Situational Retarded Ejaculation

I disagree with the poster who said it was a testosterone problem. I agree with people here who have said that some men need newness and variety in sex partners to be able to ger horny enough to cum. It is some some kind of psychological problem having to do with not wanting to get too involved sexually with any one women. Could be caused by heavy porn use. With porn you get so much variety, a different girl every day. Makes it hard to ger aroused by the same girl over and over in a relationship.

I am so glad I found this site, since I was referred here from a divorce site! My marriage is on the rocks and lack of sex is one of the biggest reasons.

Some background: I have been married almost a year and my husband and I have only had sex three times in our marriage. In each of those times he has never been able to ejaculate.

Anyway, I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. In the beginning, he was able to oragasim with me. During the first 8 months, I thought we had good sex, not the best but I didn't expect too much since he was 38, the oldest guy I have ever been with (I am 12 years younger).

Our sex life started declining after we got engaged and I moved in. Before we got married, it was down to once every couple months and he was not able to orgasim at all anymore. Around that time, my twin sister died and I became depressed. Anyway, after my twin died I was on anti-depressants which made me numb and have no libido, so I barely noticed when we went 6 months with no sex. But because of weight gain, I switched meds to welbutrin and I got my libido back!

Sadly, my husband was not willing to have sex with me anymore and he came up with a zillion excuses including our weight gain, lack of physical attraction, lack of emotional attraction, and finally lack of trust and security in our marriage. He also has said that I am not the same person that he proposed to.

Since some those reasons didn't make sense to me as excuses for no sex (I had thought all guys needed sex), I wondered if there was something "physically wrong" and so I asked him if he was able to masterbate but he said "no, there is nothing physically wrong" and he admitted he does it about once a week in the shower. I cried since I thought that he was "wasting it".

Up to this point, I had all but given up on us and just assumed he must be gay (even though he denies it). Now after reading all the posts I see the signs that it is RE:

1) the problems orgasiming only came later in the relationship, but even in the beginning he was only 50% and always took a long time.

2) when he did orgasim he had to control everything, and I just had to be positioned right

3) after sex he would always get up and take a shower (now I know what he was doing)

4) the problems came after the weight gain (30+ pounds for each of us) and corresponding lack of phsyical attraction

5) the last time we did it, he said "he felt numb" and that was that.

I now realize that I may be putting unreaslistic demands on him to have sex. He basically doesn't want it. He says that he is not like other guys and that he doens't view sex as just physical, he needs an emotional connection too. I asked him about his past, and he said that he "never had sex problems", but then he admitted that sometime he couldn't orgasim with other women either but that it never bothered him. I asked him if sex was still enjoyable and he said sometimes.

From my story does it seem like he could have RE? If he does, what do I do? I am afraid that in our situation, the probability of cure is low. Also, if we do stay together he will probably have this problem the rest of our lives.

I guess what I am asking is can we get back the sex life we had in the beginning or is our sex life doomed? If this is situational RE, should this be a big red flag that I need to consider in my divorce decision? How many cases like mine turned out good? Am I just fooling myself and really he is repulsed by me and that won't change? He now says that he is attracted to me, but I don't know if I can believe him. I just don't know how much time to waste on the trying to make the marriage work, if things won't change.

Thanks for reading all of this.

He may heavily involved with pornography and masturbation. Computer pornography has become one of the leading causes of Delayed or Inhibited Ejaculation in married men and young men who have grown up with online porn. Some posts here have discussed the reasons for this.

But one mistake everyone makes is to blame the porn. We must take personal responsibility for our addictions. Any man who cannot ejaculate with a woman because of over masturbation needs to get help because this is an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which needs professional treatment. In some cases men PREFER pornography and masturbation to sexual relations with the women in their lives. But this has more to do with the problems in the relationship between the partners than it does the man's relationship to porn. Again this situation needs marital counselling and perhaps sex therapy.

LJ - I don't know if you were replying to my story, but in case you were, I should add that my husband is not into porn. His internet cache is clean. I've checked several times. We don't have any pornos and he never goes to strip clubs.

I do think that he may have a hint of Obsessive Compulsive behavior though. He is a total neat nick and he has to have written plans, life goals etc. We also need to stick to these life goals with little to no variance or it makes him uncomfortable.

He is an odd bird... I know, but I love him.

I think the person who spoke about Autosexuality nailed this problem. Just like homosexual men who, for whatever reasons, decide to enter into a hetrosexual marriage only to realize later they had made a mistake and gone against their true sexual perference, these men suffering with the inability to ejaculate are going against their true Autosexual natures. I'll bet if you interviewd men with R.E. and asked them if they preffered masrurbation to sex with their wives or girlfriends the truthful answer would be yes. They marry because they like the idea of marriage and maybe children. But intercourse is not the type of sexual activity they really enjoy. They may start the marriage or long term relationship having intercourse (or making a valiant attempt to) but after months or years the stress and strain of lying to themselves becomes too much to bear. Or, they fake orgasms and then secretly masturbate in order to hide their preference from their partner. I highly doubt this has much to do with the women involved. Hetrosexual sex is what is causing the sexual dysfunction.

More on AUTOSEXUALITY from:

http://www.the-penis.com/premejac.html


Autosexuality

One of the strange things about partner specific anorgasmia or retarded ejaculation is that the man concerned can masturbate to orgasm successfully. If pressed, many of these men admit that they really prefer masturbation by their own hand to intercourse. (There may be, suggests Apfelbaum, many more men like this who avoid sexual partners altogether and are therefore never identified as anorgasmic during intercourse.) Perhaps this is because only when free of the compelling need to satisfy his partner, can a man enjoy his own touch, his own sexuality, and his own orgasm. About 35% of men who are treated for retarded ejaculation will say that they like their own touch better than that of a partner because "after all, who would understand it better than me...I've been doing it all my life!" Apfelbaum says that men who think like this may also feel guilty that they actually may prefer their own stimulation more than being with a partner, and so lock themselves into a cycle of even more desperately wanting to please their partner but resenting the feeling that they "have" to do so. But it seems to me that enjoying sex with yourself more than with a partner is not necessarily wrong, if that is what a man wants

You will get an argument from researchers who say porn makes the Autosexual. They say porn rewires the brain's chemical pathways.

Of course this doesn't explain Autosexuals who have not been exposed to pornograpy. I'd like to hear other's opinions on this.

I don't have a problem with the term AUTOSEXUAL but referring to it as a 4th sexual pursuasion after hetro, homo and bi sexuality is just not backed up by fact. Some men may PREFER masturbation to sex with another person, but to say these individuals are born with this is overreaching in my opinion. I believe that a certain type of
individual may be prone to Autosexuality. A person who is perhaps a bit of a loner, or has trouble dealing with other people on anything but a superficial level. They feel uncomfortable, especially around women (if they are hetrosexual)and have poor social skills. They may be somewhat shy and overly sensitive to others. I also think you probably have these types of people whose basic sexual identity could be either bi, homo or hetrosexual. This is a socialization problem rather than a sexual one at it's root. The psychological profile of the retarded ejaculator (in most cases) is exactly the same as the Autosexual and I doubt that's just a coincidence.

I think the fact that the person described in the very first posting in this thread could orgasm with some women and not others sort of disproves many of the theories I've read here. It could be that SITUATIONAL R.E. is some kind of subset of primary and secondary R.E.

Most guys will f++K anything that moves but maybe retarded ejaculators are more picky and have only certain kinds of women that arouse them. Or maybe they can only be aroused by certain situations like public sex or multiple partners at the same time. Could be an ethnic thing--- a black guy can only get turned on by an Asian or a white guy by a black girl. Maybe he can only get turned on by rough sex or being submissive. The R.E. happens when the guy is NOT in the situation that arouses him the most and no other kind of sex works for him. I can see why marriage would be hell for these men esepcially if they have some kind of special turn on that the wife can't or won't provide. Or perhaps he married the wrong type of woman for him sexually.

If this disorder was the same with all men, men who just can't ejaculate inside a vagina-- ANY vagina, it would be less difficult to understand. But the SITUATIONAL retarded ejaculator throws a monkey wrench into the whole situation.

I'm wondering if anyone knows what causes delayed ejaculation in some men as they age, even with new partners where low sexual desire is not an issue. Is this related to testosterone decline?