Situational Retarded Ejaculation

What would happen if you stopped masturbating altogether, and stopped looking at porn? If your only sexual outlet was your partner, would you, over time, break the "orgasm by masturbation only" habit and become more sensitive to sexual stimulation from your partner?

I was in therapy for 4 years to try and cure my RE but the sex therapist who at the beginning said he could fix it finally gave up. He thought it had something to do with me being angry with women but that went nowhere. Then he thought it was some kind of childhood thing and he pursued that for about 6 months. I had read that Surrogate Therapy works with RE but it would have cost me a fortune to fly out to the coast to a clinic where they do this kind of therapy. I already lost my first wife because of the RE thing and that really made me decide to do my own research and after almost ten years I think I have found the answer.

It is basically a full chemical assault on the problem. Here's what works for me:

-Viagra (100mg) 1 hour before sex (I don't have ED but this really helps not sure know why- seems to make my penis more sensitive))

-150 mg of Bupropion (WellButrin) taken once a day

-1 SUDAFED antihistimine pill taken at the same time as the Viagra.

Now I can cum about 50% of the time depending on the partner. I think I could cum 100% of the time with this combination plus TESTOSTERONE (the skin patch) but I haven't been able to find a doctor to prescribe it because blood tests show my levels are normal. I am trying to find and underground suplier but so far no luck.

I found this on an RE medical website. It seems to back me up.

"Some drugs such as pseudephedrine tablets, (eg Sudafed) or the antihistamine agent, cyproheptadine, (eg Periactin) can shorten the time taken to reach orgasm in some men. Other drugs that have been used include buspirone, bupropion, PDE-5 inhibitors, (Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra,) and the herbal treatment gingko biloba.
Correcting low levels of testosterone can increase sexual sensitivity in some men and improve their orgasmic potential."

Lifetime-----thanks for the post I am definitely going to give this a try. We did try Viagra a couple of years ago and it did help a bit but not enough to allow me to ejaculate with my wife. Maybe if I add the antihistimine and the Wellbutrin I might have some luck. I am reading alot about Wellbutrin and RE and I'm just hoping I can talk my doctor into prescribing it.

Flash--- although I read on some posts here that some men's RE is the result of porn and masturbation like Nervous Guy and a few other posters my case is the other way around. I started regularly masturbating after I discovered I couldn't ejaculate any other way. My RE was situational in my teens but got worse in my 20's and by the time I met my wife I couldn't ejaculate with her at all. We did try many things in the first year or so of marriage including sex therapy but nothing worked. The porn came in years later after I had been married for about 2 years. It just added to the experience. So stopping won't make any difference. In therpy I was instructed not to masturbate for 5 weeks and I actually did do that but it didn't help, I was just agitated and restless for the whole time. Thanks anyway for the suggestion.

vinni--he should try to lay off the masturbation completely. even if the RE is not being caused by masturbation and porn, stopping might help.

Here's the basic root cause of RE---- he is not aroused enough. This is the reason why almost all men have RE. The trick is to find out why he is not aroused enough.

This lack of arousal can be caused by all sorts of things--performance anxiety, a need for a certain type of sex acts you are not providing ie: anal sex, rough sex, 3somes, (there are dozens)

There could be something about you that is turning him off or maybe the porn he is watching has got him used to certain types of women.

Could be he gets bored after having sex with the same partner a few times.

His penis might feel numb during intercourse or oral sex, this is very common in men with RE and this is another effect of him not being aroused enough.

Talk to him about it. Find out why he is not getting to his orgasmic threshold.

Most guys with RE are very pickey about what kind of sex they like and the women they have sex with. But given the right circumstances, most guys with RE CAN cum. The key is for you to create those proper circumstances.

he insists it is not me, and has had this "problem" since he was 20 yo and back then he cared about "cumming"....he was married for 15 years and never mastrubated on his own, and was happy with just sex with his wife back then. Now after finding out his wife cheated on him, he had anger against women, and finallly started mastrubating 1-2 x per week. He got back with the ex a few months back to be dumped again....he is 41 y/o and claims I am so much a better lover than his wife was, and loves my body and my face etc....and just claims he is in a "slump"...and there is nothing more that i can do, cuz i do it all, to make him cum. Could he just
have too much stress going on in his life with his recent divorce and entering a new relationship with me???[/b]

I have to say that this is a great website!!!!

I also have a similar situation to Vinne's.

I've been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years and realised that he had RE only after a few months within the relationship.

Up to now, I was "fine" with it as he said that it did not bother him and I have to say that i was completely satisfied, but in the back of my mind, I admit that it did bother me, as it was something that I could not understand and it bothered me that he could not be really satisfied. He tells me that it has nothing to do with me, and that he is very attracted to me, and that he's always had this problem with other girls in the past. I also know that in his teens, he didn't have many girlfriends and masturbated alot.

Today, it still puts alot of strain in our relationship as he can't have an orgasm and I also want him to get some pleasure. And we have alot of arguments and causes us alot of pain.

We've decided to take a break (actually more him than me) as obviously we've started arguing about all of this, as i can't help to feel insecure about this, thinking that he's no longer attracted to me, and that he's starting to look at other girls. Needless to say, that this has caused us numerous arguments and him telling me that i'm so jealous and that he cannot deal with it. He becomes extremely harsh and not very understanding.

My problem is that I really love him, but i don't know if we will ever resolve this.

I guess my question is the following -> How can you know that it's about RE or about another girl? And if RE cannot be cured, is it possible to have a long term relationship while him still being satisfied? How can i know that he is no longer sexually attracted to me CAn love be enough to surpass this problem?

Thanks for your insights

VINNE AND PUZZLED---

Both of you should know that it is very, very rare for a man to have RE with just one woman and not others. Yes there is such a thing as "situational" RE and as a matter of fact it was an enquiry about this common type of RE that started this thread. But the very first post describes the most common type of situational RE and that refers to being unable (or able) to orgasm with only certain TYPES of women...not one particular woman.

This being said if a man is dating and therefore free to move on should his RE crop up with a certain woman or more likely a "type" of woman, then in almost all cases he moves on. The real problems happen when a married man finds (at any time in the marriage) that he can't ejaculate with his wife. And leaving a marriage because of that alone is a drastic step, especially if children are involved, so he is trapped and many times the marriage becomes sexless.

But in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of situation why would he stay if his RE is being caused by a lack of attraction? It dosn't make sense. It is more likely he is depressed, anxious, suffers low self esteem or is masturbating too much.

In some cases he may have a deep seated fear of intimacy. This can cause him to suffer from a MADONNA/WHORE syndrome where he only gets sexually excited with women he has no interest in other that physical. As soon as he meets someone he actually cares for, the fear sets in and it manifests itself as being unable to ejaculate. This is most likely the cause of the RE in this thread's first post. This type of problem is usually caused by verbal, sexual or physical abuse in childhood (is very common in son's of violent alchoholics) and is also linked to a subconscious fear of rejection or abandonment.

Another common trigger for RE is anger at women in general. The fact that women hold the "key" to a man's sexual pleasure can make some men extremely angry. That they can say yes or no to sex and can force a man to jump through hoops and go through the song and dance of seduction and then expect HIM to perform....well this all gets bottled up inside some men. They may not even really think about it on a conscious level but it is there and it manifests itself in the inability to let go.

Sometimes you can tell if this is causing the problem by finding out what kind of porn turns him on (if he is into porn.) In many cases these men like "the rough stuff" like extreme oral sex (throat gagging) videos, torture or S&M or any video who's main theme is submissive and degraded women. Finding out what he likes, may hold a clue. As you can imagine, good old loving, tender and intimate sex with a woman is just not going to get these guys horny enough to cum.

Many men (especially younger men) suffer in silence with this. They tell their girlfriends or dates that it is no big deal. But all women should know that this is false- it is a VERY big deal. For men sex is orgasm centered.....the main reason for going to all the trouble to actually get a woman to agree to sex. So sex without orgasm is not sex. Women can get along fine without orgasms because they enjoy the intimacy. This is not the case with men. This goes to the very core of their sexual self esteem and what it means to be male.

All I can say is read every single post here and also go to:

http://www.fertilitext.org/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000029.html

and read all the posts there. If nothing you read rings a bell or sounds familiar or similar to what the men in your lives are going through, then by all means get them into therapy. If they are under 30 the chances of a cure are better than if they are over 40.

In Vinne's case it sounds like your BF is suffering from a psychological cause for his RE rather than it being a case of not being attracted to you. Like I said...if THAT were the case, why would he stick around?

Puzzled---your guy may have trained himself to only react to his own touch and the heavy visual stimulation of porn. This too can be fixed with therapy and quitting the porn and masturbation.

Ask them about the numb penis thing...this is important and the best place to start to get a handle on this. If it's a mild case of RE, Viagra can help the penis feel more sensitive.

Thank you so much for your useful advice "Guest". Much appreciated.

BUT, I'd like to know what is the success rate of sex therapy, or will we be fooling ourselves with years of therapy?

I mean, is it not better for the guy to keep on masturbating as this is what he really enjoys, and I guess that it's for the partner to decide whether he/she can live with that, while both having sex on the occasion?

I'd just really like to have a reality check on the exact situation instead of going into years of therapy for no end result really.

Thanks!

Depends on what type of therapy. The most successful is the most controversial and the one wives and girlfrinds hate the most-- Sexual Surrogate Therapy. It is expensive, only available in certain parts of North America (I believe it is readily available in England) but it has a 95% success rate, especially if the therapy technique used is the one created by the Godfather of RE, American Sex Therapist Bernard Apfelbaum and outlined in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/de ... ce&s=books

The therapy involves the patient telling his partner (the surrogate) EXACTLY how he feels throughout the sex act. What makes this so theraputic is that he can tell her the absolute truth without fear of hurting her feelings (she has been specially trained for this) If there is something physically about her that he finds a turn off, he says so, if she is not providing the type of sex he wants, he can demand what he wants, if his penis feels numb because he's not turned on enough, he says so, in other words he gets it all out during sex---something he could never do with a wife or girlfriend. At least not if he wants her to stick around.

Many, if not most men with (psychologically caused) RE tend to be the type of men who DON'T complain, who would never make demands, have low sexual self esteem and who try very hard to please the partner and pretend nothing is wrong. This therapy removes years of the heavy burden of guilt, anger, hurt, low self esteem and the feeling he has to "perform". The outcome is quite remarkable.

As for other therapies, be warned- in my opinion MOST sex therapists have really no idea how to treat this. They rely on ineffective and outdated theraputic techniques going back to the 1960's and 70's. Hardly any serious scientific research has been done on RE since Masters and Johnson and even they got it wrong.

And porn and masturbation induced RE is a fast growing problem because of the internet. Men get so they cannot ejaculate with a real live woman, only through self masturbation and porn. You have a whole generation of young men who's primary sexual outlet from puberty has been internet porn. But still the Sex Therapy community is stuck in the dark ages.

You might get lucky with therapy if you can find someone who knows this dysfunction and has SUCCESSFULLY treated it.

Another fairly successful method of dealing with this is to watch video porn movies during sex. This accomplishes two things: !) it takes the RE patient's mind off the sex act itself and focuses him on the movie. Depending on how into it he gets, this method of sexual distraction allows him to relax and bypasses his psychological orgasmic block(s) 2) for the man who's RE is porn and masturbation induced, it puts him into a sexual environment he prefers and allows his porn and masturbation trained orgasmic threshold to be reached.

In most cases however, the female partner will not accept this type of sexual situation.

You are to be congratulated for actually caring enough to do the research and try to help your partner. Most women fall into a heap of self condemnation or just end up leaving the RE patient. This horrible male sexual dysfunction has ruined many relatioships. Understanding is the key but unfortunately there is little good info to be found on RE. I hope the information I have provided has been of some help.