Asexual wife

Hi guys. This is my first post. I'm hoping to start some sort of path to healing via this post so please help me open a discussion.

My problem is really simple and so complex at the same time: my wife, whom I've been with for 10 years, has had literally ZERO sex drive for at least 7 years. I am a very intimate and sexual person and I constantly fight off my urges to try to keep her happy. But I'm on the verge of looking for a physical relationship or seeing a sex worker just to remember what it's like.

Some more details:
-She was abused as a teenager by her step father. This happened in secret for a long time. She eventually called him out and it broke down the family at that point.

-She warned me about this when we met and I accepted it and hoped I could help her heal.

-Our sex was FANTASTIC for the first couple of years. I still dream of some of those moments and couldn't think of anything more exciting.

-3 or 4 years later it just died. It just became a matter of me trying to initiate and being shot down as a pervert. Now I hold of for days and try to just ask verbally and it immediately flares up about me being insensitive and that there is always something obvious that would make sex not appealing at that point.

-We have sex on average one every month or two because I manage to push enough for it. Most of the time it's just a duty for her and I could be with a blow up doll.

-We have enjoyable sex maybe one every year or two.

The main problem in this is that I absolutely love her with all my heart and am very attracted to her still. We are honestly best friends and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I just don't know if I can handle this lack of intimacy forever. And I keep thinking YOLO and I need to enjoy sex while I'm still young enough... This is why I'm thinking of looking elsewhere but at the same time my morals keep pushing that idea away.

I'm going crazy! I don't want to lose her but I can't live without intimacy! Please help!

Talk to her about it. Whatever she says, you should respect and not try to press the issue. If things aren't working out for you, don't be a cheater. Just end the relationship and find someone who suits your needs better, if you want.

I am in a similar position. I will not leave my wife. If I decide to seek comfort from a sex worker it will be sex, period. I have never thought about leaving my life partner even though we are no longer intimate. We are human. It is a tough one due to the moral issues surrounding various factions.

I wish you peace in what ever you decide.

I've no clue how a man can claim to love a woman who refuses to please him. I'd have bailed on her a long ass time ago. But I'm not you so... What do I think you should do? I think you're a man who's being deprived of the most basic of masculine desires & you need to rectify that situation ASAP. You can do the math.

Purple 8 wrote:Talk to her about it. Whatever she says, you should respect and not try to press the issue. If things aren't working out for you, don't be a cheater. Just end the relationship and find someone who suits your needs better, if you want.

We have spoken about our not having sex. We grew up together and we love each other too much to be apart. We are too close to part.

I will have to find an outlet via other services.

satyr15y wrote:I've no clue how a man can claim to love a woman who refuses to please him. I'd have bailed on her a long ass time ago. But I'm not you so... What do I think you should do? I think you're a man who's being deprived of the most basic of masculine desires & you need to rectify that situation ASAP. You can do the math.

It is difficult to explain. It is like we are brother and sister. We grew up in as young kids with her family. We were very sexual for 20 years.

I have been in your wife'sposition many a time in past relationships. I have cringed, flinched and cried at being touched, I have had pretended to be asleep too many times, and I have laid there and cried myself to sleep about it more times than I care to remember.

I take umbridge at the comments about being able to be in love with someone who 'refuses' to please you. And ill gloss over the comments about men being deprived of a basic masculine desire. as Im sure most males and females need sexul intimacy and a woman not putting out is obviously such a terrible crime...

anyway, from my my experience when I have been in this situation the very thought of intimacy literally fills me with fear. Is not like I have ever 'refused' to please, but rather the innability to have any sexual desire creates its own crisis. I cant talk for all women in this siuation, but for me, the thought of not being able to become aroused made it impossible for me to be sexually aroused...and the spiral escelates.... My best advice to you is NOT expect any sexual contact and make sure she knows this. woo her again, small baby steps and start with plain old kissing, but make sure she knows that it will not lead to sex...it helped me in the past and I was able to feel sexual again.

May I also just say, that for me, the way a lot of men approach sex is a bit too...grope the obvious places.... Us women dont like being groped before our minds have become aroused...you have to arouse her mind first, body comes much later. a kiss on the forhead goes a long way, and touch her all over but avoiding any of the obvious places. Gain her trust that you will NOT touch anywhere sexual, and she may just yearn to be touched nearer and nearer creating that desire she thought she had lost.

Good luck!

venus72 wrote:.. women dont like being groped before our minds have become aroused...you have to arouse her mind first, body comes much later. a kiss on the forhead goes a long way, and touch her all over but avoiding any of the obvious places. Gain her trust that you will NOT touch anywhere sexual, and she may just yearn to be touched nearer and nearer creating that desire she thought she had lost.

This is SO true. It's usually not 100% the fault of either person in the relationship. You may think you're doing everything right, but I'm assuming you're not a mind reader. I'm also in the same boat as your wife right now and have several deeply painful issues that are going to take time and therapy to get through. If you want to stay together, you can work with her toward healing first.

Your situation is perfectly understandable. That is very sweet and beautiful that you two are compatible enough to stay with each other for life! But at the same time, this difference in sexual desire, and interest is clearly a problem for you

Have you discussed this problem at all with your wife? I know it is an extremely ify and touchy subject but ask her if she would be open to you having a physical relationship with someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she is completely against it. As much as this is driving you crazy, maybe doing it clandestine or in secret might be okay too. But depending on how you feel inside, you might feel a great amount of guilt or that you are breaking your trust with your wife.

Unfortunate circumstances for your sexuality, but I would say definitely try discussing this entire situation with your wife; open up room for conversation. Good luck!

-- Mon Apr 17, 2017 7:31 pm --

Your situation is perfectly understandable. That is very sweet and beautiful that you two are compatible enough to stay with each other for life! But at the same time, this difference in sexual desire, and interest is clearly a problem for you

Have you discussed this problem at all with your wife? I know it is an extremely ify and touchy subject but ask her if she would be open to you having a physical relationship with someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if she is completely against it. As much as this is driving you crazy, maybe doing it clandestine or in secret might be okay too. But depending on how you feel inside, you might feel a great amount of guilt or that you are breaking your trust with your wife.

Unfortunate circumstances for your sexuality, but I would say definitely try discussing this entire situation with your wife; open up room for conversation. Good luck!

[And ill gloss over the comments about men being deprived of a basic masculine desire. as Im sure most males and females need sexual intimacy and a woman not putting out is obviously such a terrible crime...

I cant talk for all women in this siuation, but for me, the thought of not being able to become aroused made it impossible for me to be sexually aroused...and the spiral escelates.... My best advice to you is NOT expect any sexual contact and make sure she knows this. woo her again, small baby steps and start with plain old kissing, but make sure she knows that it will not lead to sex

May I also just say, that for me, the way a lot of men approach sex is a bit too...grope the obvious places.... Us women dont like being groped before our minds have become aroused...you have to arouse her mind first, body comes much later. a kiss on the forhead goes a long way, and touch her all over but avoiding any of the obvious places. Gain her trust that you will NOT touch anywhere sexual, and she may just yearn to be touched nearer and nearer creating that desire she thought she had lost.]

You are saying everything that I feel. I am anorgasmic due to brain damage, and the idea of sex fills me with misery and low self esteem, because I know what a cr@p lover I am. I do not want to lose my man, and I pretend to enjoy the sex so that he does not feel bad about initiating sex, and I do not want him to go elsewhere for satisfaction, because, to him, sex and love are closely linked, and I would lose him very quickly.
I certainly have often felt if we could just go back and "start again please" with flirting and kissing than move slowly onto sex, then maybe the feelings would come back, but as we are now, it is just making me feel more and more inadequate, doing a number on my self esteem, and thereby making me less and less attractive as a person. But for him, that is not good enough, we had good sex for 3 years, and before that his ex refused to have sex with him towards the end of their marriage, which was one of the reasons he walked. He would not want to go back to how we were at the beginning of the relationship, and, now, with my disabilities, I do not offer him enough to compensate for a celibate relationship.
So, I do not really know what I am saying, but thanks for the comfort and agreeing with me