numb body can't feel

Hi well I'll start out saying I'm a 26 year old virgin and as I was growing up my mom had jealousy issues with my dad and she always was unsatisfied with her body as she was overweight, this would lead to heated fights between my parents, my mom wouldn't even want my dad to go to the beach by himself and he couldn't watch movies with us in which there were sexy scenes with attractive actresses. I think this influenced me to have a negative view about myself and me as a female, albeit sub-consciously, II've always liked my body, I think im attrative, I liked looking at myself in a mirror and pleasuring myself as a teen.
MY high school years were not so typical as I didn't have a boyfriend even though I tried, I was not popular, I was one of the quiet weird ones, so the guys I went for were also like that and so nothing came out of it. I remember dreaming what a kiss would feel like and then near my senior year, about to go to college, I can faintly remember now but I started getting bothersome intrusive thoughts, about my father, about him being attracted to me/sexual thoughts. This gave me great distress at home until one day my mom and dad decided to sit in my room with me and my mom demanded me to say what was bothering me, she would not stop until I said so, I started crying and screaming until I finally told them about the thoughts, it was so humiliating and shameful (even if it isn't my fault), I still remember how silent the room was after I said it, their faces of shock, I felt "psychologically raped" now that I look back on it. I also lately have felt that I haven't been completely "normal" after that, but I can't believe its taken me 5/6 years to realize it.

So it was around that time I went to college and (now that I look back at it) I was finding it hard to meet new friends/guys it was just too big, I was quite lonely my first semesters there, and I remember some guy who was an acquaintance from HS would contact me and I was kinda naive and I guess "desperate" to experience sexual feelings with a guy so I would go into his car and he would just start kissing me/touching me but I never felt anything...I don't know why I never registered this as something wrong in my head at the time, now when I think of it I think I was disassociated a bit, or maybe I sub-consciously wanted to 'sabotage". I was acting out of some compulsion, I think, I would just kiss random guys I didnt know well, but never felt anything sexual, like I was numb. I thought it was something wrong with me. There was another experience in college, I bumped into this guy I had met at a party (and had drunkenly made-out with) and we ended up in his mom's office where he tried to have sex with me, again I was numb and when he tried coming inside me I felt pain and we just get up and left it was a very awkward experience.
So also around this time I ended up on a website (a chat room with cams) and I do kind of regret it now because it led me to expose myself to men on there sometimes, I kinda liked it in a dirty way but would feel bad after. So now talking more about the present since a year ago the intrusive thoughts came back, but this time stronger/more upsetting, I would think that my dad has a huge boner pointed at me or just think weird sexual unwanted thoughts, I think its a form of OCD, and how my experiences have made me think in a distorted way, I have no idea if this is possible but Im starting to think the "psychological rape" thing with my parents made me sort of..disassociate from my body...maybe I felt like since my body is attractive but my mom thinks thats "bad" then I shouldn't feel pleasure. And I also think this because there was one thing I did on the web-cam site with this guy ( I would slowly show my body to him, this aroused me a lot) but I don't understand why, and Im starting to think its because my body isn't actually there with another body, like somehow it registers in my head as "ok" to feel in that situation.
I know this seems complicated and long, I just want to feel my body with another's body, I'm starting to see that maybe its because I haven't found the right guy to have a real relationship with, not just forcing myself to "feel" something with someone I don't really know. I know it won't be easy as many people in dating these days expect sex to happen soon. Also that I need to start feeling better in my body, that its not something "bad" or "porno" and that once I stop seeing it like that I'll stop getting weird thoughts when talking to a guy like (I imagine he has a boner when talking to me, which makes me kinda anxious, feel wrong) I just don't want to feel trapped in my body, I want to feel free in my body.

I found this very interesting. I can relate to the to your mom not liking her body and making it a huge deal with in the family dynamics and that projecting on you. My mother was the same way and I started to body shame myself, though I pushed my self out of that.

The situation with your father, do you feel that he is attracted to you still, are you attracted to him? Was there ever any abuse? (If this is too personal let me know, also you can PM if you'd like.)

Maybe you feel that was when you have sexual relations with guys because you don't have any actual feelings towards them. Like you are going through the motions of these sexual experiences because you think you HAVE to be having them, which isn't the case. But I understand your frustration with wanting to have a relationship. I don't think you should feel ashamed to having done things on a webcam because if that's what turned you on and you were doing it in a safe healthy manner, you should be able to explore what turns you on.