Situational Retarded Ejaculation

An excellent site but no one has mentioned age and R.E. As men grow older they need more visual and physical stimulation to achieve orgasm. We see a rapid rise in R.E. in men in their 50's who come in complaining of a lack of ejaculation and/or psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Many have been brought in by wives complaining of the husband's sudden interest in pornography. This can be explained by the intense hand masturbation and visual fantasies of pornography- the only way many of these men can achieve orgasm.

The problem is treated by training the wife to more fully stimulate her husband's penis during sex and in some cases the use of erotic materials during the couple's sexual encounters.

Another cause of inhibited ejaculation is male homosexuality. Although gay couples suffer with orgasmic difficulties, I am speaking specifically of male homosexuals trying to "pass" as hetrosexuals- usually due to strong religious convictions.

During sexual intercourse with a female partner, the unaroused state is present in these men, as well as the infamous "automatic erections" mentioned by Aphelbaum and others in the literature. At this point the reason the men cannot ejaculate is exactly the same as the hetrosexual man, revulsion for the partner. Although in many, if not most cases this revulsion is subconcious in both men.

So you have the same unaroused state where the ejaculatory/orgasmic threshold is never reached caused by basically the same psycholosexual negativity, which in turn has it's origins in one man's homosexuality and the other's different, usually much more varied etiologies.

The posts on this site have been very helpful to me, so I have decided to add my own.

Okay, where to begin? I have searched a few times for solutions to my problem. I sought the help of doctors once, after recognizing that I had an issue. After, being informed that I had no physical problem, I continued through life trying to overcome my issue alone, without being able to afford any professional therapy or counseling or able to discuss my personal issues with anyone.
At the age of 36, I have had a half dozen sexual partners, a wife for six years, a daughter and now a girlfriend of a few months.
The lady I am currently seeing is very sweet and warm, a model, much younger than I, and we frequently jump straight into bed. The love-making I believe is beautiful, I, with a sense of acceptance and maturity, have thrown pretty much all my past fears and self-consciousness to the wind, undressing easily, receiving her pleasuring of me, holding, lying naked together, but I have faked orgasm almost every time.
I have faked orgasm before, after my separation, simply to spare my partner. I also seem quite content to just have performed the sex act, for the intimacy, excitement and simple pleasure of loving a beautiful female body. However, I do feel dishonest, incomplete, and obviously somewhat dissatisfied.
Sex with my ex-wife, was more fulfilling, my failure to reach orgasm or lose an erection seemed to be more related to exhaustion or alcohol. Most of my best sexual memories are with my ex, however I did eventually lose the desire to have sex with her, and avoided going up to bed. Although I think there was also a fear of failing in the performance department.
I would certainly be a perfect example of a man who would suffer from performance anxiety, and relate to many of the comments relating to the profile of a man who would suffer from retarded ejaculation.
In the beginning, before we were married, during sex with my ex-wife, we discovered pretty quickly that the condom was a problem. This led to unprotected sex, and eventually a baby girl, and a marriage that maybe should never of happened. Even now, I am more likely to reach the point of climax without a condom, withdrawing at the last moment.
I think I have only ever come once during oral sex, and receiving oral sex has always been an issue for me, although I have recently been able to let myself receive it.
During sex I will frequently end up feeling completely numb, usually when being ‘ridden’, which can lead to a disappointing loss of erection during passionate love-making. If I am in control, I can usually modify my position, speed, alignment to maintain my own pleasure and excitement.
I have also been guilty of ######6 for an endless period of time, without losing my erection, but possibly without either achieving climax.
Any circumstance that I considered that I had failed to perform as intended left me avoiding another sexual performance, unless I could try to create an ideal situation for myself: a brief respite of a day, a few drinks to calm my nerves, a warm dark safe place, nice music, good self esteem.
I have read many articles, but see no true solution or cure.
It is possible my issue is a result of both physical and psychological reasons. I have physical factors that include circumcision, alcohol and tobacco use. And psychological factors that include low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, lack of physical confidence, guilt, fear of failure, performance anxiety and a history of a failure to reach orgasm with a partner.
I possibly also suffer from factors relating to my mother, which I believe may have arisen from her manipulating my foreskin as a child, as instructed, prior to my late circumcision for medical reasons. Her acts were innocent, but I believe may have left me with issues receiving hand or mouth stimulation from my ex-wife, resulting in revulsion and loss of desire to have sex at the time, and a feeling that I may have been abused. Whether my memories serve me correctly or not, I felt reminded of my mother’s acts. Recently a girlfriend beginning to stick her tongue in my mouth when we lent in to make a kiss, reminding me of the unusual trick my mother would also play when I was a child, a mother who would also demand many kisses, whom I loved but also felt repulsed by, resulting in a revulsion that I believe I communicated maturely, and yet contributed to an ending of that relationship.
Furthermore, I have had little sexual experience in my adult life, after an initial high school relationship that consisted of frequent and numerous varied exploratory sexual acts resulting in orgasm but no intercourse. During my early adult years I went without a sexual partner for five years, and aside from the time I have been married, have continued to spend most time alone than with a sexual partner. I have grown accustomed to satisfying myself, habitually, sometimes two or three times a day, even when in a relationship, excited and aroused by simple and elaborate sexual fantasies. Frequently when alone I am unable to sleep until I have masturbated. Over time, my active and vivid fantasy life has become even more adventurous and experimental, as I broke one taboo after another in my mind. Initially my fantasies would have been relatively soft porn, featuring girls I either knew in real-life or onscreen and fancied, although respectfully not including girls whom I had real affection for. (?) Eventually my fantasies have included every sex-act I believe, regularly including homosexuality and bondage and other common society taboos. I wonder whether I should have remained more principled, heterosexual and moral even in my fantasy life, as I now feel guilt and confusion for where my fantasies have led.
I am also aware that my masturbation to ideal, un-real and taboo fantasies may have affected the level of excitement I experience in a real setting, although the actual reality of real presence is very satisfying to me. Additionally, I am ideal in my fantasies, thus creating a disappointing difference between my personal fantasized image and my real self.
I enjoy masturbating, am able to conjure incredible in-depth and realistic visions, situations and scenarios to the point where I have little or no need of pornography, although it will excite me if it is either particularly good, or particularly untypical.
My orgasms can give me an incredible high, much like a drug addicts rush I presume. I wonder whether I am suffering from addiction.
I have possibly suffered from stress and depression throughout my life, of varying degrees. I am currently possibly suffering from depression relating to my failure to achieve success in any aspect of my life, financially, domestically, physically, materially and emotionally. Living a life that I do not enjoy professionally, personally or spiritually.
I am fortunate for some things: a beautiful healthy daughter, a loving girlfriend, relatively good health, fitness and looks, sufficient employment, salary, accommodations and materialistic things.
I have considered telling all to my current partner, but wonder how much a girl can accept. I currently believe I may never be able to have long-term relationships, as I fear I may get tired of each partner eventually.
I have never explored homosexuality, and have no real understanding of whether it is just a fantasy or a suppressed reality or I. I believe I would explore homosexuality if I had the opportunity, but that applies to most things most people consider taboo. Whether I would find it preferable, I have no idea. Also, the number of my homosexual fantasies has increased over time, as I have accepted and come to terms with them, from a guilty confusing few, now consisting of maybe 50% of my fantasies. I am possibly bi-sexual, however I am too attracted to women to be simply gay.
For now, I will try restricting my masturbation habits, limit smoking and drinking and continue to engage in open loving low anxiety sex with my girlfriend, not striving for her or my orgasm but focusing on the mutual pleasure of the moment, until I can discover a true solution to my issues.
Any professional or personal comments are welcome.

Sounds to me like you are on the right track and have a good attitude.

Some cases of inhibited ejaculation are more easily dealt with and have a higher success rate and yours sounds like one of those. Of all the many causes of of this problem, the absolute hardest to cure is the married, masturbation and porn addicted husband who is physically replulsed by his wife. This situation is almost impossible to fix. You on the other hand, are in a relationship where you care for your partner and are sexually attracted to her and you can really build on that.

You are doing everything right. Stopping the masturbation will go a long way to getting you too the point where you are so horny all the other stuff will tend to get pushed aside in favour of orgasmic relief...that's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Your sexual history with your Mother sounds like you may be trying to find reasons in past history for today's sexual difficulties. The psychoanalysts may disagree, but I believe that this is a dead end. Many, many men have had much worse things happen to them sexually as children but go on to happy normal sex lives.

Also, I wouldn't discuss it with her unless she asks you about it and even then I wouldn't give her to much detail. Your realization of her knowing will end up being all you think about during intercourse and these types of thoughts will shut down your orgasmic response and probably kill your erection in the process.

In my patients I have found that success comes from not expecting too much. Inhibited ejaculation is (mostly) a psychologically caused dysfunction which can be amplified by low self esteem. Relax and forget about what she may or may not think. Satisfy her and take what pleasure you can from your sexual encounters. Don't put too much emphasis on (your) orgasm. With enough built up sexual desire and a "who gives a $#%^" attitude toward cumming in her vagina, you may just get a nice surprise some day soon.

My situation is different in one way than every post I've read here so far. By the way, who would have thought this problem is so widespread. Unbelievable.

My current girlfriend is hot. I am VERY attracted to her, physically and mentally. She feels the same. I can make her cum pretty much every time. And I enjoy that aspect immensely. I am 37 and she is 32. She is the most attractive girlfriend I've ever had (which I think is part of the problem I'm experiencing).

There are a couple of things here though that don't work well. First of all, during foreplay, I tend to get "wet". I.E. pre-cum that didn't seem to happen during 16 years of marriage. When this happens, which is most of the time, it takes me a very long time to cum, unfortunately (if I can at all). Sometimes I will not be hard (or maybe not even beginning to enlarge) yet and I've got this pre-cum situation going on.

The second situation is that she cums quite quickly in most cases and this leaves me with the feeling that I'm there just for myself, which is a feeling I don't enjoy (go figure, huh?).

I cum not even 25% of the time with her. It's killing me because of how well we get along, how similar we are, etc. In other words, outside of the bedroom we seem perfect for one another.

The difference between my ex-wife, with whom I enjoyed an excellent sex life with but couldn't stand any other aspect of our lives together, and my current girlfriend, is that the ex liked it very hard and fast. She could have many orgasms during sex and sometimes sex was like one long orgasm. The girlfriend's idea of hard and fast is about half of what the ex's idea is. She will typically have 1 hard orgasm and that's all she wrote. Although it took quite some time to cum with the ex (20 to 35 minutes?), it almost always happened (i.e. 98% of the time).

I could really use some help here people. Hope someone has some thoughts.

The first question any sex therapist talking to you should ask is -
Do You Masturbate? If so, how much? Do you use porn while maturbating? And most important. When you do masturbate how long does it take to ejaculate? If you are having the same time difficulties while masturbating alone you either have primary RE or RE that may be caused by a physical problem (see below) If like most men with RE you can ejaculate in a few minutes, say under 10 minutes when masturbating alone, then it is the more common type of RE which is a psychological or as the Docs call it, a psychosexual disorder.

Most men do masturbate but if in a relationship which is steady and where the man is sexually attracted to his partner, unless the fellow is a heavy porn user, he usually won't masturbate that often. I would guess this is the case with you. You can get regular sex so why masturbate? If you are a heavy masturbator then that could be what's causing the problem and if so read the other posts here talking about that.

Let's tackle this in the context that you just masturbate once in a while, perhaps when you know you won't be having sex with your partner for a few days. First, I think this pre-cum thing is not really anything. I don't think it has anything to do with your problem.

The simple fact is it takes you a long time to ejaculate when you do in fact ejaculate, which is not that often. Ruling out physical problems such as RE caused by some types antidepressents (SSRI's), nerve damage, diabetes, etc you have a classic case of what is called secondary retarded or as I prefer to call it, INHIBITED, ejaculation. And as I said, it is a psychological problem.

When it comes to sex most of the whole shootin match is in your head, not your penis. And as a matter of fact the mind can play tricks on you during sex. And with RE patients one of the dirtiest tricks the mind plays is to block sensation from the penis. One the primary complaints in RE is that the penis feels numb during intercourse and so, of course, you can't cum because you don't get stimulated enough.

Sex researches disgree as to what exactly causes this numbness but most believe it is being caused by subconscious negativity regarding sex. The most common of which is lack of sexual desire for the partner but I think we can rule that out in your case. Another thing is performance anxiety and again you might not even be aware of this on a conscious level. To you, you feel horny and ready to go but something deep inside is bothering you.

In some cases such as when a man is a widower and then gets a new girlfriend, this axiety can be caused by is guilt about resuming sex after his wife's death. It is also very common for men who have been in any kind of long term relationship to feel anxious when with a new sex partner. Another thing is self esteem. If you are down on yourself and are the type of person who desperately wants to be liked/loved and so you go out of your way to make people happy so they will like you, this can cause enormous amounts of performance anxiety during sex, especially with someone new. If you are trying to prove how studly you are with a woman....this can also put a psychological cork in your penis. You'd be amazed how many super macho guys have RE.

The brain/penis/orgasm feedback system is extremely sensitive. So sensitive in fact that it is a miracle most of us are able to have successful sexual intercourse as much as we do.

One thing not mentioned that much in the RE literature (what there is of it) is the connection between not being able to ejaculate and erectile difficulties. One reason you don't hear too much about the RE/erection connection is that most men with RE get what are called AUTOMATIC ERECTIONS which are mentioned elsewhere in this thread. The joke goes that RE men are eternal optimists and "the workhorses of sex" and they believe they SHOULD have an orgasm even if they are no where near aroused enough. The brain tries to help out by giving them erections that can last hours. However, in some men, who may be very sensitive or very anxious about the fact they can't cum, this anxiety can create negative feedback in the brain/ penis connection and shut down the erection. This could be what's happening to you.

RE gets tricky to treat is cases like yours where the problems are not that consistent. For example, you had no trouble cumming with your ex wife although it took longer than usual. But with the new GF you are ejaculating much less. But inconsistancy in a sexual dysfunction can also giive us clues as to the source of the dysfunction.

Now I am not a doctor or a professional sex therapist but I am studyng and hope to soon get my degree in Sex Therapy...so as far as advice goes, you get what you pay for. That being said here's my take on your problem.

There is a certain amount of anxiety involved with your new partner. Her orgasmic rhythym is totally different from you ex wife's. Even though you had timing problems with the wife, there wasn't so much pressure on you to "hurry up and finish" because she was multiorgasmic and could go as long as you needed.

So during sex with the GF you probably have non sexual anxious thoughts just above or below the surface of your consciousness. These thoughts are setting up a negative feedback pattern that is effecting both your ability to reach your orgasmic threshold and perhaps, (as in most RE cases) causing the penis to lose sensitivity and feel numb effecting your ability to get and/or keep an erection.

Now this may or may not be the problem. But because RE can be caused by everything from being bored with your partner to being sexually abused as a child with dozens of other causes in between, to really get to the root of the problem, get some professional help. A thorough sexual history is extremely important in treating RE. Getting a clear bill of health from a medical doctor or Urologist will also rule out many physical causes of RE.

But if you think I am have pinpointed your particular problem then here's what you do. First, don't obsess about cumming. You are giving it to her doggy style and looking down at her ass and thinking..."she getting bored, she's getting pissed off, she knows something is wrong with me.....I MUST cum!!!" With this kind of $#%^ rolling around in your brain OF COURSE you're not going to have an orgasm. Relax, if it happens, it happens. If you can cum with oral sex, do that. If you can't cum by any means with her try masturbating while she licks your balls. Experiment with what makes you feel good. She sounds like she's pretty easily orgasmic so at least you don't have that to worry about too. Get her off and then play around a bit.

And don't discuss the problem with her because that will just add one more negative thought that's going to bounce around in your mind during sex. ie: "she KNOWS what's wrong with me and she's
worried about whether I will cum or not"

There has been alot of talk on this site about sensate focus therapy. In some cases of RE it makes it worse but in your case it might help. Ask about it if you see a sex therapist or Google SENSATE FOCUS and read the description of how it's done. You don't need a doc to do it - it's something you and your partner can do on your own. It's just a series of excersizes that are supposed to get you to the point where you can ejaculate in a vagina.

Another thing you might want to try if most other treaments fail is a pharmachological method of treating RE. Its is new and not that well known but you could ask your doctor about it. You take the smallest dose of a NON-SSRI antidepressent (SSRI's can CAUSE RE) called WELLBUTRIN which probably won't effect your mood any if you are not depressed, take it daily for two weeks. When you are about to have sex take 50 milligrams of Viagra. What happens is the Wellbutrin raises your dopamine levels slightly which will make you a little more horny than usual. The Viagra will not just keep your penis erect and therefore give you one less thing to worry about, but it will heighten it's sensitivity. Neither drug is going to have super dramatic effects but they will help in getting you to the point of no return orgasmically while having intercourse.

Don't take any drugs unless you are under a doctor's supervision. Most medical doc won't know about this but some sex therapists might and they can recommend that your doctor give you a prescrip for Wellbutrin and Viagra. If you can't get the Wellbutrin try the Viagra by itself, it is easier to get. Viagra won't make you hornier but, like I said, it gives a slight increase in penis sensitivity and one less thing to worry about (your hardon) during sex. And also take note-- Viagra won't work unless you are already aroused which you seem to have no trouble with. If the Wellbutrin/Viagra combo works you won't have to take the Wellbutrin for years and years because what usually happens is once you get so you are regularly ejaculating inside a vagina, you build up enough confidence to wean yourself off the Wellbutrin and even not take Viagra anymore if you choose. The whole Wellbutrin Viagra thing usually takes about two or three months with good effects seen in about 3 to 6 weeks. Also in most cases the libido raising effect of Wellbutrin tends to wear off after the body adjusts to the drug, usually after 3 or 4 months, larger doses after that don't seem to have the same effect although if it doesn't work after a month or so you may want to increase the dose but check with your doc first...don't just take two pills instead of one. And keep in mind like most antidepressent drugs, Wellbutrin takes 2 to 4 weeks to build up sufficient levels in your bloodstream to be effective.

I've heard some on this treatment say they pretty much gave up on it after a month or so, didn't feel any different then suddenly they found themselves one day getting to the point of no return during vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse. needless to say they were amazed and delighted. But as with all therapies...your mileage may vary.

The main thing is to get yourself to the point where you don't really care whether you cum in her or not, where you are not really thinking about anything during sex-- just physical input only. That's when it will happen.

Where do I send the cheque?

Thanks very much for your time and help.

I've gotten so much out of people's stories of their personal struggle with inhibited ejaculation here's mine.

I've had this problem for about 25 years. I'm 45 now and as I look back it started when I was about 20. Before that I never had any problems. From the age of 12 I always had a very high sex drive. Even at that young age, when the other boys were out playing sports I was in the basement with the neighbourhood girls trying to get their pants off. I remember I used to physically shake I'd get so excited. And during my teen years I had lots of girlfriends but while in school sex was mostly only on the weekends. In between I'd steal one of my older brother's Playboys and whack off to that.

When I left home and got my own place I was soon getting all the sex I wanted. But I started noticing that after a few times having sex with the same girls I'd no longer get that turned on. I'd get bored and my penis would get soft, or I wouldn't be able to cum. It didn't happen with all my more than once partners but it did happen with most.

As I got into my mid 20's it started happening with every woman I was with after just a few times having sex with her. At the time I didn't think much about it. I wasn't that interested in any long term relationships anyway because I was working to further my career which took up alot of my time. I just figured I got bored easily and so I changed partners everytime the "thrill" was gone.

So needless to say for the next 8 years or so I had sex with about three dozen women, mostly one night stands. I was on the road all the time working so I also had alot of hookers. I found that hookers were really what I prefered. It was exciting to be able to have sex without any responsibilty or worries about performing. I was the boss because I was paying. But more than that it was the ability to look over a bunch of women and choose which one I wanted, like a kid in a candy store. To this day hooker sex is still the best sex I ever had. Back in those days I even sometimes returned to the same girls over and over and never had any ejaculation problems like I would with "normal" girls after a few times in the sack.

In my mid 30's I got engaged and sex was rotten with her right from the beginning. We got along pretty good but I didn't find her that sexually attractive. She had pretty much everything else I wanted in a woman though so I married her. For the first year or so she didn't want to get pregnant because she was working and offerred to go on the birth control pill. I told her it was better if I continued to use a condom. She thought I was concerned about her health and long term use of the pill. But what it really was that with condoms I could continue to do what I'd been doing since we met, fake orgasms because I just couldn't get horny enough to cum inside her. Sex with her was unbelievably boring and I was turned off by her flat chest and big ass.

I faked for about the first year but during that year I was getting my relief from porn and got into it pretty heavy. I visited the odd hooker once in awhile but it was dangerous because if my wife ever found out she'd throw me out. So after awhile I stopped going to hookers and just used porn.

A few years later the internet came along and I was in porno heaven. I got really good at finding free porn, believing that only suckers pay for porn. The usenet was a godsend and when I got a cable modem I was downloading high quality full length porno videos and cataloging them on my hard drive.

By this time I had stopped having sex with my wife altogether. She was pissed at first but I just told her I had a sexual dysfunction and after awhile she stopped asking. So now I'm in a sexless marriage and would like to get out there and get some real variety again but so far I haven't wanted to risk it. A year ago I went off the porn cold turkey for six months and didn't masturbate. I wanted to see if maybe I could ejaculate with my wife but as before no luck. We tried everything oral, vaginal, her jackin me but I always came up dry even though I can cum when by myself in about a minute. I even tried jackin myself in front of her but no luck.

I went to a couple of therapists (at my wife's insistance) but they couldn't figure out what the problem was.

My theory is some guys need variety to get turned on. If the wife doesn't turn them on and they want to stay married, porn is basically all they have. I wish I could go back to hookers or multiple partners but of course my wife says she'll leave me if I do that.

Its a real bad situation and I'd like to know if anyone else is having a similar experience and what they are doing about it.

Sounds like a classic case of secondary situational inhibited ejaculation. Probably some people reading your story would say you have Madonna/Whore or fear of intimacy or commitment but I don't think it's as complicated as that. I think you are like a small percentage of men who have a very high orgasmic threshold. The timing of your disorder makes me believe that it may be a testosterone problem that's causing you to have such a high threshold rather than a psychological problem. At puberty you got a sudden dramatic increase in testosterone just like most men do. But I think yours was maybe higher than most which explains your attempts at intercourse at 12 years. The testosterone levels start to dip when you get into your 20's and I think with you the dip to normal or maybe even below normal levels caused a sudden, maybe not LOSS of interest in sex, but you found yourself not getting nearly as excited. Most guys hardly notice the lesser hormone levels at that age but with you the difference between what you had and what you ended up with was very dramatic. And as you got older and your testoserone levels dipped even more you needed harder and harder types of sexual activity in order to have an orgasm. I can see why sex with one person or married sex wouldn't give you enough stimualtion because you needed the sexual excitemet of hard core illicit sex or multiple partners. You might try getting your testosterone levels checked. If they are low you can get a patch which slowly releases the hormones into you bloodstream. This might not be that effective in bringing down your orgasmic threshold though, because you have trained yourself over the years with hookers and hard porn and this might have put up some kind of psychological barrier to regular sexual encounters with your wife. Psychoanyalisis might be in order along with hormone therapy.

I don't know if it's hormones or not but I always liked hard core kinky sex. I like to watch it and do it. Regular sex have never really interested me. The problem is it is hard to find that kind of sex unless you are single or you pay for it.