fleshlights for retarded ejaculation?

girlfriend so that stress, expectations, disappointment, and anger can go down so that I can keep moving forward and not feel it would be better to avoid that part of the relationship


Please tell me more about this and be as specific as you feel comfortable

Well... when we have good days my gf is very excited about my progress, though she'll take a moment to remind me that it would be better if I orgasmed too(as if I could forget...). I guess she's still hurt a bit even on my good days and she doesn't want me to think everything's great. We're at a point now where we 'try' to meet each other half way. I understand something important is still lacking and try to remind her that I'm still working at this. And she tries to see the positive and hold back the negative at least until another time. That is extremely important. Feelings are of course important to share. But if a gf is expressing really negative stuff, right at the time or immediately after being intimate, especially if the guy is trying to feel good about what 'did' go well, then it creates some pretty negative and stressful associations. Which of course makes everything more difficult. IFF criticism must be given, at least please wait on it a bit. If a guy lasted a while in his eyes and got close or even it at least felt good then it's not helpful always to be asked/reminded: why did you give up, why did you not cum, why did you loose your erection. Naturally this sort of thing is frustrating and sometimes that frustration will cut things short, unfortunately.

Like most problems, this has to be something that the guy himself wants to fix, at least partially for himself. He can't easily at all fix it for someone else. Once you're at the point where the guy DOES want to fix it for himself, then he needs an environment where he doesn't feel judged by the woman(or at least not overly so, since he is already under enough pressure from himself).

To really beat a dead horse: at least for me, as much as possible, an environment where external stresses/pressures are low and experimentation(within limits) is not judged, is the one that will fastest get a guy start enjoying sexual experiences w/ his partner and being(maybe even finding) himself, even if he doesn't orgasm. I think the fastest way to orgasm isn't to try to orgasm but rather to just do what you enjoy. Eventually the orgasm will take care of itself. This is my belief anyway.

Progress she can experience: more initiation on my part, more energy, erect more often, loosing erection less easily, more vocal on my part during intercourse. But I guess there's only so many times she can hear how close I think I am before it's actually frustrating. Progress only I can experience: slightly less fear, some bravery despite fear, more desire, more willingness to try despite 'negative' possibilities, less worrying before and during(important), better understanding of myself and what mental places I go when I am really getting close, etc.

As far as the mind wandering, it's not ADD, it's other factors. If you start to worry about 'failure', then that becomes a more prominent thought than even the woman right in front of you, and certainly more prominent than any pleasure you were starting to feel. If it's not working, you start to think that it's not working and start to give up and already play out aftermath scenarios. Also possibly just plain frustration sets in and your drive goes away. But if you can gently(very gently) let those thoughts go when the appear, and just get back into the moment(not thinking about the past or future), and just enjoy what's going on right now as much as you can then things may start to feel good again or at least better/ good enough. That's the beginning of something. Exercises for that include: mindfulness exercises/mediation, simulated practice(fleshlight or something else), and the real thing. It takes time though no matter what and practicing mindfulness(about anything and in any situation) takes work, but it is valuable. At least is has been to me. With time you catch yourself sooner, and can ease yourself back easier w/o completely loosing all the mental flow you had going.

At times I have used the fleshlight to avoid pressuring my relationship w/ more drama. But I came to realize that such avoidance led to delayed but worse drama. And wasn't necessarily doing me too much good either. I think working on your own is very positive and can give you a stress-free environment to figure out stuff that you might not under pressure. But I also think w/o the context of real sex or at least some intimacy at the same time, you will equally miss out on things and have trouble putting it all together. I don't think in general a fleshlight is necessary but in my case it's extremely helpful as it eliminates the possibility of my using too tight a grip(there's a hard plastic outer case you hold). It also affords me the ability to practice relaxing in a sexual position hands free if I mount it in something. Making the experience more like the real thing allows me to put a few pieces of the puzzle together faster I think.

I hope I've answered your questions.
Take care.

Thank you.

I know this is hard. I appreciate you sharing and toughing it out.

I have to stop coming here. Every time I do it is a step back in acceptance for me. I know I love my husband. But it still hurts. I no longer think to leave. But I do cry. I want something so simple that I cannot have and that I don't have the whatever to put my foot down to require he work toward. I gave up that fight. Now it just comes out in sadness.

I think if I saw a flashlight I'd throw it through the window. More jerking off. Probably not helpful, I know. Maybe splitting up would be better for him, that is, if he actually wanted to solve the problem. But shortbof removing his right hand, it won't happen. It is too difficult and I understand that. It has gone on for too many years.

I hope you persevere.

Thanks for your reallly reallly valuable input, greasegun !

I am now at the stage where i use the smooth sleeve only but without mounting the fleshlight and thrusting into it -> And you are right.It will be much harder to thrust into it because i can move it much faster with my hand (and still need relativly high speed to get there)

Maybe you can give me tips how to mount that thing? How did you do that? And how long did it take you till you got from thrusting it with your hand to thrusting INTO it (+reaching orgasm)

Morti out

Hey Morti,
Well, one thing I should mention is this website I came across:
http://retardedejaculationtreatment.blogspot.com/
It seems this guy went down a similar road and had success.

As for myself, in the end I did wind up dropping the money on:
http://www.fleshlight.com/performance/f ... a-mission/
I had originally fabricated something myself but the awkwardness of it wasn't really helping my concentration at all.

I forgot how long it took me till I first reached orgasm from thrusting, and then how long till it took me to reach orgasm from thrusting beginning to end. It's been a complicated road w/ me and my girlfriend, lots of stress. There's times I completely took a break to keep her happy, though in hindsight I don't think that she really knew what was best.

I do remember seeming to have better luck, following some of the link above's advice first: get right to the edge, then progressively get it to last longer and longer while just thrusting. It 'seems' like it has a few beneficial psychological aspects: 1. let's you quickly associate a thrusting motion w/ really good feelings; 2. proves to you what you already know, that you can indeed reach orgasm from thrusting; 3. shows/teaches/reminds you what it's like to build up just from thrusting and not from touching yourself.

I'll mention again something obvious that I keep forgetting myself, speaking for myself: it's all incredibly mental. There's little or nothing physical about this situation. It isn't like I've actually killed off any nerve endings on my penis. I just expect(and therefore want) a certain type of stimulation because I 'think' that's the only thing that will get me off. When I'm feeling that stimulation I 'think' everything's ok and I let myself fall into it. When I don't feel that stimulation I worry something's wrong, that it's not going to work. I got to the point w/ my girlfriend where I definitely noticed the stimulation, and even liked it, but kept telling myself that, it's not the same, it's not right, it's not going to work. And this goes beyond any effects of negative thinking in general, the larger issue is that it pulls me out of the moment, out of falling into it. I'm so worried about what it's not, I'm not enjoying what it is.

I've felt under such stress/pressure that I was/am still sometimes constantly monitoring/watching spectatoring myself to make sure everything's going according to plan. But it CAN'T work that way. That's like forcing yourself to fall asleep, that won't work either, you'll be so busy commanding yourself, criticizing yourself, watching/judging yourself that you won't be able to let go to drift off to sleep. The mind's too busy to let go.

Orgasm is similarly a process of letting go, of not being completely aware. Letting your mind drift to fantasy:good, drifting into words/thoughts:not so good. I've actually messed up times I've been pretty close to orgasming w/ my gf by starting to plan the celebration party before it even happened, or the escape plan before I even failed.

I have since my last post finally orgasmed once inside my girlfriend once w/o getting close first on my own. However paradoxically she raised the expectations and stress immediately following this and I've had a lot of trouble coping so I'm not sure what the future holds for me at this point. It's hard to feel relaxed w/ periodic yelling, break up talks, etc. But those are problems in my relationship that I'll have to settle one way or another to move forward.

I wish you the best of luck man, you can definitely do this! Just remember your motivations, be honest w/ yourself about what you really want and stay w/ it. One last thing I'll say to you that I wish my gf would understand... this is supposed to be fun. And I'm not saying that in a mournful, spiteful, or sarcastic way. We don't have to, and actually really shouldn't, over think or stress about this. This can be fun during and after we work this out. Not saying there isn't hard work to be done. But hard work isn't stressful unless you make it so.

Take it easy,
-Bob

I just wanted to share... we essentially went back to almost no self-stimulation (slipped once) and he started with a new therapist to explore a lot of history... we recently went 4 for 4 doing the common stuff - oral, hj, anal and missionary intercourse. Before that we were getting good with oral and hjs.

Less overall sex, but more successful sex.

I will admit that I gave him an ultimatum to deal with this or we can think about divorce. He found a therapist straight away. Wish I didn't have to push but afterward he thanked me. He likes the therapist. He has a lot to deal with and I think reducing his fear about his sexual history has been helpful to him.

We are not going to have babies at this point in our lives, but we were both incredibly moved that our recent success would allow for children naturally.

BTW, focusing on oral and encouraging him to be forceful seemed to help, too. I use my hands and mouth, but the successes are great for building confidence.

wanted to give a status update for those interested:
a) I have a fleshlight for 1 year now.I bought the endurance model first and the normal sleeve ca 1 month later and it took me like 40+ minutes vigourous thrusting with my hand to get to orgasm with either of these at first.If the endu model was any help to get over to the normal sleeve model it seemed insignificant so I would buy only the normal one if i had to do it again.

b) I could reach orgasm with the normal one in 5-10 minutes of relative vigourous thrusting with my hand in a matter of 5-6 months.

c) Tried to vary the stimulation by hand by using only the left hand...took me longer..but maybe it eases the transition to d) (I hope)

-d) The last 2-3 weeks i tried a few times to wedge the fleshlight between bed and a pillow thrusting into it with my hips: was successful 2 times so far but took me 30 minutes+ that way (and a whole lot of lub lol) and most times i couldnt get there at all.

-> seems possible to do it but it requires a lot of effort and (even more)time..at least in my case

Needless to say i dont have the nerve, energy and time to do it that way any time right now ..but i know ..its important to never go back etc ..so i will try to do it that way more consisntently..

I ran into some troubles concerning the "progress" with my fleshlight.

Man, that conditioning really is not an easy feat. to do ...

P.s.:I sent you a pm greesegun..

After some time it's pretty consistent for me now, as of maybe a month or so ago. Focusing too much on the sensations not being what I wanted/expected, and focusing too much on myself(was what I was doing too awkward, getting me too tired, too much work, not worth all this, not happening as fast as I wanted, as fast as last time, as fast as it should) those were/are my downfalls. Those all lead to frustration and pull you away from any fantasy/groove you're trying to get into. You want to loose yourself in it, fall into it. Things that pull you out of that trance and into ANY type of analytical mode will make it harder/impossible. Don't beat yourself up though if your mind starts going down an unhelpful road, just 'gently' notice it and focus back on what is pleasing/fun. Even if things seem close, stay with the fantasy. Being analytical even of sucess will stop it in it's tracks sometimes. At first you may NEED some pretty extreme fantasies, that's ok, whatever works for you. As you get used to it, you won't need that much mental stimulation. IF you are getting super frustrated, take a break, frustration isn't a very sexual mindset. There's always tomorrow. Remember, you've always EVENTUALLY got off, even if it took days, etc.
Hope that helps.

I realize this thread is really old and probably closed, but I just wanted to say that I found all the posts extremely helpful. Thanks to greasegun and morti for conveying their experience and advice with fleshlight. WonderfulDay, you seem very wise and I hope you and your husband can work through this issue. Thanks also to jigsaw and chucky for their input. I recognize some aspects of jigsaw in myself: over-worrying about "will I finish this time", being concerned with what others might think, reluctance to open up to my girlfriend about this, etc... I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), and I think that's a big factor in causing these worries.

All of this advice is basically the same as what my psychiatrist was telling me. He recommends I get a fleshlight and practice to get used to something other than my hand. He also talked about staying in the moment and just enjoying myself, not letting my mind wander or be overly analytical. It looks like I have a long road ahead of me. I think I'm also going to get the Liberator On a Mission fleshlight mount to make practicing the thrusting easier.

One thing that concerns me is how much porn I need to get off. I can't jack off to mental imagery alone anymore. Moreover, the porn gets more and more extreme. I'm pretty sure I'll need to start out using the fleshlight with at least some porn going on in the background. Hopefully I can wean myself off of it.

I've tried with a previous girlfriend to have porn running while we have sex. Aside from the technical difficulties (always interrupting intercourse in order to fast forward to the "good" parts with the remote), it didn't help that my girlfriend was initially quite shocked with the porn I was into (anal, especially gaping holes). Intercourse usually starts out feeling good, especially the initial tightness upon penetration, but then I start to lose interest. Then I just think about what one of the posters calls "the escape plan". In my case it's waiting until she gets off, then turning her around so I can masturbate and climax while burying my tongue in her asshole! I wonder if I'm being too graphic, but screw it, it's therapeutic.

Cheers and good luck to everyone still reading this!