big effect on you. Maybe you could use some therapy, to help you deal with the emotional issues. Also, the grief caused by losing this man might be interfering with how you see things now. Be patient with yourself and deal with things one step at a time. It is possible to feel better and trust again, I'm sure.