Retarded Ejaculation - The Partner's Perspective/Discussion

so daschol, do you really think someone candy coating the truth is going to help anyone?

Further, my husband is in a loving long-term and commited relationship. In part, he is here because he's been willing to help himself.

A man who trained himself up wrong can change that training. I don't know that it will ever be 100%, but I do know that it will be better to the point where he can sustain a relationship without a lot of angst. (There will be angst. The man's guilt and the woman's self-doubt will cause angst. But this is angst that's livable for the right couple.)

You guys can do it.

There are situations that aren't caused by porn/masturbation and they're going to be more difficult. But again, none of them will be solved by lying or hiding. You have to share with a woman and hope to find someone who will stick it out with you. At best you're buying time with anyone you can't do that with. It probably makes things worse in the long run.

I love my husband. I won't lie and say that it is always easy or perfect when it comes to sex. Sometimes it is downright disappointing. But the day I leave him is the day I die.

So daschol can squawk all he likes. If his GF or wife want to show up and suggest how I'm wrong, they're free to. But he may not have noticed but this is a forum for PARTNERS. It ain't all about him.

I've been reading just about everything I can find on retarded ejaculation, and yet I can not find one clear view from the woman's perspective. YES it makes her feel insulted...but its more than that! RE distroyed my marriage - my whole 11 months of marriage...It got to such a terrible cycle that it cant be repaired. If I had to 'diagnose' my husband - I would say he has RE, (addiction) to masturbation and porn and adult attachment disorder. He just cant share any part of himself!!!
It started on our wedding night and yes it made me confused and dissappointed. HE didnt know he had it.I had to tell him its not normal to only cum when you masturbate and not when you have sex...finally when he acknowledged it I was already damaged...But we worked at it! No more masturbation and no more porn, i was the replacement - so needless to say HE FELT trapped...started blaming me....and i started feeling worthless. I did everything a woman can do! I am extremely sexy, but I felt not good enough. I lost more weight - I strip teased - I was seductive and adventurous...he loved it!!! BUT it was NEVER good enough to make him cum! IF ME at my best and most sexy cant even make him cum...i dont know what can! I tried everything - it broke my self image - my ego - and then i stopped trying! It changed me into someone I didnt want to be! I loved being sexy and most men just wanted sex from me most of the time - but now my husband cant even find me good enough...
So I was broken - and in turn it tore him apart...I tried to explain to him that I need his help to re-build my confidence...but I was never important enough for him! By the time he could cum inside me...I couldnt and didnt want sex from him anymore, I felt ugly, worthless, defeated and useless!!! Sometimes I just wanted to feel wanted - for someone to rip my clothes off and adore every part of me...He chose porn and masturbation above me...I ended up in hospital after taking an overdose of asprin...that was 20 days ago...and I am in the middle of a divorce now.
I might have given too much of myself to him - but I am not a person who can love half-heartedly!
I am sad that he couldnt love me in return and really share his life with me! Let GO of porn, masturbation, attachment issues and just be ONE with me!!! This might be to the extreme - but RE does more damage to the other partner than you selfish men think!!!

The effect of certain medications to delay ejaculation can help to build confidence before psychological therapies are used. In time, the man can be taught not to fear his arousal and to attend to other sensations. Once achieved, many men can be weaned off medication completely.

I have a question for all the partners (i mean wifes and girlfriends) posting here: From what i read in your posts some if not all of you would want the partner to speak the truth e.g. in my case that i not only cant come from sex but that it doenst give me much "release of tension" and pleasure.But that i nevertheless want to have sex with her because i love and desire her, i am really horny about her and that I in fact have the strong need and urge to have sex with her but unfortunately it wont do anything for me.

I thought it might be hard to bear for a woman if she knows her partner desires her emotionally AND sexually but cant get anything out of the sexual part and it sure does suck big time for me but would she want to know that nevertheless? So far I "sugarcoated it" leaving the "I suffer from that situation/it sucks" out of it. I told her that it had never worked for me in my life and that it has nothing to do with her.

So you are telling me now its better to be absolutlely blunt about this? On a sidenote, i tried a lot to solve it already and i described my situation in an own thread so no replies in that direction please.

Morti out

Where to start? Was going to with an 'exploration' of 'tabloid' username......later. Computer broken so am obsessing on a phone here!

THANK YOU to the website, moderaters & especially, IMPORTANTLY, contributors -- everyone who's made this excellent source what it is. Priceless, rare insight that has greatly relieved mental/emotional anguish. Through information allowing recognition, understanding, compassion, acceptance.....and has not failed to heal! That is, somewhat, compared to the anything-but-bliss prior ignorance. The sharing of those who have/do the hard yards is golden. Like just naming confusion is huge.

Learning so much; heaps resonates with his/my experience. Can relate &/or at least empathise with lots of what EVERYONE contributes - deeply from the heart,as it is.

The quandry? Have never been near the breadths/depths of wanting/needing to tap my own healing breakthoughs IN ORDER to assist a man to do same. However he's rejected the journey/me, surprise, surprise.

Best regards,

My boyfriend suffers from retarded/delayed ejaculation and he only ejaculates every third time we have sex or so. This can be incredibly frustrating for me because I find extreme sexual excitement in being able to make a man cum. I have never been with a man with this problem before and I'm not quite sure exactly HOW to approach my boyfriend about it. I'm worried that bringing this up to him may lead to performance aniexty thus making it even harder for him to ejaculate and potentially worsen his condition. I need to discuss this issue with him and narrow down what's causing it so I can work with him to fix it. I'm more than willing to be patient with him regarding this but I really just don't know how to approach him about it. Any suggestions?

very difficult ...most men dont want to talk about it much.And even if they do (like me back then) thats no guarantee that you will find a solution.so i guess you both are together for some time now and the problem didnt solve itself ? Because sometimes thats a problem if you know each other not well enough at the beginning.But if it stays even after several months of a relationship than chances are not that good that there is an easy solution.He seems to be lucky though, because i would be very happy if i could come a third of the times so maybe there is hope for you both

How to approach that subject..hm..you could try to start with some carefull questions like "has it always been that way ..etc" trying to get him to tell you his story.If i take my story and history with that problem as starting point: I was very willing to talk about it as long as i was searching for a solution.Since i have given up about that (except for some miracle) i am more thightlipped about it now.Talked to death about it with my ex and several close friends.But maybe he is still fresh concerning solutions and if he really wants that relationship to work and you let him know that "leaving it be as it is" is not a solution then he might willingly cooperate.The hard part is getting a solution once both are working on it....but like i said its very atypical for retarded Ejaculation to even be able to come that much as he is able so maybe its really only a mild case of "letting go".

I wish you both luck.
morti out

I've been away a long time but came across the bookmark when I was poking around my system...

Morti, if you're still out there, I'll try to answer your question from my own perspective. I certainly can't speak for all women but...

Morti wrote:I have a question for all the partners (i mean wifes and girlfriends) posting here: From what i read in your posts some if not all of you would want the partner to speak the truth e.g. in my case that i not only cant come from sex but that it doenst give me much "release of tension" and pleasure.But that i nevertheless want to have sex with her because i love and desire her, i am really horny about her and that I in fact have the strong need and urge to have sex with her but unfortunately it wont do anything for me.

I thought it might be hard to bear for a woman if she knows her partner desires her emotionally AND sexually but cant get anything out of the sexual part and it sure does suck big time for me but would she want to know that nevertheless? So far I "sugarcoated it" leaving the "I suffer from that situation/it sucks" out of it. I told her that it had never worked for me in my life and that it has nothing to do with her.

So you are telling me now its better to be absolutlely blunt about this? On a sidenote, i tried a lot to solve it already and i described my situation in an own thread so no replies in that direction please.

Morti out

I think that the known is certainly better than the unknown. The imagined is typically worse than the truth. In this case, the truth is difficult to understand, however. You feel the urge/need/desire to have sex with her so you are attracted and aroused, but it does nothing for you? Absolutely nothing? Or is that an overstatement? Do you mean that it doesn't provide you with any physical pleasure or that it doesn't provide you with enough pleasure to get to release... Or that because it doesn't get you to release, you can't appreciate whatever physical pleasure it does provide?

I hope you're still out there because it might help if we can figure out what it is you really mean. And if it is as I both hope and suspect, you're being very black and white and not exploring the grey areas enough.

If you are saying exactly what you mean, that the act of sex provides nothing for you, I guess it would really depend on where the rest of the relationship. Yes, absolutely, it would be difficult for me to take. A large part of me would be wondering "why bother?" and would have difficulty enjoying myself if it were solely for my own benefit as a great deal of sex is about the mutual sharing of pleasuring one another. So my initial reaction would probably suck.

HOWEVER... Consider a situation where a couple has been together for years and years and over that time, with age and who knows what else, the woman's libido has been reduced and her enthusiasm for sex has diminished sufficiently that she doesn't really desire sex all that much. But, because she loves her husband, she continues to have sex with him. I've talked with many men in this situation and they complain about wanting to be wanted, desired, etc. Understandable. We all want that. But what their wives are doing is LOVING. If they are doing it grudgingly, that's a different matter. But if they are doing it because they love their husband, why not see that side instead?

And I think that's the way I'd talk to someone about it if I were in your shoes. Sex is a lot more than the genitals.

I would probably ask you if there were something you'd rather be doing than having sex, or at least the kind of sex we were having. Would you prefer a backrub? IOW, what could I do that would in some way, substitute so that I could give you pleasure? It won't make up for sex because sex is special. But maybe we can find something that works for both of us...

And I'd want to know why you felt a desire to make love even if it did nothing for you. What is that desire exactly? Is it just the desire to cum, even if you're not going to get there with her? If that's the case, I'd wonder at what point it would become totally frustrating and pointless to not just me, but you and I'd wonder when the relationship would become sexless with you doing your own thing... I'd be very afraid of that if I loved you and wanted to stay with you. I'd also wonder if masturbating together might at least provide you with the release that you desire and that if doing it with me while I hold you and stroke you and kiss you and show you that I love you, if that'd be enough for you...

We'd struggle with words and meaning. We'd struggle with insecurity and with the strength of the relationship. We'd wonder what else is out there that is better (not a nice thing to say, but I can tell you I have certainly thought about other men and leaving or "supplementing" -- my husband is aware of this and it hurts, but he understands). I'd really need you to not be effusive (or stupid - staring, making noises, etc.) about other women in front of me because being unable to get your husband (or BF) off harms your self-image something fierce.

All of that said, I suspect that you really don't mean it won't do ANYTHING for you. It just doesn't do everything it needs to...

If you're still around, let's kick this around.

DeliciousMuffins wrote:My boyfriend suffers from retarded/delayed ejaculation and he only ejaculates every third time we have sex or so. This can be incredibly frustrating for me because I find extreme sexual excitement in being able to make a man cum. I have never been with a man with this problem before and I'm not quite sure exactly HOW to approach my boyfriend about it. I'm worried that bringing this up to him may lead to performance aniexty thus making it even harder for him to ejaculate and potentially worsen his condition. I need to discuss this issue with him and narrow down what's causing it so I can work with him to fix it. I'm more than willing to be patient with him regarding this but I really just don't know how to approach him about it. Any suggestions?

Just do it. There is no good way to have this conversation except as being from the point of view of someone who cares about him.

The alternative is to not talk to him and eventually leave him. If you talk to him you have the opportunity to save the relationship and if nothing else, to help him to talk about it. I'm sure he knows he's got a problem but is afraid to talk to YOU about it. So break the ice for him.

And yes, things will probably get worse before they get better. That's just the way it is. A lot more of the important things in life are like that than people want to believe. Growth and relationships require a certain amount of covering your eyes and jumping into the abyss.

If you're still around : Wingadingding, how old are you both?

If I had to guess, I'd guess that you are both young and that he is extremely immature. And that is what destroyed your marriage. It wasn't the RE, per se, but a lack of tools/resources on his part because he was young and in denial. It was more frightening for him to look at himself and his behaviors than it was to blame you and make you the scapegoat.

And it didn't have to be this particular problem that drove your marriage to this point, either. It could have been anything. Drinking. Job loss. Not helping around the house...

But I will also say that 11 months isn't a long time to be married and there are other pressures and problems in a young married couple's life so that this on top of it all, was probably simply too much.

I'm also wondering if the two of you are Christians. I have no firm evidence of this but in reading Christian forums, men there seem to be the biggest liars on the planet, denying their porn use prior to marriage (because they're saving themselves and because porn is evil) and then marrying knowing full they have incredible expectations of sex because they've been feeding those expectations secretly all along. They've destroyed their ability to relate to the seemingly "dull" reality of sex with a partner but can't admit it.

wingadingding wrote:I've been reading just about everything I can find on retarded ejaculation, and yet I can not find one clear view from the woman's perspective. YES it makes her feel insulted...but its more than that! RE distroyed my marriage - my whole 11 months of marriage...It got to such a terrible cycle that it cant be repaired. If I had to 'diagnose' my husband - I would say he has RE, (addiction) to masturbation and porn and adult attachment disorder. He just cant share any part of himself!!!
It started on our wedding night and yes it made me confused and dissappointed. HE didnt know he had it.I had to tell him its not normal to only cum when you masturbate and not when you have sex...finally when he acknowledged it I was already damaged...But we worked at it! No more masturbation and no more porn, i was the replacement - so needless to say HE FELT trapped...started blaming me....and i started feeling worthless. I did everything a woman can do! I am extremely sexy, but I felt not good enough. I lost more weight - I strip teased - I was seductive and adventurous...he loved it!!! BUT it was NEVER good enough to make him cum! IF ME at my best and most sexy cant even make him cum...i dont know what can! I tried everything - it broke my self image - my ego - and then i stopped trying! It changed me into someone I didnt want to be! I loved being sexy and most men just wanted sex from me most of the time - but now my husband cant even find me good enough...
So I was broken - and in turn it tore him apart...I tried to explain to him that I need his help to re-build my confidence...but I was never important enough for him! By the time he could cum inside me...I couldnt and didnt want sex from him anymore, I felt ugly, worthless, defeated and useless!!! Sometimes I just wanted to feel wanted - for someone to rip my clothes off and adore every part of me...He chose porn and masturbation above me...I ended up in hospital after taking an overdose of asprin...that was 20 days ago...and I am in the middle of a divorce now.
I might have given too much of myself to him - but I am not a person who can love half-heartedly!
I am sad that he couldnt love me in return and really share his life with me! Let GO of porn, masturbation, attachment issues and just be ONE with me!!! This might be to the extreme - but RE does more damage to the other partner than you selfish men think!!!