I'm 25 and female. Up until about a month ago I'd had zero male attention. Never kissed or dated a boy or anything like that. I always had a high sex drive but dealt with it myself and didn't have much interest in finding a partner. I'm generally not a very emotional person (I have schizoid personality disorder, low-moderate symptoms).
Then my friends and I began smoking pot. It increased my sex drive even more and I mentioned this to my friends. I live with 3 male friends and one of them, who was my closest friend, began to get flirtier with me whenever I smoked, which eventually led to him trying to get into my bed, which led to me letting him and then eventually we had sex. A few hours later I was on my way to another country for 2 weeks so we never really got to talk about it until I got back.
Things were very awkward when I got back. I tried to talk to him about the awkwardness but he was cold and dismissive towards me. He said it was just a 'one time spur of the moment thing' and asked if I had feelings for him and I said no and then he was like 'so things are back to normal'. He sort of acts like nothing happened, but won't make any flirty jokes or anything.
Ok, so now to me... I am literally having rape PTSD symptoms. I know it wasn't rape. I wanted to have sex with him for a long time. I stopped giving him weed about a week before we had sex because it always made him sleepy and I wanted him to be awake so we could talk/mess around in case it led to something else. I was lucid enough at the time to decide to have sex with him.
When we told my friends (about 3 weeks ago), they all instantly started half-jokingly referring to it as rape. Now they kind of seriously refer to it as rape (I knock them back every time saying 'it's not rape just because I don't like what came after'). They told me I was acting like a rape victim and I just looked up the symptoms and was like holy crap. Every time I get stoned now, I feel my memories start to distort and become unpleasant. Regardless of whether I'm sober or stoned, I often have flashbacks. I can't concentrate on anything else and I keep losing track of the time or the day. I forget I have work or college. A friend jokingly pushed my foot with his foot and I had an instant burst of emotion and burst out crying because it reminded me of him playing with my feet. A friend had a blanket over him and put it over me and the same thing happened. I thought triggers were a load of crap until it actually happened to me.
For the first time since it happened, last night he sat on my bed while all of us were gathered in there smoking and drinking. He eventually lay down next to me and then kept trying to grab my sock off my foot. It was the closest he's been to 'normal' since. My friend was in there, watching, and later asked if I felt comfortable with it because it was 'normal' as he was worried that it might trigger me. I felt conflicted between both feelings. I half hoped he would climb in and decide to sleep there and the other half felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to do.
I was very angry for about 2 weeks, and kept having anger outbursts or just having meltdowns and crying. I would wake up every morning at like 4am seething in anger. The anger stopped after I talked to him about it again, but I still cry a lot and feel some kind of sadness all the time. I was having a lot of violently sexual dreams for the first week or so, but then they just turned into regular sexual dreams. When I'm stoned I feel deep shame and embarrassment, but as soon as I sober up I literally cannot feel these emotions (and never have before). I can't actually remember how I felt before. I don't remember what normal feels like so I can't even pretend or just shut it out of my mind and carry on as normal which is what I normally do.
In a strange opposite effect, my sex drive has increased again. To almost uncontrollable levels for me. I wake up every morning super horny. I used to masturbate about twice a week, now it's 2-3 times a day. I have two moods; I either get ridiculously attracted to anyone half decent and want to jump them all, or I can't be attracted to anyone except my housemate that I slept with. The first one is my 'good' mood and the latter is my 'depressed' mood. I started messaging people on Tinder trying to organise hookups (I don't even believe in one night stands, but since I wasted my virginity on one I don't care much anymore). Nothing's happened yet because I keep fluctuating between moods and I feel like they'll reject me in real life, but I thought that maybe sleeping with someone else would maybe make me feel better (but it could do the opposite as well, soo).
I have no idea why I'm reacting this way. I sort of came to the conclusion that I feel like I took advantage of him physically, but he took advantage of me emotionally and I'm reacting badly to the way he's acted towards me after. I had intimacy issues and problems with things like physical contact before so I feel like I'm worse now. I don't have that many issues about the sex act itself; like I said, I know it wasn't rape, he wasn't aggressive, it was fine. But the more I think about it, the more I think how rapey it seems from his point of view; he spent weeks trying to get into my bed when I was high because he knew I was more 'emotionally vulnerable' (his words).
I don't know, it's left me very confused. I don't know how to deal with any of this. I've started seeing a psychologist, but I tend to lie because I don't feel comfortable being open to them. I've been talking to one of my friends literally like 10 hours a day or just sitting in his room with him because I need to for some reason. It makes it all the more difficult because I live with him and study with him so I don't get any escape. He was away for a few days for work and I still kept having breakdowns and issues. I just don't know what to do or why I'm acting like a rape victim when I know it wasn't rape
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