Retarded Ejaculation - The Partner's Perspective/Discussion

You probably don't want to hear this because it isn't pleasant, but RUN. RUN FAST AND GET A DIVORCE AND AN STD TEST.

Your husband isn't just a guy with RE. He's a guy with what is now termed "sexual addiction." Whether you believe in sexual addiction as a diagnosable something-or-other really doesn't matter. What matters is that he fits with the description of someone who has an addiction in that he denies, lies and does anything to have access to his addictive substance. Whether he's gay or bi- is really irrelevant. And BTW, it WAS cheating.

You need a divorce.

His RE shouldn't even be what you're worried about. That's just a symptom of a larger, more dangerous and devistating problem.

Whether your husband is honestly deluded enough to think that what he's doing is somehow going to help him with his problem is really irrelevant. What he's doing is endangering you. No sex with him without a condom. But I'd say no sex at all -- just get a divorce and get involved with a good man who loves you and will protect you. The guy you are with is too messed up for you to save him. He needs real mental health workers to address his very real problem.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. But you need to protect yourself, your health, and your mental health. Also, your economic health. He's spending $$ on happy endings and seeing who knows who else.

Maybe, just maybe if there is any redeeming quality to this man, and you want to try and give him a chance, tell him that either he checks into a sexual addiction rehab clinic, gets an STD test, and gives up porn and all extra-marital sex as well as his masturbation compulsion, or you're filing. And you won't put up with any excuses, diversions, lies, BS, delaying tactics or anything that doesn't immediately and substantially address the problem that he has. Either he complies immediately with your requests, or HE leaves. Remember that, he leaves. You stay. You file. You divorce his ass and get your life back.

I really don't see any other way. If you stay, he'll waste your time and your money and your life. He'll further erode your self-esteem. And, you'll never trust a word he says. Not to mention the very real risk of his bringing a very real health problem into your life. That's just not love.

I don't mind you being blunt. And I know what you are saying is good advice. I just wish it was as easy as that to follow up on. He does have many redeeming qualities and he is a good man who loves me. The people who know him, including all of my friends, think he is a great guy, a wonderful husband and a awesome father.

I have felt for a long time that he has a SA, but when we talk about it, he doesn't see wanting to have sex with his wife every day as not being normal. And I know many other men (husbands of friends) who are the same way. I know many men who are fine with a lot less sex too, so I hate to put a label on him due to his level of desire. And I do believe that sex (orgasm) can be a great stress relief for men, where I prefer a warm bath and a glass of wine to relieve my stress.

Where I struggle is if this online activity and our once a month 3-somes is what makes him happy (and in the last four months, since living out these fantasies we have both been much happier and getting along better), then if I make him stop all porn, and online activity, he will then be miserable. And I do love him. Thus, I want to see him happy.

I just don't have a good feeling about any path I take. I'm sure he believes that he is being a good husband. Here he is, he wants to make love to his wife everyday but I don't want to. He needs orgasms as a way to relieve stress and thus, if he can't have sex with me (and then masturbate) everyday, what is he to do? He doesn't want to cheat on me either, so doing online stuff, in his mind (and in mine) is certainly better than having affairs on me.

And I do believe that since I discovered the happy endings massage incident 6 months ago, that he has not done anything else physically with someone else. I know he does plenty of talking and fantasizing with others, but he hasn't crossed that line again to do anything physically (except in our 3-somes and those are focused on me).

I will suggest therapy - he has done counselling before, but I am pretty sure none of the sexual stuff came up in those sessions. That was strictly individual therapy that we were both doing to help communications in our marriage.

His wanting to have sex every day with you is NOT the problem. All of his other activities are. And he's pulled you into them and gotten you to believe that he NEEDS what he's doing. He doesn't NEED it. He wants it and will lie to you over it. Going to a guy? C'mon. What part of you not giving him daily sex does that fall under?

(BTW, I want sex every day. I don't get it. Should it be OK for me to turn to someone else? Should my husband accept that as the price he has to pay for not giving me sex because I want it? I certainly don't think so. I said "forsaking all others" and that means ALL OTHERS.)

I wonder if you're so liberal about his porn use and his masturbation (that are the reason he can't cum) and won't ask him to stop doing things that are so damaging to himself and his self-concept and his spirit, why you don't just give him permission to see other people. What is it that is really bothering you? Is it that he wants sex? Is it that he wants it with other people? Is it that he isn't faithful? Is it that he will have sex with anything with two legs? Is it that nothing is ever enough? Is it that he lies? Is it that he is deluded and has you bamboozled to the point where you believe his lies? Is it that you realize you aren't strong enough to leave a guy who doesn't respect you? And do you really believe your multiple partner sessions are all about you? Your deluded husband has gotten you to partake so he can share the guilt and blame. If you participate, you can't complain. And that's exactly where you find yourself. You aren't allowed to complain because you've chosen to follow this guy into the pit. He's really pulled a number on you with your permission.

Because your friends think he's wonderful, is meaningless. They don't know him. What would they say if you told them the truth about him? How wonderful would they find him then? His secret behavior is hidden because he's ashamed of it. And so are you. You know that to allow anyone to treat you and your marriage like this is wrong. And that's why you're talking about it here instead of talking about it to those friends who really haven't got a clue what is going on in your life or your marriage or with this allegedly wonderful, loving man.

BTW, I suspect since he got caught he's simply gotten smarter at hiding. You should keylog his computer. I bet you'll find it enlightening.

I reread your first post. Your husband is probably also a closet homosexual. That's why there's another man in your bed. That's why he went to the guy for the hand jobs. He's gearing up for making the transition to men. And where do you think you will be when that happens? What would happen if he were really, truly honest about his desire to be with another man? Could you live with it? Should you? And if he is actually gay, and this is the reason behind everything, shouldn't he be true to himself and find a male partner and stop pretending to be a hetero, married man?

PS - if you want to PM me, I'll talk to you there. But since this isn't at all about RE, I'd prefer not to continue to take this thread in a direction it shouldn't go. There's probably a sexual addiction forum on this site that would probably be better for your situation.

i have bought some ebooks about PE problems,,try that too maybe could help more

how much does your ebook costs? maybe i could purchase it too. some ebooks are expensive

Are you responding to yourself?
Further your posts are off topic.

sorry i mislook it, i was on the wrong window..my apologies

sorry, Wonderfullday for not answering your post earlier, but i have had an awfull lot of things on my mind the last 2-3 months.
That said i really found your exchange with janey75 a fascinating read.I covers so much which i know myself.The 10/90 rule, the relationship not really being where you want it to be...

I want to add some words about masturbation: I dont know how it is for those other guys but for me if i am single i can go both without masturbation and porn for months without any problem...my sex drive simply isnt that strong if alone.Back then before i had sex / knew of this problem i simply didnt see the point why i shouldnt use masturbation/porn ... so i didnt try to abstain from it but now that i did it (i mean masturbation, porn i gave up a long time ago) it was no problem at all....if alone.So does that still count as addiction?

Where it is starting to get really hard is when bursting with desire and lust for a woman i love and nothing else seems to be working.

And i dont have any fancy fantasies or strange preferences either.I can only speak for myself but i think that it seems to be possible that a man who has started late with his sex life for whatever reason has conditioned his body and mind without knowing it or wanting to do that up to a point where its really really hard (i didnt want to say almost impossible) to recondition his body and mind to the way its supposed to be.

For some of this men there are additional problem which complicate matters.But judging from my own experience that conditioning problem I mentioned above seems to be enough trouble on its own!

Regarding another topic:

I also feel as you do that when a partner turns something that hurts you into something that hurts him, he is reframing the issue in a way that is ultimately self-serving.

Just to clarify things: Its not about a situation where a problem is hurting BOTH of the partners and one partner is trying to talk about his or her view of things and the other partner reponds that HE/SHE TOO suffers from this situation?

More like:"I would like to do more trips to the countryside" and then he answers:"So you are unhappy with me because i didnt plan enough leisure activities?"

Did i get that right? So that it seems like he is responsible for whatever could be defined as "going wrong"? Taking everything personal? Trying to hard to please. Not a relationship on equal footing.

So thats what you meant with "Trying to please mommy" -> seeking approval:"Didnt i do it right?"

I would like to argue that something like that is hard to avoid if for example HE has almost no experience with relationships so far and SHE has lots of (which is normal at a certain age) and that a man who hasnt had a relationship or girlfriend so far will be very eager to "not loose it again" and therefore beeing very forthcoming.Also if he has lost a few relationships/girlfriends due to his problem he might get very forthcoming just trying to avoid loosing a woman AGAIN.

At last I find it quite comprehensible that a man with this condition could feel "inferior" because of it in some even unconscious way.

So while i dont think this is a good way to react i find it at least "understandable" under certain circumstances, but as with most things recognition is the first step to changing.