Incestuous thoughts about my mother

Recently, I've been having thoughts that have seriously given me pause. I absolutely despise my mother, and finally got out of her house last year. It was the best thing that had happened to me in years. Thoughts of her, however, still lingered. I figured this was natural for someone who had just escaped a toxic relationship. I started having dreams of being stuck living with her again; while that was unsettling, I talked about it with some friends and they've more or less ceased (in the nightmarish sense, anyway...). Then, I started to have very sexual dreams of her. These were dreams wherein the two of us actually consented, and not nightmarish in the least bit. I was open-minded enough to accept that I had an Oedipus Complex to some degree (the porn I consume will readily confirm that), but that was a bit strange for me. I recalled the dreams while awake, but didn't really feel anything, so I shrugged it off and went about my life. But then, one day, I actually had sincerely sexual thoughts about my mother and got very aroused by them. I tried to make them go away, until I finally broke and started masturbating to those thoughts. I'm very lost as to how I should feel about this.

Hello and welcome!

Well you're not alone in having sexual dreams about your mother; I'm male, or what passes for it for me; I've done it too. I've tried intentionally entertaining it as a fantasy but that's one of those things it's like I guess you had to be there in the dream for it to have much real-world appeal. Both titillating and 'ew' at the same time.

Seeing as there's a love/hate thing going on, I wonder if this is your brain trying to... I don't know, put lipstick on a pig? You've resented your mom, but part of you surely misses being around her.

And after entertaining the notion, perhaps this is just being excited by the taboo- I think a lot of us have at least some attraction for taboo subjects.

If this turns into a genuine paraphilia, we'll have to end the conversation I'm afraid- paraphilias including fetish are unfortunately no longer a subject we can explore in PF- there's a lot of threads in the locked Paras forum, however, that you're free to peruse to see if any of it resonates with you. As for myself, posts that seem to straddle the line are up to moderator discretion, and I'm not convinced this is actually a fetish for you. It's been said there's a fine line sometimes between love and hate- I don't know if that's because they can both be such strong emotions, or what. And.. I don't know. In a way, this might be some way of either having revenge. Or reclaiming the love you don't feel from your mom. That's expressing itself sexually. And again- mix a little Taboo into it and it becomes exciting.