Sexual assault survivor planned meetup w/ former rapist

I'm new to posting. So, I'm not even sure if this is the correct forum to post to.

TBH I don't know what I'm doing . I get so confused sometimes...

I'm a victim of sexual assault (20s, F). I met an admitted, remorseful self-identified rapist (20s,M) online. Our conversations were cathartic for me. I'd never told anyone about the assault(s). And I'd had so many questions. What was it about me that attracted predators, etc. Talking anonymously to counselors didn't help me. I didn't like how they told me nothing I did was wrong. Something about it felt uncomfortable. Its like I wanted answers not coddling. (NO DISRESPECT to the lovely people helping other sexual assault victims!) But this guy provided those answers in a caring, comforting, straight forward way.

I know right now a lot readers are rolling their eyes and will immediately condemn him. The things he did (which he confessed to me) were bad. I will not argue that. He knows it too. And has never tried to justify any of it. He's actually very hard on himself. He's a smart, kind guy and was so confused and racked by guilt about his actions. Still doesn't understand why he did what he did. But he had been looking for a way to do something good with his life and for others to make up for the few years he was violating females' trust.

But we bonded. We became friends. Confidantes. And gradually more-- in an emotional sense. It felt good to talk about what had happened and to have it met with such compassion and insight. And he felt the same, to finally confess his guilt and offer me whatever support or answers he could.

As a result of the things that happened to me over several years I began to have these urges that were dark and ugly. I've had them for years now. Without going into specifics-- they are essentially rape fantasies. But my fantasies didn't come with a safeword. It was like I wanted to re-live my trauma for some reason. I know, I know... its sick. Bad. Confusing. I even posted about it once--about how I didn't understand why I wanted to be "hurt" "forced to do things", etc.

Anyway, this guy eventually admitted that type of stuff still appealed to him even though he understood that it was rape and would never engage in it. He was ashamed to admit it. And admitted that I scared him because I presented temptation-- someone he could exercise these darker desires on. And I was nervous because I'd found someone who would do it.

I don't have any sexual experience that wasn't forced. And he doesn't want to traumatize me but I've agreed to travel to him for a weekend. Not his place! A hotel. But (on my suggestion) no safe word.

I know this is all twisted. I already know I will be all PTSD with him from the first touch (like I have been with other guys in the past). And I know I don't have to be ashamed of it with him because he's admitted that it turns him on. I also know that he may rape me that weekend. But is that what I want? Why am I doing this? What do I hope to glean from this experience? Will it be therapeutic? Will I "feel better" afterwards and be able to move on with my life? Or will I be traumatized? I'm so confused. But I feel I NEED to do this. And I NEED to do it this way-- to safe words, no control, no way to stop what might happen to me.

eek!!!!!

alright, i'll try my best to unravel this a little.

firstly, it's not remotely unusual for women to have rape fantasies. and there's a very good reason for this. the act of rape absolves them from being responsible for their sexual desires. in other words, if a woman thinks of sex as being in some way dirty, being raped means that she wasn't responsible for being dirty as that dirtiness was forced upon her. consequently, being freed of the guilt of being sexual, she's then more able to enjoy the imaginary act of sexual intercourse.

you were raped. you struggle to see yourself just as a victim. and you're deeply confused about your experience. so deeply confused that you're willing to try and re-live it all in the hope that you might gain some better understanding.

please try to stand back from this situation and think really deeply about what you're intent on doing. this isn't, to me, a healthy sexual relationship. i fear it will only serve to further traumatise you and confuse in your mind sexual abuse with sexual gratification.

Thank you so much for your advice.

You're right about so much of it. And yes, I do feel very confused. I trust this guy. That's never really been the issue. But I'm not sure I trust myself?

There's a part of me that is "normal" and just wants to hangout with him as friends and maybe a little more. We've talked about it. He understands that my response to ANY physical intimacy (touching, kissing, etc) will not be normal. At best I will become tense and feel small and twelve all over again. At worse... I'm not sure what that looks like. I just know there is a worse. But most likely, from previous make out sessions with 2 previous guys, I'm most likely (outwardly) to start trembling, freeze up and become verbally unresponsive. Inwardly, my heart will race, my breathing will speed up and I will feel nothing but panic and the need to escape-- even if I WANT to be there and WANT to be doing these things. My body betrays me These reactions are so embarrassing and upsetting to me. I don't want to have to tell every guy I'm with that "this may happen and if it does don't freak out b/c you haven't done anything wrong. Its just me being a freak."

This guy understands why this response happens. And in advance he is accepting of it. That gives me comfort. I know, I know that there are plenty of understanding guys out there that weren't rapists and have wives/gfs who respond the same way. I've read their posts. And these men all seem sad and feel helpless to make the women in their lives feel better. I don't want to be the cause of that for anyone. I don't want to make anyone I care about feel bad. I've made this guy assure me that this type of response won't make him feel bad. I can't handle that any more.

But anyway, that normal part of me wants to be able to be physically close and not feel that shame from my "fight or flight' response.

But the not so "normal" part of me sometimes wants something different. Every few weeks...I guess when I am triggered (by what, i can't always tell) I will go through a cycle-- 1) extreme anxiety 2) compulsively searching the web for "answers" to not fully formed questions 3) Darker sexual thoughts/urges/feelings 4) Depression. This usually happens over the course of about 1-2 weeks then I'm fine. But those darker sexual thoughts which I won't detail in this public post, are why I think I don't mind meeting up with this guy. I KNOW there is a chance he may assault me. I know there is a part of him that still likes the feel of it and a part of him that despises himself for it. And yet I am drawn to that type of treatment when I'm "cycling". During this time the need to be treated badly like that is overwhelming. And like you mentioned in your post... maybe that's what i need? Traumatic as it maybe be... maybe that's what I need to feel better? To re-live it. We've also talked this over which is why we decided on no safeword. I have these dark feelings and so does he. But to not feel in control-- that vulnerable feeling--- not scripted or role play... sometimes I just feel perhaps it would fix me

Or perhaps we're both just screwed up and are about to engage on something that could be traumatic for both of us and ruin both of our recoveries. On a different site someone suggested that we are in an unhealthy enabling friendship.

I'm sorry for how convoluted and gross of a response this has been. I'm just really confused about what I want and need. And WHY i feel i want/need to do experience these things.

Thank you in advance to for any responses from the forum community.

DesperatelySearching wrote:Or perhaps we're both just screwed up and are about to engage on something that could be traumatic for both of us and ruin both of our recoveries. On a different site someone suggested that we are in an unhealthy enabling friendship.

... sorry but this gets my vote.

you know how an atomic bomb works - you get two hemispheres of radioactive material and throw them together to get a critical mass and ... BOOM!!!

that, to me, is what you're doing here. sure this is going to be exciting but the fall-out is potentially going to be absolutely horrendous. fear and sex can be a lethal cocktail. and the "no safe word" bit is just plain suicidal. honestly, i just wouldn't do it if i were you. i'm not sure what else to tell you.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for caring.I truly appreciate it. It feels good to talk about it with someone. I'm not sure what to do. This guy is a really a nice person. And we are actual friends. Are you saying we can't even be friends? Or can we? And how would that work it? There IS an attraction between us. Can neither of us ever be in a relationship again-- or just not with each other? Is it just something that we will have to be conscious of and not act on?

But I think I'll always present temptation to him since he knows about these bad feeling I have sometimes which would allow him to do bad things and I wouldn't do anything about it. Can we just attempt to be friends and see how it goes? I'm sure there is a conversation that would need to be had but how would that go? What do we discuss?

I've scoured the web trying to find others that might be in a similar situation but nada

Also, he IS incredibly respectful. I'm like 80 percent sure if I set perameters about what I'm ok with that he would respect it. He's said as much and has never pressured me. He gets upset when I "cycle". But I am also aware that I would be the first female he's had and physical contact with since he removed himself from the dating/hooking up scene about 3 years ago. And that is why I'm only 80 percent sure.

DesperatelySearching wrote:Thank you for taking the time to respond and for caring.I truly appreciate it. It feels good to talk about it with someone. I'm not sure what to do. This guy is a really a nice person. And we are actual friends. Are you saying we can't even be friends? Or can we? And how would that work it? There IS an attraction between us. Can neither of us ever be in a relationship again-- or just not with each other? Is it just something that we will have to be conscious of and not act on?

... let me be clear. i'm not in the business of condemning anyone. we judge ourselves. so, the advice that i'm giving you isn't predicated on him being a bad person. my alarm bells are ringing because this is so obviously a mutually co-dependent relationship based on a mutually dysfunctional sexuality. think of it like this. sex is glue. it binds couples together. that's why it's so enjoyable. but it needs to be applied in the right way and with the right person. and, in my eyes, this relationship fails that test. this isn't the right way. and, if mutually dysfunctional sex is all that there is to this relationship, this isn't the right person either. a relationship, to be a good one, needs to be between people that admire and respect each other and are mutually supportive of each other. in other words, there needs to be something good on both sides to glue together. and gluing things together that are bad is very bad. at the moment, i'm struggling to see exactly what that something good is. so, i'm not saying that you can't be friends, however, i do think that you need to give some thought to what that friendship actually revolves around. as to how this would work, that's really up to you but most people bond over mutual aspirations or interests or just plain old cupid getting off a couple of good shots. there isn't a magic formula here. and i'm not going to even say that you can't have a relationship with this man but what i will say is that i strongly believe that it needs a much better foundation that this, and that will take time and effort on both your behaves to achieve.

DesperatelySearching wrote:But I think I'll always present temptation to him since he knows about these bad feeling I have sometimes which would allow him to do bad things and I wouldn't do anything about it. Can we just attempt to be friends and see how it goes? I'm sure there is a conversation that would need to be had but how would that go? What do we discuss?

... see what i mean. you don't really know this man. and you know it too. so, yes, you can just be friends. indeed, you really shouldn't, in my opinion, be thinking of having sex with someone who you don't see as a very good friend. the whole FB/FWB thing is insane, as far as i'm concerned. as to what you should say, just explain to him that you're not ready to have a sexual relationship with him just yet and that you'd like to be just friends and see how it goes from there. if he's as decent as you suggest, he'll be alright with that. if not, he was just intent on using you anyway and you should walk (if not run) away.

DesperatelySearching wrote:I've scoured the web trying to find others that might be in a similar situation but nada

... there won't be many people in your situation. few people that have been abused will happen across an abuser and venture down the road that you're on. like me, the alarm bells will go off in their heads and they won't ignore them, like you have.

DesperatelySearching wrote:Also, he IS incredibly respectful. I'm like 80 percent sure if I set perameters about what I'm ok with that he would respect it. He's said as much and has never pressured me. He gets upset when I "cycle". But I am also aware that I would be the first female he's had and physical contact with since he removed himself from the dating/hooking up scene about 3 years ago. And that is why I'm only 80 percent sure.

... a quick life lesson here. people can be incredibly adept at putting on an act to get what they want. so, you're saying that there's a 1 in 5 chance that he'll abuse you. are these the kind of odds that you'd be happy with when getting on a commercial aircraft. i was an aerospace engineer. the certification regulations mandate a less that 1 in 1,000,000 per flight hour chance of a catastrophic failure (hull loss or significant loss of life). i'd be aiming for at least a 95% confidence level, if not 98% to 99%. my mother used to say "you have to winter and summer a person before you can really know them", by which she meant that you have to know them through bad times as well as good. of "cycle", you might care to read 'once a month' by katharina dalton (ISBN 0-00-637727-0). i'm grasping at straws here, however, you might find something useful in it. and, by the way, the last time that i mentioned this book i got chased up a tree by some angry feminists.