Retarded Ejaculation - Your Introduction and Story

I think it's time for me to post my story.

I'm 27 years old and also suffer from RE. Reading through this thread brings both tears of joy and sadness to my eyes. Happy to find the ONLY serious/extensive discussion of this problem anywhere on the internet and sad because after 70 pages of discussions, it's quite apparent how hard this problem is to tackle. It makes me want to quite my job and dedicate the rest of my life to solving this puzzle for all men. I'm glad someone started a blog, I'm going to visit that next.

In any case...

Up till 2 months ago I had never ejaculated in the presence of a woman through any means whatsoever (even self-masturbation). As with most of the men here, I have absolutely no problem climaxing alone, whether it's with porn, my imagination, condom/no-condom, right-hand, left-hand, whatever. The usual ritual works best but with a little effort any type of friction works. But things are different when you're with a partner. An earlier poster explained it best when he said that it's very much like what it feels like when you can't pee because people are watching.

It's hard to explain what a tough problem this is to live with, as you end up pushing women away and never having long-term relationships. At least that's what happened to me. You have all these fantasies in your head and you can't act them out, because the instance you actually get into bed with someone, your rational brain and anxieties take over and your animal instincts and libido get suppressed.

Anyway, 2 months ago I came across this forum and decided it was time to try and "fix myself". I tried several of the techniques mentioned here, saw a therapist, even almost tried surrogate sexual therapy (that's where you relearn how to have sex with a surrogate partner that's fully understanding). The shrink went over the usual stuff ("you're afraid to have kids", "you are suppressing your sexuality", "you think too much about what the other thinks", "you've conditioned yourself with masturbation", "intimacy issues" etc).

All his points made sense to one degree or another, but I kept asking him "so I agree, but HOW do we fix the problem". He said you just have to talk about it until it dips into your subconscious, and that you really want to solve your problem. I couldn't believe that would ever happen, it just seemed so remote.

While undergoing this therapy I decided I needed "field practice" as well so I scheduled some sessions with (hopefully clean) sex workers. The first couple of times I had no success but the third time around I had an epiphany.

When I met the girl (a complete stranger), I sat her down and very directly told her: "I have a sexual problem and I want to see if you can help me. I can't seem to ejaculate when I'm with women any more. I'm unlikely to do so today, but I just wanted to get that out of the way so I can concentrate on having fun".

And would you believe it... 5 minutes into vaginal intercourse (missionary-style), I suddenly kinda zoned out. I forgot about what I was trying to accomplish. I looked at the girl. Realized I was having sex with her (sounds stupid but some men will understand) and voila.. I came for the first time. And it was vaginal intercourse, not even a hand job or me masturbating in front of a woman. Aside for the zoning out bit, another thing I noticed was that my penis felt less numb than usual when I was having sex with her.

I repeated this success story a couple of times since, but then had a couple of failures (telling the girl seems to have a lot to do with it), but I am hopeful for the future. The latter occasions I ended up closing my eyes and masturbating myself to climax. The final occasion was a complete failure. So masturbating with your eyes closed (some other men mentioned being able to do this with a woman but nothing else) is an in-between state I believe. A semi-success. Being with a woman does not stop you from cumming but only if you shut her off completely from your mind. This does not make for great sex though and we should strive for the full deal.

To summarize, if you're a guy out there who is not lucky enough to have an understanding girlfriend to experiment with, you MAY want to try my formula:

- decrease porn/masturbation
- talk to someone (post here or talk to a therapist) for a month about the problem. It doesn't FEEL like it helps but I think it does do eventually.
- hire a sex worker (be safe) and tell her beforehand about your problem. She's not a therapist obviously but get someone who speaks english and just quickly go over it over a glass of wine. She doesn't have to respond, you just have to get it out of your system.
- just relax and do whatever you feel like doing. I know we're taught not to objectify women, but in this case, please do. It's all about you.

For those who do have a girlfriend, there may still be a benefit of trying a sex worker if you are getting nowhere. The reason is that you may be successful because you don't care what a sex worker thinks, and if this is the case you'll learn something about your problem and perhaps you can transfer it to your real relationships.

I plan to post an update in a few months. I'm going to start seeing my therapist again and I'm going to try transferring my limited success to a real loving relationship.

The trouble with RE is that it is extremely complicated and often baffles the experts. Most sex therapists are woefully ignorant when diagnosing and treating RE. Most are stuck with the outmoded theories of Masters and Johnson or Helen Kaplan all of whom basically believed that RE was some sort of religious or anger issue.

My problems started when I first started having sex at 15. I found that the first few sexual encounters with any given woman would be fine but after that the RE would kick in. It wasn't as bad during the high school years probably because of a mixture of raging hormones and the fact that I only got to have sex with a girlfriend once a week if that. Back then it was a matter of finding the privacy to do it. In these circumstances I only had RE problems once in awhile, usually a few months rather than weeks or days (as was the case later in my life) into the relationship.

It wasn't until I moved into my own place and was free to have sex any time I wanted that the severity of the problem became apparent.

After half a dozen or so previous successful sexual encounters, I'd be in the middle of intercourse, not feeling anxious or stressed and feeling very aroused and suddenly a few minutes in it was like somebody turned off a switch. The first symptom was that my penis would suddenly start to feel numb, I couldn't feel anything. Within 10 seconds I'd go from horny and happy to a complete loss of desire for my partner. Sometimes I could keep going for a few more minutes but more often the certain knowledge that I wouldn't be able to finish would cause be to lose my erection and then it was game over.

And it is important to note that this would happen without any anticipatory anxiety whatsoever. It was always a bit of a shock/surprise when it would happen.

Looking back on those years it is interesting to note that I wasn't all that upset about the problem. What it felt like, and what I took the problem to be, was simply that I was easily bored sexually and the RE was simply my body's way of telling me it was time to move on to another partner, which I did. Basically I looked on it as a pain in the ass as it tended to ruin otherwise good relationships, but then again I wasn't looking for a wife so it was easy enough to find sex elsewhere.

It wasn't until I decided to get married in my late 30's that it became a serious problem. Having never thought about it much and never having sought any professional advice I thought that perhaps my wife and I could work out the problem.

And to make a very long and complicated story short the problem got so bad after the wedding that I was completely unable to become aroused by my wife and after awhile actually felt sexually repulsed by her. We were unable to have children the normal way and had to resort to a fertility doc who used artificial insemination to allow us to conceive.

Years of therapy- marital, sex, psychiatric and psychological were unable to help.

So now we find ourselves in a 15 year sexless marriage with two kids who we both agree we should stay together for.

The sad part is I have a perfectly good sex drive and like most men with RE am able to masturbate to orgasm alone with no problems at all. I've had a couple of short term affairs over the years and again no problems sexually, but then again few of these relationships lasted long enough to have more than a few sexual encounters so I have no idea if the old problem would have cropped up with these women.

I'm still trying to find answers but I expect many men with RE will see at least part of their problems reflected in my story.

One final word. When I have told my story in the past the first thing people think is that I am a repressed Gay man. Let me tell you I WISH it were that simple because if I was Gay there is no way I would be denying it and I'd be out there in a happy, sexually functional relationship with another guy. But I love women, always have, always will.

Forgive me if this was asked before but are you circumsised? Is your problem a lack of sensual sensitivity in the Glans? See my post in the "what causes it" thread regarding penile dorsal neurotomy. I think there are those on this board with legit psychological issues but others that have physical issues. The physical issue of possible nerve damage is especially upsetting in that there seemingly is not much that could be done in this time of medicine.

I am circumsized but let me assure you that like most men with this problem it is the psychological stage one of RE ( a lowered level of arousal) that is causing the lack of sensation. With new partners, one night stands and hookers I have LOTS of sensation and no RE.

Again, like most RE guys, my problem is situational and most likely caused by some kind of unknown stress reaction.

Although circumcision can, in rare cases be the cause of lack of penile sensation, this would be a "global" problem with the sufferer. In other words if the cause is physical the man would have the same lack of sensation with every partner every time and more importantly would also have a lack of sensation when masturbating. And by far the majority of men with RE, no matter how severe can easily and quickly ejaculate when masturbating alone.

This ability to ejaculate easily during solo masturbation is the foundation on which treatment of the less severe (and treatable) forms of RE is built.

Hi,well here goes..

**Firstly i'd like to continue on the point you have made Gin.I find it incredible,when you see how many people actually suffer from this condition,there is hardly any help to be found online,and i believe this to be the only forum covering the subject..And I found it just by luck!.**

Ok.Im a healthy 27 year old male,and I have always had this condition,and for the life of me I have no idea why I suffer from it.I had am amazing childhood,never had any negative feelings towards sex from my parents,have always been very healthy,never been prescribed ANY medication,have been checked up by a Urologist who says everything looks normal down there!Has never had any problems meeting or hooking up with girls...

However,i have only ejaculated once from vaginal intercourse..I have all the symptons described on these forums,a feeling of numbness,slight uncomfort whilst having sex,and can't do what feels like 99% of other guys out there can..

I can however,whilst being with my ex,masturbate in front of her to climax,recieve a handjob from her to climax,and sometimes even from a BJ...however when ever it came to Vaginal intercourse,it never happened.,,and this has been the case through out my sexual life.

Last winter I decided I needed to get proffesional help,so I was referred by my doctor to see a Urologist...Which i now realise was a complete waste of time,,after I explaind my symptons to him..He said I should be HAPPY and feel LUCKY that I cant orgasm from vaginal intercourse,,and that he would trade it it he had the chance,,Which ofcourse I realise was was a scandolous thing to say..

Im at breaking point actually....dont know what else to do...hopefully ill find something of intrest on these forums..

TAke care

Pat

My problem with RE began when I was married. I had never had any problem ejaculating inside of a woman, either vaginally or orally until I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I tried to work on the marriage and she initially agreed to try and make it work. However, it was doomed to fail and I became progressively less able to achieve an ejaculation. Even with months or years between sexual encounters between us, I had great difficulty ejaculating. It finally reached the point where ejaculation became completely impossible. Needless to say, my RE made the chance of repairing my marriage an impossibility.

I have been divorced since 2000 and I have avoided dating again specifically because of my RE. I also feel like it has gotten worse since I now have great difficulty masturbating to completion. I have been with one woman since my divorce and I was unable to cum with her. I was very embarrassed and I think she was also. We never got together again.

I no longer masturbate much. I did rely on pornography as an aid to masturbating after my divorce and all of the information here suggests that I may have made my situation worse. But the problem is that I sometimes have a desperate need to relieve my sexual needs and masturbation is my only option.

It appears that there really isn't anything that can be done for me, but I am very happy to have found this forum. Reading that other men face this same unspoken problem at least makes me feel less alone.

Hi All

I just came across this website and am so grateful I have. I am dating a man whom I believe has RE. We have been dating for 2 years and has always had problems with coming, but more so as of late. I am in my late 40s and he is 50. We started dating and went out all through high school. Twenty five + years later after both of us divorced with adult children, we are back together. He is truly the most wonderful man I have ever met, and neither of us ever got over each other. He truly is the love of my life and it is reciprocal. We have so much fun together. I cannot tell you how crazy I am about him, and feel like this whole thing is just a gift from heaven.

We have had a very active sex life, and I had noticed that he didn't come all the time when we had sex, but I never said anything, or put any pressure on him like he had to peform the act of coming. He is very caring and so terrific in so many ways, I just figured no one comes everytime while having sex anyway, so no big deal. However, I have noticed especially in the last few weeks he hasn't come at all, and there has been no intiation of sex, except if its on my part. He is a very quiet person and keeps a lot of his emotions to himself. Also for the last 12 years of his marriage there was no sex at all, so I assume he just took care of business on his own. He recently took a big position with his company which is a high stress level.

We have talked about masturbation, but only from my end, never discussing if he does or doesn't, but in the past week I have noticed alot of old tissues in the wastebasket next to his bed, which I know he is masturbating into. At first I was a little freaked out, because I began to feel like it was my fault, I wasn't doing the job, and I was sad, frustrated, and hurt. After reading so many messages, I realized I needed to get over myself and be a supportive, patient, and loving girlfriend. I will do anything to make this man happy. I guess what advice I seek is how to go about this without screwing this relationship up. I will stand by him regardless if he never comes in me again. However it would be great if we could work on this together as a couple. I just am not sure how to bring this up and how not to freak him out. It just feels good to be able to say wite this out right now and know that this potential problem has a name. Any suggestions would be so appreciated.

Hi, I'm new here and I'm just now experiencing for the first time in my life RE. I'm 33 years old, I was single for about 5 years after a long term relationship in my twenties which was horrible. I am very happy with my current situation with my new girl. But I fear that this issue I am having will eventually affect my relationship.

I've never had this problem before until now. Now in the time that I was single I did masturbate most every night before bed to some porn. And I did have some sexual intercourse between my relationship in my 20's and now and didn't have that issue.

I have GAD and take doctor prescribed xanax as needed for anxiety. I have talked to my doctor about this issue and his stance was that it was the medication and to not take any up to 12 hours before intercourse. I can manually finish, but when it comes to sex I just can't seem to have an orgasm even after waiting 12 hours between my doses.

So I'm trying to find some answers. I do have a doctors appt here in the next couple of weeks.

ou1975 wrote:Hi, I'm new here and I'm just now experiencing for the first time in my life RE. I'm 33 years old, I was single for about 5 years after a long term relationship in my twenties which was horrible. I am very happy with my current situation with my new girl. But I fear that this issue I am having will eventually affect my relationship.

I've never had this problem before until now. Now in the time that I was single I did masturbate most every night before bed to some porn. And I did have some sexual intercourse between my relationship in my 20's and now and didn't have that issue.

I have GAD and take doctor prescribed xanax as needed for anxiety. I have talked to my doctor about this issue and his stance was that it was the medication and to not take any up to 12 hours before intercourse. I can manually finish, but when it comes to sex I just can't seem to have an orgasm even after waiting 12 hours between my doses.

So I'm trying to find some answers. I do have a doctors appt here in the next couple of weeks.

Do you have a history of taking meds? Esp any SSRI anti-depressans like prozac or paxil or maybe a drug like Imiprine???

If so, this could why you have RE.

My RE started when I was a teen taking Prozac and never went away until recently even when not taking the meds... it remained for a long time!

hi all,

I have had this problem all my life, losing my virginity took three hours to "conclude", in those days orgasm in a woman was a rare event but did still happen once in a while. Usually early morning sessions were the most successful, after a good nights sleep and if I was relaxed enough. It hasn't happened for me now in twelve years, but then I pretty much gave up on sex years ago. No level of arousal helps, even if I abstain all manual release for a week I still cannot orgasm in the presence of a partner, during intercourse, fellatio, or "manual" manipulation.
It does tend to allow you to forget about your own release while love making and concentrate on your lover, one silver lining I guess.