Situational Retarded Ejaculation

Our two cases are very similar. I am able to ejaculate only the first few times I am with a woman. Then I find myself getting bored and the RE problems start. When I look at porn it's the same thing. I can't watch any given movie more that once or twice without getting bored.

I think some people just need a certain level of excitement during sex which isn't possible once a relationship gets established. The old saying "familiarity breeds contempt" rings true. Although I would reword it as "familiarity breeds boredom"

I have been in alot of different kinds of therapy over the years and have come to believe that my sexual perference for newness is just who I am. It has made a mess of my marriage because I too suffered ED and the inability to ejaculate with my wife and this started a few months after the wedding. Instead of being fun, sex became a chore and was very stressful. I did it to keep my wife happy. I told her not to worry about me and that it had nothing to do with her. I can give her orgasms orally and with my hand but I get nothing out of it. I like being married which is why I stay on. Plus I know the same thing would happen with any other woman.

When I was single I just broke up with the woman and moved on once I got bored. Now I feel trapped sexually and porn and masturbation is my only outlet. The great thing about porn is the constant variety which mimics what I had before I was married.

Psychoanalysis may help me understand why I have a sexual preference for newness but I doubt anything can change the preference and cure the retarded ejaculation and erection problems. I have none of these problems when I masturbate by myself. I have tried moving the porn and self masturbation into sex with my wife but like most women she doesn't like porn, or at least the kind I like (lots of anal, black and asian women, multiple girls on one guy) and the so-called "couples" porn out there leaves me cold.

I have learned to live with the situation and that's the best alot of us with RE can hope for.

It will be 3 wks tomorrow since I quit masturbating.

I notice a great increase in penile sensitivity. I have stronger erections in the a.m. and, just for a test, when I give my penis a stroke or two I notice that the base (near the scrotum) is as sensitive as the frenelum (the most senstive part under the glans {head}) used to be!

I look forward to excellent sexual experiences.

So far, I'm finding this to be highly effective as to penile sensitivity and I'm also aroused much more easily. I think of sex pretty much all the time now. In fact, I'm getting to the grinding-of-the-teeth stage and want to use my newly revived member very soon. However, I still wish to continue with my abstaining; the skin on my penis is still a bit rough and I want to soften it as much as possible. I can't remember the last time I was this lustful; I've been masturbating too much my whole adult life.

I'm starting to have a whole new relationship to my sexuality.

I don't know why there isn't more attention paid to abstaining from any manipulation of the penis for RE sufferers? Many folk on this forum seem very pro-pharmaceutical which doesn't appeal to me; the drug co.'s are mostly concerned with profits and I dont' trust many of their products. Why worry about paying overpaid shrinks and doctors for easy, band-aid solutions when some of us, I'm sure, can simply fix our RE by getting another hobby besides pleasuring ourselves too much?

Hey Jay. The first thing any therapist is going to tell an RE guy to do is stop masturbating and watching porn too if he's into that.. And for the lucky few that's all it takes. But the intense sexual anxiety most guys with RE have needs all the weapons you can throw at it. Psychotherapy, pharmacuticals (what few there are that actually work)and co-operation on the part of the partner to make changes to her looks and sexual attitude to help the man's arousal.

If just stopping the masturbations ends up working for you then you can count yourself one of the lucky ones who's RE is not that severe. For the rest of us all we can do is keep trying everything that we can.

Psych RE,
Your story should be especially helpful to all of us because it was so thorough and presented in a chronological or sequential way though the years as the problems became real to you. The thoughts you presented and especially the questions you asked were all the right ones which made it special.

After reading you story, I typed in delayed ejaculation and retarded ejaculation in the new Google Book - Search Beta and found most of the books on the market and where the the words DE and RE were found in the texts. There is a substantial listing of textbooks and popularly written ones with these words but the content in each book is limited as expected. One book that was listed entitled, "Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time" by Stephen A. Mitchell, told the story of one man with retarded E, starting on page 31. Mitchell (deceased, died at age 54) was the first president of the International Association of Relational Psychoanaysis. Being in psychoanalysis as you have over the years, I'm wondering if this is a book that you've read and might recommend if you have? The book appears to be written about familiarity and boredom in relationships and one where some types of RE could result from.

OK, if there are others with more severe RE, I'm sorry if I discredited their plight. I just was trying to help by pointing out the importance of stopping masturbation. --J.

Hi All!

I am 28 years old and my husband is 33. We have been married for 5 years now. Both of us have had no sex before our marriage. He has been and will be my only sex partner and it is the same for him too. We both love each other very much. We enjoy each other's company and have a wonderful marriage.
My problem - Both of us want to concieve and have a baby. He wants to have a baby as much as I do. But, we have not yet experienced vaginal ejaculation. I think he has a mild Retarted Ejaculation problem. I say mild because, (after reading many forums) he is able to ejaculate in my presence. He is not able to do it when penetrating.
I must tell u a liitle about my husband. He is a very sensitive and shy guy. Does not like to talk a lot about sex. I cannot even imagine convincing him to talk to a doctor. I know that he does not mastrubate a lot. Probably once or twice a week. Porn - also rare. I think his only problem in performance anxiety. He thinks he has failed as a husband and is almost frightened to have sex thinking that he is going to fail every time.

Should I talk to him about the Retarded Ejaculation Dysfunction?
Knowing him, I am sure he does not know that there is problem in men called R.E. and that he is not alone. Should I tell him that this is what his problem is? - will this increase his anxiety now that I know or actually help him when I tell him that I understand?
Please advice.

The information that I have obtained through various chat rooms such as this one has truly broadened my knowledge on the topic. I am 29 and my fiancee is 44, we are recently engaged after six very turbulent years of dating. Before we reconciled (this time) we had a very healthy sex life, but now....it isn't good. For a while (before deciding to research the topic and luckily finding people who suffer from the same issue) I truly believed that it was because of the women he had been with between our "break ups", perhaps better, more wild, prettier, sexier.....alot of things that have truly affected/devastated my self-esteem. After lots of research I realize that this is still very possible, but that there may also be various other reasons. Though I have always realized that this is very difficult for him and I have always tried to approach any discussion of our sex life in a light note (suggesting porn or toys or different positions) I am moved by the many women that have shared their feelings and have helped me to realize that though this a definitely difficult for men, the affects that it has on their partners is also difficult. I am completely dissatisfied with our sex life and no longer have any desire to attempt any type of sexual activity with him, I realize that this may seem extremely self-fish, but unfortunately, because I have always enjoyed sex because the greatest pleasure for me was to please my partner, his inability to have an orgasm despite position, oral intervention, or any other method, has completely depleted me of enjoying any sexual act with him. Is there any hope for a healthy sex life after an individual begins to suffer from this? Is there anything that I can do or try that can rekindle our past love life? Any advice or suggestions are welcomed....thanks.

Sad_Girl,

I'm sorry you and your husband are having such difficulties. I'm wondering if your husband and you tried abstaining from all sexual activity for a month including his masturbation and porn, if that wouldn't work (I'm currently at day 28 of no masturbation and find that my penis is gaining a large amount of sensitivity -- I masturbated on average 4 X/week for almost 20 years). Perhaps getting him to the point where he's very, very aroused would work.

Also, I'm wondering if you're using condoms or not? That's a huge issue for me; the next woman I'm with, I'm going to insist that we're tested for STI's and she use a diaphragm with spermicidal foam as well.

I know how hard it was for me to initially talk about my sex life with my first partner... I felt "frozen" when she asked if there was anything she could do to please me more.

It took me years to tell a doctor about my RE... that I'd never ejaculated with vaginal intercourse... he was just a general practitioner and he asked me "How long does it take you to orgasm when you masturbate?"

"A half hour usually," I replied.

"Oh, she'll come to appreciate you. These women who think they're frigid when they find a man like you will really appreciate you," he said.

"But, I've never ejaculated with a woman unless she uses her hand."

"You will," he said.

Well, he was right about just relaxing and being happy that I don't have premature ejaculation. However, he missed a crucial point: men with RE can also have some physiological disturbances as well. For instance, if they've masturbated for years and years, not only are the fantasies omnipresent but their penises get so used to their hands, it becomes impossible to ejaculate any other way.

In my opinion, you and your husband really need to talk in a way that "lightens" things up and you need to really level with him and tell him how you feel about this situation in a way that doesn't make him feel inadequate which might be extremely difficult.

I would think that saying something like:
"Are there some new things we could try to help you come?" would be good. Including "we" in the equation instead of just him will make him feel less solely responsible.

You might also say some things to the affect of: "Honey, I really love you and I want you to have an orgasm with me and I understand that it's not because you don't love me or think I'm attractive that you can't right now. I've been on the internet a bit, doing some research, I hope you don't feel like I've betrayed you by doing this but I found that there are many, many couples who have this problem and they've posted many solutions. I also want you to know that I haven't told anyone about this. It's our life together and that's how I want it. It's OK to have this difficulty."

Then, I guess the ball's in his court after telling him something like that. If he doesn't come out of his shell after all that, I don't know what else you could try.

Best of luck. Keep us posted, please.

Many women give up on men with severe RE. This of course imprints the stigma and causes what might be a curable problem into an incurable one. In some cases the result is a long term sexless marriage. In the worst case she walks out . This causes him to doubt his abilities with any furture women in his life and he might end up alone. Certainly if a spouse had any other type of problem like heart disease or cancer a woman would think long and hard about abandoning her husband. But with RE it seems, because the woman is sexually unsatisfied, she feels little guilt about leaving. This is the wrost nightmare of every man with RE.

Jay Dubb - Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.
To answer some of your questions - we do not use condoms now, since we are trying to concieve. We have also tried and abstained from sex for 2 months once. That did not help. The more I stay away from him the worse it gets once we try to have sex. I don't know what to do.

I did have a conversation with my husband. I sat him down and slowly started by saying that he is the most important person in my life and that I am only trying to help him out. I told him that I have been doing some research online and that there are a lot of other people with the same problem and it also has a name - RE.
As I was talking, I saw tears in his eyes. It brought tears in my eyes too. He feels very guilty and told me that he has destroyed my life and that all he wants is to make me happy, but he is just not able to do it. The conversation got very emotional and I had to stop at that.
I am planning to bring it up probably after a few days. I am a little confused - some people say that the men should mastrubate and try and ejaculate closer to the vagina and other people say that men should not mastrubate at all for 2 to 3 weeks. Which one should I ask him to follow?

Now that I know that so many other people are suffering with the same problem, I have included everybody in my prayers. Since I am going through this, I know how difficult it is to cope up with everyday life. Now that especially when we think it is time for us to start a family, the pressure has increased infinitely.
Thanks