Anorgasmia and insecure

I used to have vaginismus until I was around twenty. I wasn't aware of actually being sort of raped at sixteen. Now I still have anorgasmia. I was so scared of being abandoned for this, I have avoided a person i loved. Boys don't understand i'm even functioning with it. I don't feel like i should need orgasms at all. I enjoy sex a lot. Can anyone relate? If your partner had this, would you feel like you're missing out on something?

My wife has anorgasmia. I find it extremely difficult to cope with. I feel that I am wasting my time making love to her. She says she enjoys it and it's all 'fine'....but I have no way of believing that and see no sign that she actually enjoys it or finds me sexually attractive. So, yes, it is a major problem for the man !

Thank you for your honesty. It's what I was asking for. This person I talked about left me in the assumption that, because of my social anxiety, she thought I wasn't able to enjoy life. This wasn't true at all and until that point I was able to feel a lot of joy inside, even though I was also uncomfortable on the outside. I thought I almost figured out the problem with my anorgasmia, being able to reach some trance like stage. After her forcing me all the time to relax and enjoy I actually feel so stressed about it that I do have sexual frustration due to not being able to enjoy, and I have frustrations with laughing and humor and all kinds of stuff. She has done a lot to me, sort of ruined my life in many ways. I feel so sad, all the time when I'm trying to have a good time, I'm so consiously trying that I don't. She tried to do tricks to make me trust her blindly, which I did, but to her it was never enough. I had a lot of paranoia, it was stimulated by my therapist and I wasn't aware of it. I tried to befriend her, to ask the questions necessary for me to feel comfortable. One of them was not judging my nervousness and stop obsessing about it. I needed that. She just let me face it all alone and I developed psychotic traits. I don't know why she was so essential. I wanted to make her join, to tell her everything about it. Instead of that fear took over my life and then they said it were delusions, but I prefer to call the delusions the product of 'social deprivation.'

-- Sun Aug 27, 2017 9:36 pm --

Since I was sixteen, there was boys trying to talk me into it. I felt very forced. I was manipulated until I did have forced sex. The memory is suppressed. I really didn't want to because I knew about my anorgasmia. I wasn't in love with them. They kept on talking, about how I must have sexual feelings and how it was normal at my age.
I became obsessed with the problem of not being able to feel relaxed, so I had to talk about it although I did not want to share. Now it's like I'm back in time. Boys tell me all kinds of stupid things, like 'If you had orgasms, you would be able to handle emotions differently,'(is your wife hysterical or inappeasable in her character?) or 'If I was your partner, you would have had one right away.'
By the way she found out and did judge me for it, I feel sickened by women having orgasms. I don't like sex anymore, while I used to have a high sex drive. I have never accepted that those boys could have ruined my sex life by traumatising and 'practiced' my boundaries and trust with many boys until I was able to have a relationship. I was proud of that. I have never wanted to change it for myself, only for others.

She made very bad decisions about my son, based on this theme. She was some kind of guru like persona. She told me that being relaxed was an important thing in her "religion." She couldn't have pressured me more. I could have accepted this if I had read it somewhere and solving it on my own, but I instantly lost genuine interest in things that were by that time very important to me, that religion-thing, that made me very happy and I loved it, had no doubts. Fear doesn't make you a better person for sure, but at that time everything I ever did was for others and I tried to be really empathetic about it, and they turned out to be not of good will, really totally merciless.

-- Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:20 pm --

I sometimes just wanted to have fun without people commenting on my shyness, just all the ######6 time. Okay, I was scared, but I also did have fun and I did understand everything, I did have hobby's, friends, jobs, everything. People have been whining about relaxing, enjoying, over the top, yay, just enjoying life to the fullest, hurray, when I wasn't sad, so much that this is where I am now. I've had it.

I tried so hard not to show my paranoia, and when I trusted her enough to gently do so, she left.

I think it's poisonous to take fun seriously to the point where you go to hell if you take anything sort of seriously.

I am anorgasmic due to being sexually abused by my brother for about six years. I was in a long term relationship with a man that knew about this, and we did enjoy a healthy sex life for several years and luckily he understood,and knew II enjoyed sex with him. He did hope I would climax I think as much for me as for him but he never pressured me nor cause him to lose desire for me. Since that relationship ended I have not felt secure sharing my past with subsequent lovers and this has left me feeling embarrassed, inadequate and no longer dating as I am unable to climax, this is a big deal to men. I'd rather not put myself in that situation and as a result although I still fancy men my already low libido is almost non existent due to inactivity, embarrassment and now feelings of inexperience due to several years of avoiding sexual relationships. To answer your question, I'm 51 now and have ALWAYS felt that I'm missing out in my inability to reach orgasm and to be fair I believe some of my partners too. I would have been a better, possibly great lover to more of lovers and not have people wondering why a good looking woman like me has been single for so long. This is a big deal for me and I still hope that one day people like us suffering from this find their keys. My abuser has taken away my sexuality and I mourn it nearly every day. I cant face therapy for the abuse, I feel cheated1

Hi nonorgasmic1,
I could sense your frustration and have the same feeling. What happened to you is very traumatising and I understand your anger and sadness because it still has influence on you. Many abused women don't even want sex at all. You have actually shown a lot of strength. I have some "good" news. On a forum on the internet someone posted a survey that showed up to 50% of women rarely have orgasms during sex. So we're not even that odd...

I do agree with Donedge, I have anorgasmia, and I know that it destroys any sexual enjoyment that my partner might gain from the once a week sex, that he thinks that he can insist on. He would also like to have sex more often, but, knowing that I do not enjoy it, he does not insist. I certainly feel insecure, knowing that he is a man a lot of women find attractive, and would have no difficulty finding another life partner