am i sick?

Ok, so basically i am a 19 yr old girl. I was raised really well, never was sexually abused Thank Gd. I am a heterosexual female. I had a very lovely boyfriend whom ive been going out with for over a year. I love him very much, the sex is amazing and i am very attracted to him. I dont have any weird social problems or isolation or anything. I do have VERY severe OCD though. so basically ive been having alot of stress lately because since i can remember ive always loved penis. this may sound weird, i know. well basically it turns me on if i see a young boy touching himself. ( i dont usually see this, i mean like in the street if it catches my eye) i get turned on by guys my age touching themselves too, and my boyfriend ofcourse. i never used to think about it at all, never had any fantasies about having sex with prebuscent boys or touching them. just the thought of them touching themselves turn me on a little bit. but i never really used to think about it, but when it would happen to catch my eye, i would get a little turned on. ive been thinking lately if i am sick or a pedophile and its driving me crazy. ive been having obsessive thoughts about it, like if i see a young boy in a street i think to myself " am i turned on?, am i a pedophile"? im not turned on by just a young boy walking in the street. but the thought of me thinking i have this disorder scares me so much. im not inlove with young children and never want to have a relationship w them, i have a compltely healthy relationship with my boyfriend. Am i pedophile? or am i just making myself crazy? are people intitled to have weird thoughts? please help me

Hi gotmilk,

Welcome to the forums.

I don't think that you're sick. I think that what you have is a remnant of childhood curiosity combined with adult admiration, kind of like "how does that thing really work?" You mentioned that you have obsessive thoughts--so it's likely that the more you try to push it away, the more it pushes back and wants to stay in your head.

I am a bisexual female, and I think that the penis is a work of Nature's art. I also think that if you turned the attention more to your boyfriend's genitals, it would reinforce the grown-up version of the curiosity and admiration. I think that curiosity and exploration can be a healthy thing in a relationship, and your boyfriend might appreciate the extra attention.

I think that if the thought persists, or if you have other intrusive thoughts, it probably wouldn't hurt to seek help for them. Most therapists are smart enough to distinguish an obsessive thought from a sexual attraction disorder.

Just to ease your mind, I'm going to share an embarrassing story with you. It plagued me for years, and I discussed it with at least 2 therapists and several trusted people. Needless to say, I empathize with you when you say you have obsessive thoughts. (MATURE CONTENT FOLLOWS.)

One night, about 10 PM (dark), I saw what I thought was a bridal party leaving a place that served alcohol. So I made some off-hand (and lewd) comment about one of the "women". As my friend and I drove closer, I realized that the girls were like 8 years old!!! Bad lighting turned into approximately $500 in therapy expenses!

But at least I KNOW I'm not a pedophile. For example, I actually get turned off by full bikini waxes, both on men and women. Something in my "cavegirl brain" says, "Nuh-uh. That's not an adult." To me, things like that are a sign that I'm wired correctly in that department. I'm sure that you, too, have you own, rational signs that your sexual behavior and thought patterns are normal.

I apologize for the rather graphic explanation, but I hope that it will set your mind at ease. As far as I can tell, you're fine.

--Frayed

Gotmilk,
I don't think you are a pedophile unless you do something with a child, or look at kiddie porn. That would clearly be wrong, morally and legally. But, having a thought, or even a fascination is fine, as long as you can adjust it to a consenting adult. Just like a guy wanting his female partner to dress up in a school-girl uniform, nothing wrong with that.
Just enjoy sex with your boyfriend, and explore anything legal that turns you on.
talonboy