Partners who say 'no'

I am an older husband and I am being driven mad by constant negative thoughts about my sexlife. My query is this.... I know that the sexlife a couple have together should consist of things that both of them want to do and nobody should be forced to do anything against their will. BUT....why is that all the 'no I won't do that' statements always come from the woman and never from the man? I will have a go at anything sexual as long as it doesn't involve pain.....my wife has a list as long as your arm of things she won't do, as have other women I've met. How is that fair? What am I missing or getting wrong? Most of the things I would like her to do ( and which she won't ) are the things that I have always assumed are 'normal' and enjoyed by most couples. Have I got it totally wrong?

Any thoughts anyone? Am I so far off the mainstream that nobody has anything to say?...or have I mentioned a truism of life that people like to keep swept under the carpet. I genuinely don't know !

Have you asked her or the other women why they say no perchance?

Of course I have. The response varies depending on what particular form of sexual activity we're discussing. The reasons extend from "it's not very romantic" through " it's not me " or " not my thing" to "it's kinky/dirty/disgusting/perverted" etc. " Embarrassing " is quite a common one too! But the sentiment that all the responses have is "no". I understand that counselors often suggest a 'deal'....trading something I want for something my partner wants...but I have never had a sexual partner who asked anything of me...and certainly not anything I would refuse as, like most men I guess, I'm 'up for almost anything' !!

Ok, fair enough. Out of interest, what sort of things have you requested? Just wondered as it gives more of an impression of if the partners are prudish or if you have specialist tastes- if you see what I mean. Personally I think the trading the sexual favours thing is a bit horrible as its like providing services rather than a joint experience. Perhaps the sort of partners you're interested in fit other areas of your life, just not sexually if you see what I mean. It's also possible yes they might want to try things but feel scared as they may think you'll judge them afterwards. Women are taught a lot of mixed messages, that they should be pure whilst knowing their way around the bedroom etc. Perhaps getting to the root of the problem like their shyness will help them open up more. At the end of the day, everyone has ideas but few want to share them.

Thanks for your reply. Over the years my requests have included 'blowjob', 'doggy-style' ,toys. sex round the house, sexy underwear,revealing her cleavage at least occasionally, anal touching , 'handjob' and at least some interest in her having an orgasm and maybe a concerted effort from us both to produce one. Personally I don't regard that as a particularly perverted list....but she finds them all somewhere between 'just not her' and 'disgusting'. Have I lost the plot and ask too much ?.....I find that hard to believe.

I'm not sure what your wife's reasons are as they are often different for every individual. As a person with little interest in sex though perhaps I can offer my perspective to help. Some of the things you listed, while very normal for many people, can feel a little degrading. Doggystyle for example can sometimes make someone feel like a prop because they can't see or really touch their partner. Blowjobs and anal also have the public stigma of something that only men like and that "good girls" aren't supposed to like. Nothing is really an absolute truth when it comes to sex and everyone has different preferences. Try talking to your wife again and be patient while she tries to explain. Maybe she doesn't quite know the answer yet, but perhaps it's something you can work out together. Hope this helps.

Hereforher,
Thanks for you reply. I take your point and understand it perfectly. Not everyone likes the same thing. We have talked about it quite a lot and the problem I have is that she doesn't really care for ANY of it. She will tolerate normal intercourse and always says 'thank you' afterwards but it doesn't bother her in the slightest if we do it or not. In fact she has told me she only does anything sexual to please me and if I didn't want it, she wouldn't bother. She has also told me that she is just as happy with a cuddle. I just don't see where our middle ground lies. She has no concept of libido or satisfaction......only closeness and romance...but nothing erotic or sexually fulfilling. And at our ages, there isn't too much time left to wait for things to change or develop !!

Ok, I'm a girl and I guess I can explain you something.

Women around the world (which of course depends on area and age) are basically taught to be "not interested" sex. A lot of females have inner conflict - between what's making them horny and what's "proper".

Let me use the example of blowjob - in culture it is perceived as something what's only pleasureful for men and only women with low morality would do. So - WHY should she do this?

What I've written above it's not true. But that's probably what she's taught. That such actions are way of humiliating women. And if you ask for such - in her mind you're basically asking her to let you abase her. No nice, right?

The more you insist, the more she'd probably refuse. That should be her initiative, not yours.

Also - your wife has clearly stated that she wants more affection from your side. Give it to her. Let her feel loved. And do not want sex in exchange - so no romantic dinner just for you to get laid. And that's only my guess, but still - how much do you spend time on a foreplay? If she's not horny and it does not make any difference to her if she's having sex or not, then, sorry to inform you, but it means that you haven't aroused her.