BFs RE is starting to really affect me emotionally

I suppose am really posting on here becos its the only site i've found where as a partner I can find support. Im at the end of my tether. My BF of 2yrs has RE and its causing me so much upset. I've told him that it makes me feel inadequate that I cannot make him cum and he just says that hes always been like that and its nothing to do with me. I semi believe him but I seriously cant get it out of my head that if he really fancied me he would be able to cum. I have also got an issue with the fact that he wont look at me during sex and shuts his eyes. I have mentioned this on 2 different occasions and he says he isnt aware he is doing it and that I am over reacting. Am really worried that I dont feel emotionally close with him cos we never have what I would call 'proper sex!' He never gives me any eye contact and has to masturbate whilst watchin me masturbate.
I have told him I feel inadequate that I cant make him cum and he says he doesnt have a problem with it which again I semi believe.......... but I have a big problem with it.
I realise that if this rship is going to last im going to have to change the way I view this and I would be very appreciative of any help pls. I am worried as I dont know if I can last without sex and intimacy. Thanx xxx

Hi,

There might be very logical explanations for all of what is happening here. Firstly, man guys do suffer from RE and it can be caused by a few different things, such as:

- Nervousness
- Tiredness
- Depression
- Tight foreskin

So, what I'm thinking is that he's probably a bit nervous about it. When he closes his eyes, he is probably trying to concentrate on trying to orgasm. However, it could also be that he doesn't want to look at you because it makes him more nervous (and not that he thinks you are unnatractive).

Guys (being guys) are scared to talk about issues like this, but you should encourage him to talk about problems that he has in his life - in general - to you. The more open he becomes, the less nervous he may be during foreplay/intercourse.

Kevin
Kevin

Hey. It doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you. For some guys, ejaculating in a woman is a skill which needs to be learnt. The closed eyes are a symptom of anxiety, and probably him trying to relax.

I've started a blog outlining how I fixed my RE. I used a fleshlight, but if you're open minded your BF could follow the steps with you.

http://retardedejaculationtreatment.blogspot.com/

Look down the board a bit to find a thread just for partners.

I think the first problem is that he's not validating your feelings about sex not being intimate or satisfying. If he's never had what you'd call "proper" sex, he can't really understand that sex can be any different. Presumably you've been with someone else and you know the difference.

But it is often difficult for people (anyone, not just men) to admit that something is wrong and to validate your feelings, he has to admit something he's not ready to do yet.

Have you discussed what you think "proper" sex looks like with him? That's where I'd start if I were you so he can understand what it is that you expect from sex.

And then ask him if he'd be willing to work on those things with you. For instance, I don't believe for a second that he's not aware that he closes his eyes. He's thinking about something or someone during that time and he knows it. He's just afraid to talk about it. So ask yourself if you learned that he's fantasizing about something or someone else if it would bother you. If it wouldn't, assure him that you won't be upset with whatever he tells you is going on in his mind.

If it would bother you, perhaps you want to avoid this conversation at this point. Apparently whatever he's concentrating on doesn't help very much anyway so losing that bit of his technique won't harm much, but the conversation could harm a lot so it isn't worth having.

While I hate the "sensate focus" with a passion, this might be something for you to look into in order to get him to keep his eyes open and to learn to touch and be touched without anxiety. It isn't about reaching orgasm so much as it is about learning to feel and be felt.

It could be an uphill battle for a while to get him to deal with the fact that this is a very real problem for you and that he has to put some effort into solving the problem. I don't know how commited you are to the relationship. It is difficult for a guy who doesn't cum to understand how demoralizing this can be for a partner. Even if you can get over the issues about what he is or isn't attracted to, there's still a natural desire for him to cum inside of you.

Good luck.

I would highly recommend you send him this link and get him to read it, and read it yourself too so you have a better understanding of what's going on:

http://books.google.ca/books?id=jsUOAAA ... #PPA263,M1

There's a few missing pages, but there's enough information for you to get the gist.

It is possible to be cured. I used to have RE too, but after I read that and practised a few times I finally got over it.

Hi loopylou

i am afraid that with this small amount of information that you supplied us with we can't do anything.we can guess that he has some kind of trauma or he is gay in denial(taking in consider that you are woman) or woman trapped in male body maybe he is asexual or thinks that vagina is disgusting etc etc.

guy need to see professional
internet can't help you (unless you start to look for someone normal on dating sites...or better not ; P)

WonderfulDay wrote: For instance, I don't believe for a second that he's not aware that he closes his eyes. He's thinking about something or someone during that time and he knows it. He's just afraid to talk about it.

I know that this post is old but i must comment on it because i know exactly why he closes his eyes.I did it myself often enough.When I have sex with my girlfriend and she is looking in my eyes i have the feeling that she can see that i am just watching her enjoying herself while not feeling anything from the act myself.Basically its about being found out how little this whole act works for me and fearing that it would destroy her own pleasure in the process.
Why would anyone want to have sex then when its not working ? Because i am still horny for her, i still naturally want to penetrate her so because I cant go against my own needs i do it anyway ..

My 2 cents,
morti out