My case of retarded ejaculation. Any ideas to help me?

I'm 46 and I've almost always taken a long time to ejaculate, but not extremely so, even in my youth. I didn't really suffer retarded ejaculation until after my divorce from a 20 year marriage.

I've read the really long superthread about this and it has really helped. I think I'm a borderline case, probably situational. With some women more than others based on attraction intensity. I am a very sensitive person and worry about pleasing my partner more than myself. I don't think I have low self-esteem, but I should maybe take a test and see. I'm not addicted to porn but like it on occasion. I find my own fantasies more vivid.

So, some history. I was married for 20 years (from age 23 to 43) and during the marriage I did sometimes take a long time to orgasm vaginally but I almost always did, maybe 99% of the time. I think my wife was very understanding and never criticized me. So I felt relaxed. She also always turned me on even at the end of our marriage. One thing that helped was a lengthy period of oral/manual penile foreplay which brought me very close to the point of no return. Then I would finish vaginally in less than 5 minutes.

I suppose the only problem sexually in the marriage was my wife only wanted sex 2 times per week. I would have preferred 5 times, so I made up the deficit with masturbation, maybe 3 times a week. Sometimes but rarely with porn but I have a very vivid imagination and it's not necessary. I don't think it affected my ability to enjoy vaginal sex. I prefer sex to masturbation.

After the divorce, I slept with a lot of women. A lot of them were prostitues but I also had some shorter relationships too. Most of the time I used condom which I'd never done during my marriage. I found I would rarely come vaginally and usually required the women to give me a handjob to have an orgasm. I think I need a lot of sensation and I don't feel sufficient with a condom. So during vaginal sex, I started feeling I was taking too long and would give up after about 10 minutes of this and request and receive the hand. None of the prostitutes had a problem with this, but sometimes the girlfriends seemed disappointed. I suppose it became habitual. Only with a rare few partners would I ejaculate inside their vagina. Rarer few with a condom, but it did happen with a couple of them. I think I've developed a mental block about condoms now, regardless of the partner.

6-months after the divorce, I had an 8-month relationship and at first I was thrilled this woman liked me and loved sex with me. I stayed with her a long time and she was multi-orgasmic but I would have vaginal sex for up to 2 hours without orgasm, but she could easily bring me off with her hand. She was very patient and supportive and didn't complain but I felt this was way too long. Finally we came up with a method where she would masturbate me until very close to orgasm and I would finish off inside her vagina. This was very satisfying but less than ideal. We had this form of sex almost daily. She was understanding but I broke up with her because I felt I'm probably just not that excited by her physically. I am very turned on by big breasts and hers were very small. Ironically, after I broke up with her and a month went by, we had a final night of sex and I came inside her vagina within a "normal" amount of time.

So I moved on, tried some other lovers. Sometimes I just go with the ones who picked me, even if I wasn't attracted to them. In retrospect this is a mistake. I've often gone with women who were attracted to me but not so much vice-versa. But I didn't want to give up trying to find the elusive female who would excite me and not require the handjob for completion.

Finally, I met a girl who I picked based on physical attraction and she liked me too. She was 19 and we've been together 2.5 years now. Our sex was spectacular at first and I always orgasmed inside in the beginning. I still do occasionally but it's maybe only 20% of the time, often after periods of her being out of town. I am extremely turned on by her and I love her deeply. I get hard just hearing her voice on the phone sometimes. I love her body and her smell. However, after a while we got into a similar sexual routine of 5 to 10 minutes of vaginal sex and a handjob from her, and finishing off inside her vagina when I'm close enough. However, she's a different personality from some of my other long-term relationships. She sometimes gets angry at me for taking too long and hurting her. She doesn't need any foreplay, or maybe 15 seconds is enough for her, and she wants me inside her immediately. She proceeds to have 5 or 6 orgasms in quick succession and she's done. That's about 5 minutes of elapsed time. Our response times are completely different. Although I feel great and along the way to an orgasm, she will only tolerate maybe 5 more minutes of vaginal sex. So I feel like I'm under the gun at that point. That doesn't help one bit. So I can't usually finish in that time so she'll offer the manual/oral method to get me closer and then 90% of the time I'll finish in her vagina. She sometimes even has a final mutual orgasm which is great. Sometimes I'm not close enough and I get stressed by performance anxiety. But even then she will try again with the hand but at least I'm not hurting her. As long as the manual/oral doesn't take too long she's perfectly happy with this. If it takes too long I sense her mood taking a turn for the worse and I can't concentrate on my own pleasure.

Occasionally, she'll get angry at me but we seem to have reached a method that works. Ideally, I'd love to get the foreplay at the beginning and complete the sex vaginally.

One thing that helps sometimes is marijuana. I've tried it on occasion, maybe once a week at most. I like it because it removes all stress, I feel more sensations in my penis, and I don't worry about what she's thinking. Also, my fantasies are more vivid. Even then it takes a long time, maybe even longer but I don't care. So I can often go the whole way vaginally. Unless she calls a halt to it due to it hurting her. Then she'll provide the customary hand/mouth stimulation which works almost always.

So do I have RE? If so, what form? Any ideas that I haven't already used?

Hi,

To be honest, I think that you had it (RE), but you have learned how to cope with it now and should be fine for the future. Many many men have problems reaching 'climax' during sex, but many more women have the problem too.

Kevin

its all in the mind.. i think control over it would be able to help you cure your RE...

do you also experience depression regarding the ejaculation problems? I'm having troubles with it how about you?

any things more to share guys?

Yo Myke,

Sorry, I haven't noticed your previous post in July. This part of the website isnt' too active. Have you tried 'kegel' exercises for your RE?; or have you gone to the doctor to see if there is any medical issue at play?

no, its scared the hell out of me, im afraid i might get injured