Only I Can Make Me Orgasm

I am an androgynous gendered 20-yr old lesbian in a 2.5 year monogamous relationship. My fiance/girlfriend and I have one of those one-in-a-lifetime relationships-- we both love each other so much and neither of us ever want to be with anyone else. However, the girl I dated before her was verbally, physically, and sexually abusive. My current girl, who I will call Paige, has always been extremely patient about dealing with the problems my first girlfriend left me with and I feel like in the last couple of years I have almost completely healed from those experiences (primarily due to the support of Paige).

One of the problems we came across from the very beginning is that she could not make me orgasm. I can accomplish this whenever I want, sometimes within minutes, but unless I help her, she cannot make me orgasm on her own. She is fantastic in bed and definitely turns me on so I think the problem is with me. I've never slept with anyone else, but I am fairly certain that I would have the same problem no matter who I was sleeping with. I think the two things that are probably inhibiting me are 1. because of this history of not cuming I pressure myself a lot to do it because while I know she won't be disappointed in me if I don't cum, I know she will be really excited if I do come and 2. I think the abuse I've dealt with from my first girlfriend may lower my confidence.

Has anyone else experienced similar situations? How do you deal with these problems? How do you help your partner deal with them or how do you explain it to them? Have you found a way to overcome this even if the reasoning behind it is not the same?

Hi,

My situation is a little different, but mirrors yours somewhat. I am male but was never able to 'cum' in the presence of any girlfriend I've had. I don't know what it is exactly, but i know that I'm a naturaly nervous/anxious person, and maybe this has something to do with it. Unfortunately, the longest relationship I've ever had was 9 months, but I'm confident that if I had longer time with someone then I'd be able to do it.

I remember on each occasion - when trying to 'cum'- having a feeling of nervousness, heightened-awareness, etc. It distracted me. Plus, I just didn't feel comfortable, but I know that it takes me a long time to become comfortable in a particular situation. Does any of this sound familiar?

Obvioudly, you should talk candidly to your partner about this. I'm sure she's patient and can wait for you. Maybe you're like me in that it takes a long time to become comfortable? How long is 'long' is another question though...

Kevin

Wow, I'm actually very much the same way. I am extremely comfortable around my gf but just overall I'm very self-conscious and I do get nervous when she is pleasuring me. I guess it makes me anxious to be in the center of attention. My girl has always been really patient about it, though. There are other things complicating this situation, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. ^^ I have cum for her three times without me helping her,the first after 9 months exactly.

And yeah, we talk about everything very openly, so that is not an issue. It's partly because there isn't any secrecy or intimidation between us that makes me frustrated that I get nervous like that and can't cum. There really isn't anything to be nervous about. Anyways, thank you and I hope you are able to find someone who is very patient with you as well. ^^

Hello MarriedWithPlants,
I suffer (suffered) from retarded ejaculation and a few years ago I stumbled upon this forum. There was (is) a huge thread on this subject here. In the past few years I learned from the forum and experimented a lot and I don't consider myself to have this problem anymore. I've decided recently that I'd like to start answering questions and helping others who have the same issues I have.

In your case, because you are a female and I am male, our situations are different. However, let me throw a few ideas out there for you and let's see if it's helpful.
#1 You can orgasm alone but not with her. This may sound counterintuitive, but maybe having another person around is actually a distraction instead of a turn-on. If I watch porn, I can orgasm very quickly and at anytime I want. If another person was sitting next to me while I watch porn, I bet it wouldn't be as easy. Even if the person sitting next to me was the hottest girl in the world, it would be harder. I don't think I would have a problem now if it was a really attractive girl next to me, because I would just stop looking at the porn and start looking at all the features of the girl that turn me on. I know myself well enough to know the specifics of exactly what I like which is a part of how I helped myself with this problem.

#2 You pressure yourself to come. Simply put, that's just not going to work. Having an orgasm is analogous to falling asleep in many ways. This kind of thinking helped me understand it because the things that you would or wouldn't do to make yourself fall asleep has a lot of similarities. Orgasms and falling a sleep are both somewhat involuntary actions. You can't force it.
So, imagine that you put pressure on yourself to fall asleep... would that be a good way to fall asleep every night? I bet it would take significantly longer.
I'm inherently an anxious and self-conscious person and I find it noticeably more difficult to fall asleep wit another person sharing the same room or same bed. It makes sense. I think about not moving around too much, or making noise, etc... All this prevents me from falling asleep easily. If you're like me, having an orgasm with a partner around causes a distraction. It's very subtle but, I bet you are much more focused when you are alone trying to make yourself cum. You're more relaxed, you are paying more attention to what feels good, and how you need or want to be touched, you are thinking about more sexually exciting thoughts that are really turning you on, etc... With someone else there, you are now thinking about how she feels and what she is thinking. Also, if she's doing something you like, you might be moving towards orgasm, but it gets spoiled because she stops touching you the way you want or even worse, you start thinking about how much longer before she stops. All this is very distracting.

Anyway, there's much more I could talk about. If this is helpful to you or anyone else, feel free to ask specific questions. I've read so many posts here about so many people with this problem, and I really want to share and help.

Sincerely,

Openminded.

That was indeed an informative post, openminded. In my own case, however, I don't envisage that anything will improve for me without getting more experience. Maybe that is all we need here - i.e. more experience and practice. Then again, I WAS with my ex's for 9 months each and still couldn't do it.

I differ from you in one area though: I easily go to sleep when in the same bed as a girl. In fact, I much prefer it. It is funny though because the very first time I slept in the same bed as a girl was after a huge argument with her. So we slept as far apart in it as possible (and it was in her cousin's house in Dublin).

marriedwithplants, what are the other instances in your life that you're nervous in? It can't just be the stuff we're talking about here, right?

Chucky,
Thanks for your reply. In your case, I think 9 months is a long time and I understand how it feels to work on it and not see much improvement. For me, I tried a bunch of different things. Different positions, different fantasies. I dated a girl once who liked to just lie there and enjoy it, and I discovered that it helped me because I knew she was going to stay fairly still with her eyes closed the whole time. It turned out to be quite a turn on because she was happy doing what she was doing and I could concentrate. Another thing I discovered for myself is that I liked it a lot having the lights on. For me, a girl's shape is very exciting. Especially the breasts and the waist. I like to see curves, and it really pushes me over the top.
Another thing you could try is different speeds. Sex is not like how it is in movies or porn. You don't just keep thrusting away, faster and faster until you ultimately climax. Do whatever feels good. Go slower, go deeper, side to side, etc... Chances are, if you are getting pleasurable sensations then your partner is too.
Another thing... if you can, speak openly about this topic. Tell your partner that it's not easy for you to orgasm, and it might not happen this time. But also tell her how much you enjoy sex, and it's not a big deal if you don't cum this time, or next time. It takes a lot of the pressure off both of you. Sex is not all about the orgasm. Remember and let your partner know too - Life is a journey not a destination.
Turn it into a positive... how many girls complain that sex is over quickly? Well, people with this problem can go for pretty much as long as they want. The huge upside is that, once you figure it out, you have a lot more control than the regular guy. I can go for an hour to 90 minutes with my current partner and orgasm at the end. She's totally satisfied beyond what she's ever experienced before.
I do have problems though... sometimes if it goes too long, I lose the feeling and just have to stop. Also condoms are still quite difficult.

So, my advice is to experiment, and don't be afraid to try different things. And when you mention it to your partner, just be casual about it. Just say casually, "Oh, by the way, I like sex a lot but it takes a lot more work for me to cum, so it might not happen this time. If it doesn't and we get tired, we can just stop. No problem."


As for sleeping with a girl in the same bed, I'm over that as well. I easily fall asleep with a girl nowadays. I'm a lot less anxious or self conscious. For me that came with experience and positive reinforcement. I slept with a girl in the same bed many times and gradually I got used to it, and ultimately enjoying it.

hope this helps.

OpenMinded.

I appreciate both your comments and advice. ^^ I think the falling alseep analogy is very accurate, actually. It took me several months to get used to sleeping with another person every night. But usually, I was so happy to have someone who I loved next to me, I would just watch her breath until it relaxed me enough to fall alseep. It was never a stressful thing when I couldn't fall asleep right way. I will definitely try to think about sex in a similar way and maybe it will help me relax more. About your "#1" (openminded) -- I think that USED to be accurate for me. I used to get so worried that she wasn't enjoying herself or she was uncomfortable or something was wrong while she was pleasuring me, but I've realized she enjoys doing these things when I enjoy them. So the distracting part is not really an issue anymore.

Your #2 is pretty dead on, though. One thing that I haven't mentioned previously (and this relates to what else I get nervous about, which Chucky asked) is that my gf has sex with me extremely infrequently. I have a really high libido and for the first three months of our relationship, she did too. We have dealt with a lot of really difficult things in our relationship, especially during the 4-8 months so I have no idea what it is that changed in her mind (there are too many possibilities). Sex for me is almost like an intense hug-- it's just a way of being really close to someone and making them feel good. So it has been really, really hard for me. And with time, it has definitely gotten much easier to deal with. However, the consequences of it have been kind of unexpected. I love this girl soooo much that I want to be with her forever, even if we never had sex again. I've told her this since the very beginning. Anyways, the main consequence that relates here is that I prepare myself not to have sex and then once every 3-4months when she wants to I get really confused. Because I have no idea what made her decide why she wanted to, and then all I can think about is how long it's going to be until it happens again.

The main thing I've learned as that she responds to stress by not having sex. So I never pressure her to have sex. I feel like if she does not want to, I should never make her or pressure her into it, partly because I realize this will just translate into stress in her mind and it will never happen.

As I said, we do have a very communicative relationship and periodically I have checked in with her, asked her if she knows what changed, why she decides to at a given point, etc. She doesn't know what changed after 3 months. So the end result is that when we DO have sex, I feel like I have to do everything I can to squeeze it in so that I can hold out another few months and simultaneously make her feel as good as possible so that maybe she will want to do it again sooner than the last time. And that leads to square one where I'm putting way too much pressure on myself.

So, while that is definitely contributing, the problem is not orgasming for is a separate issue, I believe, because I've had it since we first met, before all of that began.

Chucky, to better answer what makes me nervous in life-- not much. I am a very laid back person typically and in day to day life, I'm really happy. I am slightly OCD, but not enough to negatively impact my life and since I've grown up with it I know how to manage it without stressing myself out about it. The only things that upset me are stressful moments in my relationship with my gf and not having sex/not cuming, I suppose.

Thank you both again, for taking time out. ^^

Oh, and since these boards are usually filled with sad things, I thought I might share a funny moment I had today with you. I am female, but I look very androgynous. Most people think I am a male but about 10yrs younger than my real age. Today I was volunteering to help a family with some house repair when their 4 year old son came to me and asked, "Why do you look like a girl?" I stared at him for a minute and then he continued, "Well, you are a boy right? So are you just playing pretend as a girl?" Hahah, it was so funny and cute. I told him I was not playing pretend and that some boys look like girls and some girls look like boys, that this is just the way some people are. He seemed satisfied with that answer and we continued painting together. I love how open-minded and accepting children are.

Yes, sorry for not replying sooner, OpenMinded. I read your post a few days ago and it was informative and got me thinking about things. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

marriedwithplants, I have met all sorts of people on this website over the years as you might imagine, and you're the 5th person who has claimed to be androgynous. I'm still speaking to one such person from Australia: a 'boy' who is now in the process of becoming a girl. I helped 'him' to come clean with his parents about his true feelings about being a girl and from there on 'he' has been taking hormones and has been dressing and acting like a girl. 'His' parents accept 'him' with open arms. I feel very happy when I hear from 'him', because it's a great tale that I'll never forget.

It's good that you saw the funny side to what that kid said. I can't stand kids... ...!

Kevin

@openminded: I have one problem with your suggestion to tell her i might not come but i nevertheless would enjoy Sex anyways.Thats simply not true.I dont feel anything.Its not just the Orgasm not happening for me its like "ok, we have been doing it for an hour, so did anything happen?" I just dont feel any physical pleasure.It looks nice, it smells nice it might taste nice, its good to see that she enjoys it but thats it from my perspective.So i would have to effectivly lie to her about that.

I know it sounds strange but maybe at least HERE somebody can relate to what i mean.Its not that i dont care about my partner but unfortunately there simply isnt anything in it for me.I still hope i might make some progress with this fleshlight experiment of mine but it seems that i am stuck there as well.Still need to thrust that thing like crazy and use my wildest fantasies to finally get to come and the "journey" to that point is more like an arduous battle than enjoyable.

Morti out

Hello Morti,
I understand that every situation is different, and I totally understand how you can totally not feel anything while having sex. I've been there before and you are right... a lot of people with RE can relate first hand to that situation.

If you don't feel anything, I think the approach should be different. You should of course avoid lying to your partner saying that it feels good when it doesn't. And of course, you shouldn't feel guilty about this. Sex is physical and emotional. From your description I imagine that "doing it" for an hour where you don't feel anything, is not a good situation and will not bring about much improvement in your situation. Maybe you could find other activities that you enjoy. Oral sex, massages, deep kissing, just lying next to each other, etc... You could sprinkle a little bit of regular sex into and then stop and go back to the other stuff. You could let your partner know that the penetrative sex is for her and that you enjoy pleasuring her up to a point and that even though you don't feel as much, you are still willing to do it for her. I think most people would appreciate that, and it could bring your relationship with her closer, which in a roundabout way might indirectly help the RE problem.
My main point about the journey/destination metaphor is more directed towards the attitude about sex rather than retarded ejaculation. We can get frustrated by that fact that we can't cum, or we have no feeling when we have intercourse, and that's a tough situation. But I really think that it's healthier to enjoy sexual activities with your partner that both of you can enjoy, and if you don't orgasm, it doesn't ruin everything. If you were to continue having sex and feeling nothing, or just not enjoying yourself in general, your mind will learn to associate not so pleasurable feelings with sex, and that will make the RE worse I think. So, that's why I encourage you to find stuff that you and your partner like, because you're conditioning yourself to feel pleasure. Maybe enough of that kind of conditioning will lead you to an orgasm one day.

When I started to let go of the expectation that I was going to have an orgasm, ironically that's when I started making progress. I started to focus on what felt good for now, and that actually helped my body and my mind get in tune with what actually feels good and what I like and prefer. And that led to a lot of exploration and trying different things, which gave me the knowledge to figure out what it takes for me to orgasm. Both mentally and physically. I know a lot better now, what I like to look at, what I like to think about, and what I like to do. All this can add up to a much more pleasurable experience.

I remember one day I had just confessed to a new partner and said, "Hey, we're going to have sex and this might not end in an orgasm." She was very understanding and we enjoyed ourselves anyway. I was more relaxed and ultimately after a few months I did orgasm with her. After that, it didn't happen all the time, but it got easier and easier. I made a lot of progress. I don't think I would've gotten there had I been striving for an orgasm every time.

OpenMinded.