Retarded Ejaculation - The Partner's Perspective/Discussion

WonderfulDay wrote:I've been away a long time but came across the bookmark when I was poking around my system...

Thank you for taking the time and answering me

Absolutely nothing? Or is that an overstatement? Do you mean that it doesn't provide you with any physical pleasure or that it doesn't provide you with enough pleasure to get to release... Or that because it doesn't get you to release, you can't appreciate whatever physical pleasure it does provide?

I hope you're still out there because it might help if we can figure out what it is you really mean. And if it is as I both hope and suspect, you're being very black and white and not exploring the grey areas enough.

I mean exactly that and its no overstaement believe me Its difficult to describe.Take normal penetrative sex. For me its wet, its warm and i can make my girlfriend feel good.Thats it for me.

If you are saying exactly what you mean, that the act of sex provides nothing for you, I guess it would really depend on where the rest of the relationship. Yes, absolutely, it would be difficult for me to take. A large part of me would be wondering "why bother?" and would have difficulty enjoying myself if it were solely for my own benefit as a great deal of sex is about the mutual sharing of pleasuring one another. So my initial reaction would probably suck.

Thats exactly the kind of problem we have.She said to me a few months back "Imagine you would sleep with a girl and nothing you do would make her feel good ..." so she isnt very keen on Sex with me anymore and we have sex every 3 weeks or so.The only thing I could think of to answer her was "But i love you!"...

And I think that's the way I'd talk to someone about it if I were in your shoes. Sex is a lot more than the genitals.

I would probably ask you if there were something you'd rather be doing than having sex, or at least the kind of sex we were having. Would you prefer a backrub? IOW, what could I do that would in some way, substitute so that I could give you pleasure? It won't make up for sex because sex is special. But maybe we can find something that works for both of us...

Yes we explored a lot of sensitive zones like the inside of the arms and the sides of the neck especially gets me turned on a lot, also nibbling my ears is kind of nice too.My balls are very sensitive to touch and so on... but that one for example is problematic because it makes me just all the more hornier for her and if she sees that i get stiff then her reaction is more like "ah not that again...i dont know what i should do about that anyway.."
But i enjoy her carressing me a lot and at least while she is rubbing/massaging my back that doesnt get me horny

And I'd want to know why you felt a desire to make love even if it did nothing for you. What is that desire exactly? Is it just the desire to cum, even if you're not going to get there with her? If that's the case, I'd wonder at what point it would become totally frustrating and pointless to not just me, but you and I'd wonder when the relationship would become sexless with you doing your own thing... I'd be very afraid of that if I loved you and wanted to stay with you. I'd also wonder if masturbating together might at least provide you with the release that you desire and that if doing it with me while I hold you and stroke you and kiss you and show you that I love you, if that'd be enough for you...

Difficult du describe again.The more i love her the more i want to make love to her.Its just that...well... I am horny for her!.It may be about comming but its more like "ahhh i am aroused like hell and i have to do something now".Like i said cumming would be great but i would be happy if i even had pleasure doing it...not just watching my girlfriend enjoying herself.(which she can only do by blocking her knowledge about my problem out of her head anyway)
And we do masturbating together.At least its something.Problem is she says i am doing it that fast and hard ...so she hasnt got the strenght to do it that way.Unfortunately i need it that fast/ hard since i dont feel anything myself if i go slower or less gripping.and she said its not her type of caressing if its that "brutal" so she doesnt like doing it that way for me too it seems.Maybe she is just frustrated because she tried it a few times and it didnt work out ..

Yes, sex is very frustrating for me (and for her too i suspect) and if she would leave me i honestly dont know if i would want a partnership again because you cant imagine the troubles it caused me.Not only am I really fed up with doctors, (urologist, neurologist, endocrinologist, half a year of sexual-therapie, 2 years of psychoanalysis, 2 foreskin operations....i even let them fix a wire to my penis and took jolts of electricity to test nerv strenght) because they couldnt change a thing.It caused me a lot of grief too because being that horny and not being abIe to have fun releasing that pressure in the normal way kind of first only sucks then with more time sucks even more and it seems to be getting worse with more time.It sort of wears you down.
The non psychologist tell me its psychological and the psycho-doc tell me they cant find anything.So i even dont know if i am kind of born with that problem or if i aquired it for instance through conditioning .Ah well..

We'd struggle with words and meaning. We'd struggle with insecurity and with the strength of the relationship. We'd wonder what else is out there that is better (not a nice thing to say, but I can tell you I have certainly thought about other men and leaving or "supplementing" -- my husband is aware of this and it hurts, but he understands). I'd really need you to not be effusive (or stupid - staring, making noises, etc.) about other women in front of me because being unable to get your husband (or BF) off harms your self-image something fierce.

I know, believe me.All of the things you wrote i know about more then i like.

All of that said, I suspect that you really don't mean it won't do ANYTHING for you. It just doesn't do everything it needs to...

I wish it would be so that its "simply not enough to orgasm" but unfortunately i am not a drama queen and its exactly like i wrote.
My girlfriend once said to me "It feels so good i just cant understand why it doesnt work for you..." and that was while we were doing it...

So you see even if i didnt tell her its just impossible to hide if you are in a close relationship.....

And several times she asked me "if you cant get anything out of it why do you still want to make love to me ?" and i said:"You are a beautiful woman and i love you so i feel the urge to make love to you.You cant argue against your sex drive on a rational basis like that.."
I suspect it would be easier for her if i simply wouldnt have the desire for sex.She also said to me:"Do you think i find it great that i cant do anything for you?"

If you're still around, let's kick this around.

Thank you for lending me your ear.If nothing else works its nice to at least "talk" about it since my girlfriend is fed up with talking about it too.I can understand her.Talking didnt do anything for us and we talked a lot.Its just that both are feeling so helpless and helplessly enduring something can REALLY wear you down...

P.s: One thing which is important to me: DONT take my case and compare it to YOUR husband/boyfriend.I REALLY searched a lot of boards and chatted with a lot of women who have/had boyfriends/husbands with that kind of problem and my problem seems to be really extreme.95% of those cases i found the man was able to enjoy sex but it simply wasnt enough to make him come.So dont take that personally ...you know what i mean..although let me tell you that the reasons for that "affliction" seem to be many and mostly obscure and unknown.In my case i suspect a fair dosage of "masturbation conditioning" since i had my first sex rather late in life (27 years old).I am now 34 and since my first time i didnt come once with any woman in any position/technique which is rare in itself.My current relationship is now nearing its 3.5 year anniversary and i know that i am very lucky to have her despite that problem.She had a sexual problem herself which i helped her solve with a lot of talking about her past experiences.I think she dont want to do to me what a lot of men did to her back then when sie had that problem (e.g leave her).So i may be kind of lucky but sometimes i think maybe it would be better for her if she would not have to go through that..

Thanks

Hi Morti,

I'm sorry to learn that it is as bad as you say...

Question -- have you attempted to give up masturbation? My husband's having done this has helped a lot. A cure? No. And we still fall back into that trap time and time again. And then we back off from it and start over.

RE Why bother?

Thats exactly the kind of problem we have.She said to me a few months back "Imagine you would sleep with a girl and nothing you do would make her feel good ..." so she isnt very keen on Sex with me anymore and we have sex every 3 weeks or so.The only thing I could think of to answer her was "But i love you!"...

How do you think this is going to play out realistically over time?

How do you feel about the significant nose-dive in sex?

Love is great, but love doesn't always make up for this kind of thing. How long has it been since you had the discussions about how you get nothing out of sex with her? I'm wondering if some counseling on her own would help her to work out how she really feels. What I see her doing now is more like a preemptive strike to soothe her own hurt rather than trying to work the problem with you more constructively. So I am hoping she's still processing.

Yes we explored a lot of sensitive zones like the inside of the arms and the sides of the neck especially gets me turned on a lot, also nibbling my ears is kind of nice too.My balls are very sensitive to touch and so on... but that one for example is problematic because it makes me just all the more hornier for her and if she sees that i get stiff then her reaction is more like "ah not that again...i dont know what i should do about that anyway.."
But i enjoy her carressing me a lot and at least while she is rubbing/massaging my back that doesnt get me horny

I understand how she feels, unfortunately. It is a sense of powerlessness. I'm ineffective, I'm not good enough, I can't help, so what do you need me for exactly anyway? Sigh...

And I'd want to know why you felt a desire to make love even if it did nothing for you. What is that desire exactly? Is it just the desire to cum, even if you're not going to get there with her? If that's the case, I'd wonder at what point it would become totally frustrating and pointless to not just me, but you and I'd wonder when the relationship would become sexless with you doing your own thing... I'd be very afraid of that if I loved you and wanted to stay with you. I'd also wonder if masturbating together might at least provide you with the release that you desire and that if doing it with me while I hold you and stroke you and kiss you and show you that I love you, if that'd be enough for you...

Difficult du describe again.The more i love her the more i want to make love to her.Its just that...well... I am horny for !.It may be about comming but its more like "ahhh i am aroused like hell and i have to do something now".Like i said cumming would be great but i would be happy if i even had pleasure doing it...not just watching my girlfriend enjoying herself.(which she can only do by blocking her knowledge about my problem out of her head anyway)
And we do masturbating together.At least its something.Problem is she says i am doing it that fast and hard ...so she hasnt got the strenght to do it that way.Unfortunately i need it that fast/ hard since i dont feel anything myself if i go slower or less gripping.and she said its not her type of caressing if its that "brutal" so she doesnt like doing it that way for me too it seems.Maybe she is just frustrated because she tried it a few times and it didnt work out ..

Are you making an effort to modify your grip and cadence? If you're not, from a partner's point of view, I'd be very upset because you're not making it any easier for her to do. In fact, you're prolonging the pain.

Yes, sex is very frustrating for me (and for her too i suspect) and if she would leave me i honestly dont know if i would want a partnership again because you cant imagine the troubles it caused me.

Yes, for her too. Why do you think she's responded the way she has?

And I can understand what you say. My husband has said the same thing. It harmed his first marriage and it hasn't been a picnic for ours.

Sad thing, rereading here has brought back a lot of that pain for me. The absolute truth is that I want what I can't have and I hate that I think about going out and getting it. I'm married. I love him. I promised. I'm not planning on acting on the desire, but it exists and I'd pay money to get rid of it. And he's not nearly as bad off as you are. Your GF is experiencing a lot of negative emotions including GUILT that you probably aren't aware of. Thinking about leaving a good man because of a sexual performance issue just doesn't go down well in most women's minds because we're not brought up that way... and we're the nurturing and less sexual (ha ha ha -- not necessarily!) gender.

Not only am I really fed up with doctors, (urologist, neurologist, endocrinologist, half a year of sexual-therapie, 2 years of psychoanalysis, 2 foreskin operations....i even let them fix a wire to my penis and took jolts of electricity to test nerv strenght) because they couldnt change a thing.It caused me a lot of grief too because being that horny and not being abIe to have fun releasing that pressure in the normal way kind of first only sucks then with more time sucks even more and it seems to be getting worse with more time.It sort of wears you down.
The non psychologist tell me its psychological and the psycho-doc tell me they cant find anything.So i even dont know if i am kind of born with that problem or if i aquired it for instance through conditioning .Ah well..

It is definitely more difficult when you have relational and psychological pressure put on you. What started out as one thing gets performance anxiety heaped on. And of course, the wonderful wondering if your partner is going to leave you over it bit doesn't help one bit.

<snip>

All of that said, I suspect that you really don't mean it won't do ANYTHING for you. It just doesn't do everything it needs to...

I wish it would be so that its "simply not enough to orgasm" but unfortunately i am not a drama queen and its exactly like i wrote.
My girlfriend once said to me "It feels so good i just cant understand why it doesnt work for you..." and that was while we were doing it...

So you see even if i didnt tell her its just impossible to hide if you are in a close relationship.....

And several times she asked me "if you cant get anything out of it why do you still want to make love to me ?" and i said:"You are a beautiful woman and i love you so i feel the urge to make love to you.You cant argue against your sex drive on a rational basis like that.."
I suspect it would be easier for her if i simply wouldnt have the desire for sex.She also said to me:"Do you think i find it great that i cant do anything for you?"

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She wasn't built to be a taker. She doesn't know how. She needs to feel she's contributing and giving to you as much as you want to give and contribute to her. You get satisfaction out of pleasing her that she can never have with you. She loves you and that hurts like crazy.

Thank you for lending me your ear.If nothing else works its nice to at least "talk" about it since my girlfriend is fed up with talking about it too.I can understand her.Talking didnt do anything for us and we talked a lot.Its just that both are feeling so helpless and helplessly enduring something can REALLY wear you down...

I don't know how you'd feel about sharing this with her, but it might help her to know she's not alone. And, I'd talk to her and at least she could feel that she wasn't being judged harshly for having the feelings she has. And then maybe she can work through them.

It is hard to deal with this because there's no one else to talk to about it -- you can't tell your friends because well, it is too embarrassing and personal. You feel bad on so many levels and you don't even know which levels are OK to feel bad about.

I do think however, that the two of you need to talk and have empathy for one another. Not talking about it isn't going to help your relationship one bit. Talking might not help the sex, but not talking will be the giant elephant in the room.

P.s: One thing which is important to me: DONT take my case and compare it to YOUR husband/boyfriend.I REALLY searched a lot of boards and chatted with a lot of women who have/had boyfriends/husbands with that kind of problem and my problem seems to be really extreme.95% of those cases i found the man was able to enjoy sex but it simply wasnt enough to make him come.So dont take that personally ...you know what i mean..although let me tell you that the reasons for that "affliction" seem to be many and mostly obscure and unknown.In my case i suspect a fair dosage of "masturbation conditioning" since i had my first sex rather late in life (27 years old).I am now 34 and since my first time i didnt come once with any woman in any position/technique which is rare in itself.

I think a lot of my husband's problem is the same though not to the same extent, as you say. I'm sorry that your conditioning is so bad. Maybe there's still hope though. I wonder with all of the experts being unhelpful if you haven't convinced yourself it is impossible.

My current relationship is now nearing its 3.5 year anniversary and i know that i am very lucky to have her despite that problem.She had a sexual problem herself which i helped her solve with a lot of talking about her past experiences.I think she dont want to do to me what a lot of men did to her back then when sie had that problem (e.g leave her).So i may be kind of lucky but sometimes i think maybe it would be better for her if she would not have to go through that..

Thanks

Do let her make up her own mind. Please don't tell her that it might be better for her to leave. I know you might feel that it is loving to let her go, it is also a mixed message when you tell someone that you love them and want them to go away. If you want to break up with HER, that's one thing. But don't suggest she leave you. That can also be seen as a twisted form of manipulation.

Please encourage her to find someone to talk to and encourage her to share her frustration with you. It is unfortunate that the guy with the affliction is the one who has to to the lion's share of the work here, but if you don't do it, she'll probably drift away. It isn't anybody's fault. And it sucks big time. It really makes me want to cry because I know how bad hopeless feels.

But maybe it isn't hopeless. Stop masturbating. Let her learn that just because you have an erection that you don't have to cum. To me, sensate seems to be the way to go for the both of you. She and I have a lot in common in that for whatever reason, we feel worthless if we can't get a guy off... especially if it is the one we love the most in the world. For her, she may need to also go through the entire stages of grief thing, including anger. So be aware of that.

Guess I'm PMSy... I'm ridiculously emotional over this.

Nah its ok.It really hit the nail on the head for me.Every sentence you say makes sense.

Regarding masturbation: I have ceased to masturbate for 3-4 month now.I only use a fleshlight if i really need the urge to you know get rid of my pressure.But so far it has changed nothing.There were times back then like 2 years ago when i tried to go without masturbation completely.I lasted for like 6 weeks tops at a time and then i was horny like hell and it STILL didnt work with real sex. And there comes a point when being in a relationship and going without releasing tension when you must do something at least for me.Because otherwise i get really in a bad mood.So i think my fleshlight approach might be not THAT effective but in the long run the compliance is much easier to handle.

If i used less gripping strenght and or less speed when masturbating back then it was the same as with sex: i could go on for hours without feeling anything "nice"....sooo...how do you "gradually" reduce speed and gripping strengh ? A little to much and nothing changes.A little to less and i cant get anywhere anyway.For me it seems like a very narrow threshhold:getting above is hard work.Being even a little under this threshhold and there is nada.

Seems like without knowing i conditioned myself into a thight corner so to speak.Its like painting the room and yourself into a corner.How do you get out again ?

Regarding my girlfriend.I would never suggest to her to leave me.I am only thinking aloud here you know? And i know that she is blocking that problem out of her mind.She is really good doing that because back then she did the same with HER problem before i cured her of that.The problem is that she told me "I am slipping back into old habits with sex... (meaning blocking things out) Back then i had a problem with sex in general, but now.." what she didnt say but what she meant was "but now i have a problem with sex with you..."

Ugly truth it is.And everything could be peachy if it werent for that completely superfluous problem *sigh* oh, well..

I hope i dont make things worse for you writing about my problems like that but its nice to see that i am not alone ..because her blocking everything out makes me feel very alone with that mess.

morti out

If I think my own talking about this to you is causing myself problems, then I'll either take some time off or I'll go back to therapy. So try not to worry about me. I'm a big girl, too.

Does the fleshlight work at all? If so, is it because while the grip has changed, the speed is the same?

I guess I'd like you to consider how grumpy you'd get if your GF left you over masturbation... not sex, but because you won't give it up for long enough that it makes any difference. You may have to go a really long time with the only choice for release is sex or nothing. That's the only way you'll ever really know if you can recondition yourself... to give it long enough without resorting to your hand. If you need to relieve yourself that much and you can't do it without pumping hard, maybe you don't need to do it as much as you think you do... You're not just physically conditioned -- you're mentally conditioned.

Avoid porn at all costs.

What's the condition of your penis? Is it pretty well roughed up because of how roughly you handled it? IOW, any scar tissue? My husband did a number on the skin...

Another question for you as an alternative to using your penis for sex... how do you feel about being penetrated anally? It might be another avenue to explore. Kinda kinky, but I'll tell you... we enjoy it.

Nah, no scars.I never did it THAT hard.I never did anything "extreme" for my taste.Ok, i have to admit I masturbated to porn for like 10 years from 17 till 27 roughly, but i didnt know back then that this can be harmful! And i have heard from lots of people who used porn and masturbation as much as me and THEY dont have a problem.so...why me?

Was it because i was very inventive? Using anal stimulation while masturbationg too? Sometimes i used shaving foam on my glans because it tingled nicely while masturbationg and so on, i want to spare you the details Point is i did everything there was to have fun with myself and i explored every shade of porn legally available.I really think like you said that i am conditioned mentally as well as physically.My threshhold for "excitement" seems to be really high so to speak.

And all that because i was to shy back then and i grew up rather socially isolated never had much friends as a kid etc...it was not intentionally that i was a virgin till that late believe me.No religious believes or sth like that.And i worked on THAT problem too.I lost 25 kilo weight, i learned how to flirt, i changed a lot about my personality internally.And then it worked and I was with severall women so far and i even met my current girlfriend which i love very much. And now i am back fighting another problem but this time it seems almost invincible...I really think i deserve a break

Sorry for my rambling about.It seems so unfair to fight for something everybody else seems to be taking for granted.

I found one, only one account of a man getting over this (except for the cases where the problem solved itself after a few months of the relationship) and that was a guy from here who made a webpage about his success with a fleshlight.

http://retardedejaculationtreatment.blogspot.com/

As for anal stimulation, we never tried that and i never had the nerv to ask her that.I myself have no problem stimulating her there but well it seemed like ahh i cant ask her THAT

Since i did that back then while masturbating maybe it has lost its newness too but only trying it can show that.

Does the fleshlight work at all? If so, is it because while the grip has changed, the speed is the same?

I guess thats excatly the point.Its much less gripping because i even screw off the cap at the end controlling "suction" and i use a lot of lube with it, something i NEVER did while masturbating in the past.

But like you said i still have to pump it really hard to get to orgasm. Another thing i realised is that its MUCH easier for me to get there if i cross my legs and tense up my pelvis muscles while masturbating.If i dont do that its much harder and with sex its almost impossible to do that except with her on top.

So that seems like another form of conditioning to me.I had some success breaking this habit while using the fleshlight.This problem seems like a hydra with many heads.

You may have to go a really long time with the only choice for release is sex or nothing. That's the only way you'll ever really know if you can recondition yourself... to give it long enough without resorting to your hand.If you need to relieve yourself that much and you can't do it without pumping hard, maybe you don't need to do it as much as you think you do... You're not just physically conditioned -- you're mentally conditioned.

But its really hard.She smells so good and she tastes so good and i love her and i WANT her...bah i want to see the man who can restrain himself for THAT long periods of time....I for myself find it very hard to go without ANY kind of release for long periods of time with something that delicious in front of me....she herself told me i seem to be having a very strong sex drive.Normally that can be a good thing but in this case its not helping

P.s i stopped porn completely last year after using it increasingly less In the years before.

You're doing everything that prevents you from orgasming with a real woman. You have to stop it unless she's going to participate... and then, it is still dysfunctional.

You need to learn to relax as you are getting there. What you're really doing is forcing yourself. That's not how the rest of the world cums. Again, if you have to try that hard, you don't really need to or want to cum.

I think what you see in this blog is a guy who isn't reconditioning his penis -- he's reconditioning his brain. This idea of getting yourself close and then thrusting into a fake vagina is just what some people say to do but with a real partner. He's just avoiding the real partner thing. You've got one. I think a fleshlight in your case is counter-productive. I know you want to save her the hassle, but what you and every guy like you needs is a real woman. You've got one. Use her. I guarantee she wants nothing more than for you to learn to use her for your own pleasure. It sounds sick, but that's the truth. She wants to be there for you in that way.

Why you? Because a lot of those guys also had partners. They didn't live in total fantasy the entire time. I think a lot of guys like yourself didn't have much of a self-image and delved into fantasy rather than the real world... and unfortunately, you are able to absorb fantasy more than the average guy. A lot of people just don't buy in to the level some of you do (like my husband). I just love competing with it, too. (Not.)

I also think that like you, my husband used these other "clever" self-stimulus. Do you know how angry I was when I was moving in that direction and he was all kind of coy and shy, only to find out he'd been doing that since he was a kid? Share with your GF, please. Do both of you a favor. It isn't weird. And it isn't bad. What's bad is not sharing what you know. You know what you like and you are keeping it to yourself while she beats herself up for not being good enough and not knowing what to do.

Trust her. Please. Don't go down the route that my husband went. As you can probably tell, I'm still kind of pissed about it. It isn't fair not to share what you know, especially when you know how hard it is on your partner -- and in my case, how hard I was working to learn everything I could about the problem.

(Oh, before I forget. There's a study that uses a vibe for like a minute on, a minute off, between the anus and the balls, something like 3 times, that has also shown some efficacy. Maybe it is 2 on... I'm stretching to remember. I use a vibe on my H sometimes and he enjoys it. You might want to give it a go.)

I don't know if you can be "cured". But I know it can be better for you. You have to use all of your self-knowledge AND share it with the girl that you love and trust that she's going to share the journey with you... at least part of it. And should she leave, you'll be that much farther along for the next person. Don't give up no matter what. But do be honest. It is only fair. Know there are other relationships out there for you, too. Look at me!

Also -- do you want her to claim that she cured you should you get better (where better is above where you are)? I don't think you should claim to have cured your GF, either. You worked on it together. Be partners. Share the glory.

But i am sharing! And there isnt much to tell.What do you mean with sharing ? My fantasies ? i told her what they are.They are not that far out. Believe me i know how important talking is in a relationship.
Your explanation with a strong sense of fantasy seems to be on the right track.Because of my isolation as a kid i really grew an intense fantasy world back then ( nothing to do with sex of course) so that may be the answer.I seem to have simply used that "resource" later on to imagine about how sex could feel, be etc.

Regarding another matter I had a relative phimosis (too tight foreskin) till i found out with 27 and then i had an op.So i never masturbated the "normal" way because i couldnt get my foreskin back enough.So i sort of "rubbed" THROUGH the foreskin with my thumb on the top side and my forefinger on the underside of the glans.I really think that this made matters worse for me.
Do you think that could be the reason that after 6 weeks of not masturbating at all i still am not even a tic more sensitive on my glans ? Because i talked to a friend and he told me that if he wouldnt have sex or masturbation for like 6 weeks he would get VERY sensitive down there.

I dont want to frustrate you, i am just throwing everything i know at you because you have such a deep understandiing for that problem so please dont be mad at me

But now i have a question for you.How long did it take your husband to be without masturbation for sex to work ? And did it stay that way then ? You mentioned something like setbacks. What were they ? Maybe you can tell me the whole story and if you dont want to post it here you can pm me too

That would really interest me.I know every case is more or less different but nevertheless...

Thanks
Morti out

I'm not frustrated with you. I'm frustrated with my husband. Sad but true.

That said, I think in a twisted way, this has been good for me and for me and him -- my talking to you, that is. We had a talk overnight that was eye-opening about a lot of things and maybe that's something we need to do more often.

But I digress...

I think you're right about the foreskin issue.

What I meant about sharing was your anal play... Does she know about that? Then she can participate in something that *does* bring you pleasure.

It took a long time for things to improve with my husband but no, sadly, no real "cure". We had reached a point where we weren't having a lot of sex and we were having a lot more success. He's stopped solo masturbation but unfortunately, we still allow it in the bedroom. I can't let him not cum. So part of the problem is me. I'm a lousy enforcer of rules. And we stopped putting an emphasis on getting him to cum through intercourse. But I'll tell you, there are times when he cums so fast (and then he feels bad about it! Argh!) I don't understand those times. Mostly, he just doesn't.

To try to answer your "how long without" question more directly, months. Things got better and it was amazing to be sure. But the more we had sex, the less likely he'd cum. So if we had sex once every week or once every other week, he'd be more successful than if we had sex 2-3 times/week. And these days we have it more often than that. And maybe that's because he'll get himself off with me there now... again...

At one time he read some things online about learning to take during sex rather than giving all of the time, and that seemed to help him briefly. And he has a lot of shame about some of his past behaviors. He's trying to work through those things.

I think he could live with cumming now and then if he knew I didn't desire him to cum inside me so much. It is hard when that's what you're used to. (I was married before him.) And it is hard when you attach certain meaning to it... But I'll tell you, the times he does cum, he walks taller. So it isn't just me.

Anyway, do your best. Try to find positions that give you the most contact. And maybe if she can reach around and play with your balls? Just try not to get discouraged. I know you've gone round and round with doctors over this. You've done due diligence. But there is still hope. Hand's off! And incorporate anal! (I never thought I'd be pushing something like that. Too funny.)

I'm sorry I'm being scatter brained right now. Daughters are talking to me and I have a lot on my mind. I'll try to do better next time.

If he feels bad about coming to fast then he really seems to have issues with taking instead of giving.Thats a very common reason for this problem.

But i really can understand that if you have sex a lot more often now that he wants to finish masturbating more often too.Its the same with me.The more i desire her (and having sex with her makes me desire her -> it makes me horny) the much more pressure to seek relieve (at least for me) Ironically while being solo there would be much less pressure to masturbate.Its like beeing on fire (being horny lying next to a beautiful woman you love) with the only way to put out the fire with a little bucket (masturbation)

Two things come to mind.First, i dont quite understand what "things from the past" are haunting him.I really think you two should talk about those things whatever they are.

Personally i dont have things haunting me apart from a mostly very lonely life so far.Like i said my phantasies are not that far out.I dont like anal stimulation that much to be precise.it was just something new to explore back then, another thing like the shaving foam, things you try out because the main thing gets a little boring over time and something distracting from the "main action" around my penis so to speak.Sure stimulating the prostata can be nice but then it doesnt work that good for me either (with a vibe between my balls and anus for example there is not much effect..i read that this mostly works with very skinny men, i seem to have to much muscle and fat down there..i need the more "direct" root, and then i think it would be too distracting in a situation which is a lot more distracting than mastrubation anyway..i am not that good multitasking at least if something is "new")
Ironically my fantasies of late center around me comming into her or group sex where several other man are comming into a woman (filling her up, sort of) and me being part of the crowd or watching.Maybe thats a reaction to this situation because back then with my pornographie i liked videos with double penetration and the point of cumming (in the videos) was never a big issue for me.

Second, with you beeing in charge with what he is allowed to do and what not is it even possible for you two to have sexual attraction ? I dont want to raise anymore problems but for me such a situation would be much like a mother telling her child what to do and what not.Clearly he has a lot less experience about relationship and sex than you have.Maybe thats a problem too ?

And please do disgress I would be more than happy to try to give you my opinion on your eye opening things if you like because if the focus of attention shifts away a little from my own situation i dont mind, you know

I think you misread. I don't control what he does in the bedroom. The problem is, I *don't* and if I did perhaps we'd have longer-term success. When WE decide that masturbation does harm and we shouldn't allow it and then either I urge him or he does it on his own, we're both complicit. I don't stop him because I don't want to -- I want him to cum. That's what I meant when I said, I can't not let him cum.

We both have different experiences in relationships that's for sure. And I'm more emotionally astute. But he's gaining ground very quickly, especially lately. He's becoming more and more open and honest with both himself and me.

BTW, the vibe thing works just fine on my husband and he's a big guy. So maybe you need a more powerful one. Your resistance is interesting to me in that it feels like you're making excuses not to try new things with your GF. I would think you'd be more than willing to try new things and to work through the period where the newness itself is distracting.

Have you tried anal on her? You might get more sensation.