Situational Retarded Ejaculation

I would like to thank the man who posted on June 9, 2004. He offered a lot of good insight. Many seem to assume situational delayed ejacuation is a partner-specific low desire issue. While I'm sure this is the case for some, it might help to look at the issue from a female perspective. We all know that some women (scratch that -- MANY women) have "female delayed ejaculation" or no orgasm at all. As with the June 9 poster, the causes are multifactorial, the main one being easily distracted (due to anxiety, low self-esteem, low body-image, feeling pressure to perform, need to please the other person, etc.). The other being insufficient physical stimulation. Some women who have come to rely on a vibrator, sometimes while watching porn, find that manual or oral stimulation in a "real-life" situation is no longer sufficient, or they don't feel comfortable asking their partner to stimulate them for the length of time it might take them to orgasm. Faking orgasms is obviously more common in women than men, so the first thought that comes to mind is testosterone level -- the higher testosterone level in men usually "overrides" this "distractability" making sexual arousal more "automatic" in men. I'm suggesting that the many women, and the few men, who have difficulty "letting go" are more easily distracted because their testosterone (and/or possibly dopamine?) levels are not high enough to override.

Hello all. I think testoterone does contribute to RE in older guys. And if RE is partially caused by worry or distraction during intercourse then low testosterone will certainly make the situation worse. It's also true that masturbation and porn have a role in causing RE too. I have always enjoyed porn and have masturbated at least once a day for the last 30 years. Even with women who I am very turned on by, I find that once intercourse starts it just doesn't feel as good as it should. Like others have described my penis starts to loose feeling and that's when the distraction starts. I know a few minutes in that there is no way I am going to ejaculate inside this women. After another minute or two I'm just not that aroused anymore and I loose my erection. If the women is really hot and I've had a few drinks then I can ejaculate the first time we are together but after that it's a no go. These days I can fake an orgasm because they all insiste I wear a condom. But in the pre AIDS days it was harder to fake it. I never once had a problem masturbating alone but if I try and masturbate with a partner it's the same problem. I just pump away with no result. I think I just feel I have a responsibility to please the women and I hate that feeling. Like the original poster I have never had problems with prostitutes. I think this is because I am definitely in charge and am under no obligation because I am paying. I like women but have always resented the control they have over sex. AS the old saying goes "if men want sex they have to work for it....if a woman wants sex all she has to do is show up" I have always thought that this was so unfair. I suppose if I was super good looking and/or rich then I would have more control over sex but like most men I have sex not nescesarely with the women I want, but rather with the women who want to be with me. I think this has something to do with the fact I have had situational retarded ejaculation since my teens. Porn is just so much easier. With porn I can "have" any woman I want.

WOW! this is an amazing webite!!! I can't believe all the people who have the same problem as me. I went to my doctor to ask him why I could never cum with women and he suggested I may have hidden homosexual tendencies. That's funny because I love women and I really love gig boobs. I spend a lot of time online downloading big tittie movies and pics from the usenet groups. I masturbate every day to my favorite big tiit movies. But when I actually manage to find a women who meets my fantasies it is just not the same. Somebody talked about getting distracted. That's what happens to me.

Mt favorite fantasy is jacking off on a pair of huge tits. The few times I tried this with a woman I would almost cum but then the feeling would dissapear. I guess I get all nervous about her and what she is thinking. Plus you usually have to spend hours or days just working hard to actually get her into the bedroom and during that time I am very excited looking forward to the sex. But when it really happens it is always dissapointing. And I feel foolish kneeling overtop of her whacking and whacking with no results.

I don't know what the problem is but I do know that the porn I use ends up being way better than the real thing. I know this is probably wrong but I really can't help how I feel. I'd like to have a girlfriend but I think it would be too stressful never being able to cum with her during sex. Anybody know how I can learn to cum with a woman?

Years and years of porn and masturbation can rewire the brain to only accept certain kinds of sexual stimulation blocking out all others. Men can get hooked of the orgasmic reinforcement that masturbation to porn creates. Retarded Ejaculation and ED are both symptoms of heavy pornography use and masturbation in many cases (but not all)
Some of the men here suffering from these sexual disorders should read this:

http://open-mind.org/News/SLA/9.htm

Nervous guy, I'm no expert, but it seems to me you would have better success if you weaned yourself off the porn and developed a real relationship with a woman who cares about you and vice versa. A real woman will never live up to your fantasy women. It's probably just like any other habit that needs to be broken. Not easy but possible if and when you are ready.

In the post to this topic on Oct 12 2004 "Guest" talks about Masters and Johnson's Sensate Focus Therapy and its failure in the treatment of retarded ejaculation.

In the following quote he talks about the final stages of the therapy where the man is supposed to masturbate to orgasm with his partner present:

"Unfortunately, in my experience it is a precisely this stage where the therapy fails. Already feeling under the hot spotlight of being the sexually dysfunctional member of the "team" he now must ejaculate by his own hand in front of his "audience" (the partner)
Imagine the stress he will be under! If he has spent years masturbating alone you can see why this stage of Sensate Focus fails the patient. "

I believe in this case the writer was speaking about a sexually dysfunctional man who's retarded ejaculation has been caused by psychological issues other than cybersex addiction/ compulsive masturbation. In light of the ever increasing numbers of men who are suffering sexual dysfunction due to heavy internet pornography use and compulsive masturbation, I'd like to add to his thoughts on sensate focus therapy.

As has been mentioned here before a man's solitary porn viewing and masturbation allows him to lose himself in the cybersex fantasy. After years of this kind of sexual acting out it is easy to see why M&J's sensate focus fails. The man is unable to ejaculate with a partner, even by masturbating himself simply because the pornography factor is absent. Without the visual stimulation of the type he has grown so used to, even the sight of his partner's naked body will not bring him to the stage of sexual arousal where orgasm/ejaculation is achieved. It is also important to keep in mind that men who's primary avenue of sexual arousal is pornography lose the ability to create a conscious fantasy that will bring them to the point of masturbatory orgasm. Only porn's intense visual aspect is enough to arouse them enough to reach their orgasmic threshold.

Therapists should take note of this before starting sensate focus therapy with couples for whom the male's sexual dysfunction is caused by heavy pornography use.

Hi Flash. I would love to be in a relationship and I have been in two. But they don't last very long because women don't want to stay with a man who can't ejaculate and who loses his erection. Both women walked out on me after a few months. I guess they felt that they were not able to get me aroused enough to cum or maybe thought I didn't consider them good looking enough. I guess that was true but I even said to them that I would give them an orgasm and they didn't have to worry about me (I could masturbate later) but that wasn't enough for them. I find these relationships to be very stressful and I don't really enjoy the sex because I can't cum but I do like the company.

To the last poster. What is this sensat focus treatment? Where can I find out more about it?

Flash...I forgot to say that I had this ejaculation dificulty way before I started looking at porn. I just started with the porn because I can only cum when I masturbate.

Althrough my marriage and before with some, not all of the women I was with before my wife, I have had retarded ejaculation. In the early years of our marriage I could orgasm if I masturbated myself with her masturbating too. But after awhile I couldn't do that either. Now she is complaining about the fact that we don't have sex anymore. It's a big problem and we have some loud nasty argumenys about it pretty well every week. She doesn't seem to understand that sex is meaningless to me if I can't have an orgasm. Basically her thing is she just wants to be "inimate" but to me that's just a code word for getting HER off. For awhile I used to just lie besdie her pulling her nipples while she masturbated. But she takes forever to cum and it's pretty dull and boring for me. It also makes me kind of angry that she can enjoy herself and I can't. Plus being with her just reminds me of my problem and I get kind of depressed. So I have been trying to avoid having to make her have an orgasm. I can cum if I masturbate by myself. We tried having her masturbate me but that didn't work either. My doctor says I'm physically OK and that this problem is psychological. I am fairly satifies with masturbation on my own I just wish my wife would be content masturbating by herself instead of always needing me there.

Great website by the way!!!

To bored husband: My RE is pretty much the same as your's symptom wise. But I force myself to have sex with my wife to hold my marriage together. I know how hard it is to be in bed with a woman when you can't have an orgasm. It's like torture!! But I just try not to think about my own feelings and concentrate on her. I use a vibrator on her and give her oral. There is alot of hugging and kissing which she likes. And this keeps her happy.
It's true that when it's over and she has had her orgasm that I can't wait to get by myself so I can relieve the tension with masturbation.
My marriage almost broke up because we had stopped having sex. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night!!! We tried everything over the years to get me to cum with her. She tried masturbating me, oral sex, with even tried anal sex but nothing worked. I just don't geta roused enough with her. I really can only get aroused by a new porn fantasy or a new partner. The new partner is out of the question because I value my marriage although I am tempted to pick up a whore but fight the temptation. Porn is the only way I can get a "new" partner every time.
If you are in a realtionship with a woman you care about you HAVE to consider her needs and feelings and put your's on the shelf once or twice a week. It's hard, frustrating and stressful but if you just tell yourself yu are not going to cum anyway and not worry about it, just the closeness with your wife can be nice and you can take care of your own needs later.