fleshlights for retarded ejaculation?

I contend you'd get more sex if you disclose up front with the right partner.

I agree with this. As a male, however, I'm 'exposed' to what goes on in the minds of men and I somewhat understand why they don't want to talk openly about issues of sexual dysfunction. Some men are still 'macho' and they would rather die than appear weaker than another male. If you a reason for why they are like this, then you just have to look back through history in every animal species! Males naturally compete for females... ...it's funny in a way!

WonderfulDay wrote:Did you tell the girl after you've had a few failures with her or prior to any sexual interaction? I'm really thinking it is better if you explain it up front. Then you can go into sex with a free mind because she agreed to sex with you even after you disclosed that you might not cum and that it has nothing to do with her attractiveness or how you feel about her.

Na I didn't tell her beforehand, because I was hoping that I would come that time and I wouldn't even need to say it. I'd only had sex, say, 11 or 12 times in my life before that and I figured that maybe this time I'd be alright. It's very common for guys not to come the first time they have sex but it looks like I haven't got past that yet.

But yeah, on top of that I was scared of being judged. It is a very humiliating thing to admit. That you haven't had enough sex and you're too used to masturbation to come. I mean I'm even ashamed to write this, incase someone I know finds it somehow. I can imagine everyone laughing their heads off at me if they discovered it.

I mean only freaks or weirdos or pathetic losers can't get laid right? It's one of the biggest insults you can give someone: "He can't get laid" or "He needs a girlfriend". Next time I will admit it, but maybe you can see why I have avoided doing it before in the past. I'm sure I'll feel very uncomfortable doing it.

I also think it is better to delay entering into sex to establish the relationship so that when you tell her that you really like her, she knows that you have something to base it on. IOW, you wouldn't have hung around this long, waiting to bond before sex, if you didn't actually really like her and respect her.

I'd probably be way too horny to do that Plus, if you don't make a move for a girl, they'll lose interest. And then later on, when you try and go for it, you've lost your chance. Either you're put in the friend zone or they never even bother seeing you again. Well, I dunno, maybe I'm wrong, but I wanted to be honest about how I feel, cause it could be part of the problem...

I suspect the most heavily used reason for non-disclosure is to avoid losing an opportunity for sex.

Ok so this isn't a factor for me.

Although I did have a similar mindset the time when I lost my virginity. I was 19, which is pretty late anyway by anyone's standards, so I desperate to lose it. I would have done anything just to have sex. And I was really nervous that I would come too quick, I felt really embarassed and vulnerable, especially because of the fact that I was a virgin at that age, and just embarassed about sex in general I guess. And maybe that experience set a precedent where the next time I did it I REALLY wanted to come, which made me too nervous to come and so on, starting a vicious circle.

Hello,
i have this condition too and i really appreciate it for "wonderfulday" posting here because its seldom that you get a wife or girlfriend who has had a lot of experience with this sort of thing.

My history of this problem is rather long because in the last relationship i tried a lot of stuff.I really loved that woman and i desired her very much (mentally and pysically) but well it was a constant stress on both of us.

i dont even know where i would beginn with my story.First the urulogist then neurologist, endocrinologist, sexual therapy, a bit of behauvioral therapy, then 1,5 years of psychoanalysis, ....

we tried everything.My impression is that i have masturbated way to long so i got used to it.I had my firt sex when i was almost 30 (i was a very shy man back there and i have had a very difficult youth with little in the way of sozial skills especially with the opposite sex) and since i startet to masturbate with the help of pictures of woman in underwear out of shopping catalogs when i was 12 till i used hardcore pornography from the internet it was going uphill all the way intensifying the experience all along the way.

Now its even difficult fior myself to get an orgasm because all the fantasies have been used up and i have seen my fair share of pornos and my dick seems to be very unsensitive so that i have to vigourouly rub it to feel anything.

So you say why dont you stop ? I did that too you know. i didnt masturbate for 6 weeks at a time and it didn t change a thing, not even slightly.I did away with porn for like a year only using my imagination.Didnt change anything.So i REALLY would like to know how your husband came to get a grip on this thing.. because my last option is the reason i found this thread. I have ordered a fleshlight because i hope with its help to tone down the level of stimulation that i now seem to require. Using my hand its very hard to use less gripping force although i can go slower but for me its either i try to be more tender and i can go on for hours without feeling anything or i give it the full dosage and then it still takes 10-15 minutes.My ex-girlfriend once said to me after she watched me doing it: "It really seems to be quit straining" and that descripting fits the bill.I tried to remember if it has been always so arduous but its hard to say with a history of almost 20 years of masturbation (and nothing to compare it to)

I suspect it was a lot easier back then otherwise i wouldnt have found out about it by myself.And it must have become more and more difficult to reach orgasms because of getting used to visual and physical stimulation (and you always want and need more to "get off")

Ok i think i will stop here with my story.For me the only way left seems to be to get "unused" to masturbation.And simply "not doing it" doesnt seem to do it.It would be difficult to endure anyway because sex doesnt do anything for me (yep, except for the fact that its nice that the woman seems to enjoy it and if she smells good and looks good etc...) and well i dont know about other men but if i dont orgasm once in a while (say at least twice a month) i get really unrelaxed und uncomfortable.

It seems like its a basic need that my body got used to get satisfied with masturbation and once u swim up that river its hard to turn back and swim against the stream back to the intersection where you need to take the other arm of the river.Most Men never get that far up the masturabtion "arm" of the river because the "having sex with a partner" arm was available to them (and more rewarding) from the start.

Do i make sense to anyone?
Morti out

p.s. i never have had an orgasm from sexual intercourse with a partner so far, not even close.Seems things should "build up" normally during sex but for me its getting horny, getting stiff and thats all there is to it for me regardless what i or the woman does.

yeah its right like i thought: i ordered the "stamina" inlay model of fleshlight. Its supposed to be VERY intensive (more than normal intercourse) but i can go on and on and almost doesnt feel a thing, like with real sex.So it doesnt have to do anything with someone else being there its just that i need a very intensive stimulation down there...

ok, i have had the fleshlight for one and a half weeks now and i can reach orgasm with some difficulty in like 30-40 minutes.With the stamina model, the intensive one!.I hope that with time i will get used to this model and that i will need less time to come.Finally i will get a plain vanilla fleshlight model to continue with the Sensibilisation as a second step.

Any thoughts if i am on the wrong track ?

MORTI OUT

Thanks for posting, Morti.

I have had a similar issue. I didn't masturbate for a month before a sexual encounter, and it was ridiculously hard for me to even orgasm from masturbation with the girl (although the "quantity" was more than I've seen in any porno...a month's worth?)

In any case, I've tried all those things to no avail. I'll likely try the fleshlight because there's nothing really to lose.

No matter how understanding partners have been, they still don't get to experience the pleasure of making their partner orgasm.
It's tough when you can't make a female orgasm as well, and, although that's more common for most guys, it would probably take a toll pretty quickly.

Anyway, I'll update with my experience with the fleshlight.

Any other flashlight results anyone?

My husband is odd man out cause he has a full-time partner who up until recently wanted sex daily or twice daily. He is considering a fleshlight and I halfway don't care but.i do wonder if it is another fraspinf at straws. Grasping... darn keyboard. If he can't get off wih me that often how is jaxking with a fl going to help us? Am I even necessary?

I suck. Feeling sorry for myself. sorry.

BTW earlier in the thread the idea of getting to the edge and finishing inside would work. Not for us. But I do appreciate him cumming in me even if it is forced.

Is it me or are you having a hard time wonderfullday ? I would really hate it if my postings had anything to do with it.Anyway, if you want to talk to someone and i mean just you talking and me listening kind of stuff just say the word.i have icq and skype and yahoo etc ... and i think at least i would be able to understand it...fairly well.

Morti out

Hey Morti,
I have a similar history and situation to you. Though now, finally, I've made significant progress. I'll summarize my history and tell you what things I've done and how far I've gotten. I finally think this is definitely solvable though of course quite difficult and time/energy consuming.

Due to shyness, awkwardness, tough family, etc I had a lot of trouble talking to girls, getting girl friends etc in the past. I'm 29 right now and I had intercourse for the first time 1 yr and a half ago. I had until now had only a few girlfriends and they were also shy/inexperienced so although we did other things, we never got to sex for various reasons. For reasons I can't understand now I didn't really see any of that as a problem because I could always orgasm from masturbating which I enjoyed very very much. That first girl a yr and a half ago didn't want further dates w/ me after our sex which I know she enjoyed physically(I was able to go seemingly forever even though it was my first time) but I think she was of course really put off by my problem.

Some time later I met another girl who I'm still in a relationship with. In many ways we have a great relationship but we do have alternating fights and crying sessions because of this RE problem I have. She(unlike my previous gf's) is very very experienced and is really upset about this because she has always had very full and satisfying sexual experiences w/ past boyfriends. I've learned a lot since then. At the time I was super shocked to learn that she was completely unsatisfied w/ the experience if I didn't come, even if she did. Now I understand the connection and sadness if it's missing, but it took me a while to get it.

I had the exact same experience of intercourse not really feeling like anything really. My first time I easily stayed erect because I was so excited, as was my partner. Over time w/ a steady partner she would be less excited because she knew it would end 'sad'. Due to this, and other stresses, I would very often begin intercourse w/ her erect but then loose it after a time, even though I didn't orgasm at all. She of course had all the usual reactions of thinking I wasn't into her, she didn't look good enough, she was not right in some way. Although she is very smart and intuitive about many things, this is not one of them. No matter how much I explained it she just didn't get it, that it's me, not her. She's finally starting to get it recently, partially, though fights etc still happen periodically.

I quickly understood that her vagina didn't feel like my hand, it didn't give me the sensations I looked for and wanted. Now I'll go into that more BUT it is important to remember that's only PART(though a big part) of the picture but I'll explain that also.

So me and her are both problem solvers so we tried so many different things. We had some success early on w/ me masturbating myself to very very close to orgasm then sticking it into her vagina in the last second or two and orgasming that way. It worked often and I thought initially that what would fix this, but it didn't for me. It builds 'some' association w/ orgasming and real vaginal intercourse but not enough by itself. Not if you're where I was and partially still am. Often(and more often over time actually due to increasing relationship stress) I would get close, stick my penis in her and it wouldn't feel good enough for me to finish even if I was already super close. So I would pull out, touch myself, re-insert, try again. This of course worked sometimes but more often failed due to many things: she felt stupider each time, I felt stupider each time, frustration is not a pro-sexual emotion, AND the more I was touching myself in that session the less good(or actually less anything at all) her vagina felt. I was actually progressively desensitizing my penis till there was NO WAY it was gonna happen. Sometimes I tried to fight that by getting right past the brink and trying to stick it in as quick as I could. Of course often I didn't get there fast enough then we both felt like such failures.

As months went on, everything was textbook, I see that now finally. I got more self-conscious and nervous. This led to often not getting erect at all. This further 'confirmed' to her that I wasn't into her. All the added stress and pressure to fix myself, us, everything led to a downward spiral.

I had been to a sex therapist and had to stop because she only dealt w/ couples and my gf no longer wanted to go as she thought the exercises were stupid and not helping. I see how the exercises could help certain things if given enough time, anyways...

I am seeing another sex therapist now. She's helping me w/ things on many fronts, a few of which are: getting used to more 'normal' levels of sensation leading to orgasm(my hand's grip was CRAZY strong), building a healthy amount of fantasy and imagery in my mind that I can call up during practice on my own or during real sex, mindfulness exercises so I can realize when I'm letting my mind wander to unproductive places(especially during sex) or getting stressed, and changing the relations and dialog w/ my girlfriend so that stress, expectations, disappointment, and anger can go down so that I can keep moving forward and not feel it would be better to avoid that part of the relationship(avoided problems always come back worse, especially this).

So about that pesky not feeling anything. I can share actual concrete experience w/ you. I've been going down your road of the fleshlight for a long time now. At first it was IMPOSSIBLE, felt NOTHING, could do it for ENDLESS HOURS, looking at porn that would normally make me orgasm in seconds. Often I would think "if I could only touch myself w/ my hand for just one second, just one second." DO NOT DO THIS.

A super super important concept in psychology is that if you have an association in your mind(such as hand = orgasm), that sporadic/intermittent reinforcement has a lot slower extinction rate than continuous reinforcement. Having the experience of that connection(masturbating) sporadically actually makes the connection even stronger than experiencing it constantly. If you haven't used your hand for month then finally do, on that day, your mind will jump all over that and connect it even stronger than before. If you put 2 months in between, it's even worse. You mind sorta unconsciously says, "See, I just gotta wait a little longer for it, what I really want always comes eventually." Now, the habit will eventually die(extinguish) but it just takes longer. However, as said, if you go back even once then, it comes back a little stronger.

Use the flesh light the way you are(for now) and NEVER go back to your hand. And as you progress w/ the flesh light, NEVER fall backward. Even if it was super difficult, if you've orgasmed once or twice a certain way, you WILL be able to continue to do so, especially in a controlled environment such as yourself privately w/ a fleshlight. If you get to the smooth sleeve, DO NOT ever use the textured one again. Super important. You'll have bad days(or weeks) but DON'T GIVE IN!

You'll have to get yourself to the point where you're only using the original(smooth) texture fleshlight. Then you'll have to buy(or build) the mount for it so you can orgasm through thrusting(which will be INCREDIBLY hard). You probably can't thrust as fast as your hand can move. You'll probably need a transition phase where you start holding the fleshlight then finish w/ thrusting once you're super close. Then you'll tweak it so you spend less and less time holding it and eventually the whole time thrusting. This will be VERY difficult. Each stage takes a long time but some things can speed it up. When you're getting good at a stage, don't orgasm right away. Have fun w/ it the way you used to w/ your hand. Let it stay super close, then fall away, then come back and go right over. You want to build associations that this lesser stimulation is actually more. Which it is, ONLY once you get used to it though. This of course is hard right now at whatever stage you're at, but you can do it. If you do this at each stage the next won't be as hard to get used to.

Another thing it took me a while to realize, and this may or may not be an issue for you. Previously I had always sat down to porn and started touching myself right away, even before I was erect at all. Imagery and anticipation, and all the normal build up were not what was getting me erect, it was my touching that was doing it. So another front to tackle is not just what you use/do once you're erect, but how you're actually getting erect. In fact it has a similar progression. At first, not touching myself or just lightly touching myself did nothing. I could look at my favorite stuff and NOTHING, no erection at all. I desperately wanted to grab myself, and not lightly either. It took a long time for me to be able to get erect while just very barely brushing my hand past my penis. There really are some huge payoffs though once you get that working I found: 1. it takes less to get erect in real situations(which is what I wanted w/ my gf), 2. once something like a vagina or fleshlight does start really touching it, it feels much better(like an upgrade vs a downgrade), 3. this is more like the buildup you mention that should happen and I think in the end that's what one needs to orgasm.

One last thing. Fantasies are not a bad thing, as long as they are building a framework that you can insert your partner into or your experience into. Fantasies about things you'll never do or want to do in real life w/ a partner 'may' not be so helpful. But even that depends. The important thing is that you have fantasies that you can either: act out w/ a partner, make believe you're acting out w/ a partner, or at least conjure up in your mind during intercourse w/ your partner. Practice w/ the fleshlight(especially when it's not completely satisfying you) is good practice for this, as is just fantasizing w/o touching yourself at times(making it completely mental), as is and mindfulness exercises(meditation practice) since it helps you to stay focused and to gently guide your mind back in a non-disruptive way if/when it wanders.

So I'm still working on/with all these things. On the plus side, now things do feel good(often really good) when I'm having intercourse. And I often feel like I'm at or getting to the step right before it the stage where it feels so good that you know it will happen almost no matter what.

Ok, it's getting late, I'm tired. The risk of rambling and getting nonsensical is increasing but I hope this was helpful. I wish us both luck and everyone else. I have a good feeling about this recently.
Take care.

Thanks so much for that input. Good stuff....

I don't have much time but couple of quick questions....

How's your GF doing with your progress or, is it progress you are experiencing internally that she cannot perceive? That is valuable too, but different.

I'm very interested in how you recognize and get your mind back on track if it is,wandering. Are there exercises? Are you ADD?

Are you using the fleshlight to avoid pressuring your relationship rather than having real sex? Do you feel the flashlight is necessary?

Will my Android ever stop correcting flesh-light to flash-light?