Situational Retarded Ejaculation

It's been very interesting reading your posts on situational retarded ejaculation. My husband has never ejaculated with any woman although he can do it very quickly during (atypical) masturbation.

Recently I learned the real reason - he is actually a repressed gay. This possibility doesn't seem to have come up in this forum - could your patient be similar?

I've recently started a new relationship (2 mos.) where the emotional,physical and mental feelings are present on both of our sides. My partner has been able to orgasm once during vaginal and three times with oral intercourse, however the ratio involving the number of times where no orgasm has occurred on his part is about six to one. He becomes aroused with no problem, as when we're on the phone if a "sexy" comment is made or any other random connection through eye contact or observation...so I don't believe that attraction is the issue. However, when I brought this discussion up to explore possible answers, the following were raised; 1) he states that his desire for masturbation has decreased since our dating...meaning he wakes up with an erection but has little motivation to continue because it would not be as stimulating as when having sex 2) In the past, he has only experienced erections with no orgasm several times before (about 4, not partner specific) due mainly to alcohol influence 3) He states that he can feel the strings of the IUD I use, however it is a stimulating sensation rather than an uncomfortable or distracting one, but it is admitably a new experience as no previous partner used this birth control method 4) He summarized that his feelings and thoughts are these: he has never felt so attracted and in love with someone before (wanting to be with the other often, intercourse itself irregardless of orgasm feeling so pleasurable, and the new emotion of elusive "true" love-disbelief and awe) so possibly the experience of heated sexual passion combined with the stereotypical perception that admirable couples (for example parents or President/First lady) don't exude that type of behavior might be an internal conflict.
I feel supportive and patient to explore whatever may be the cause for this disorder, but still can't help but wonder if I'm fooling myself or vice versa. Earlier posts brought up various reasons from masturbation to possible homosexuality (a best friend of his is gay, but that to me is a non-issue) to childhood trauma, however I'm trying not to dwell on it too much for fear that it will only heighten the anxiety and prevent natural regression of the symptom with time.
What other questions, if any, should I be asking myself/him to address any repressed thoughts or hidden issues to better perceive the cause/truth of the situation? Or am I really not being as patient as I would like to think I have been? Thanks for any help or insight.

Well I think that being Gay can cause a man to be unable to ejaculate with a woman but only insofar as his desire level is not as high as it should be because of his gayness. Perhaps he doesn't want to be gay or have gay feelings and is trying to repress them. This can add to the stress and also cause RE.

But rememeber most specialists believe RE is a desire problem. The man just isn't horny enough to be able to finish the sex act. He may not even realize that this is the case, as someone mentioned in an earlier post.

Many men with this problem can get good erections and can go and go and go...way past the point where the partner is satisfied and probably exhausted.

But Gay men suffering with RE because they are trying to have intercourse with a woman are just a tiny minority and no woman should jump to the conclusion that their man is Gay just because he can't cum.

If your relationship is new and you aren't married then the best way to find out what's going on is to get some history. Most RE is situational....it happens with some women and not others. If it has happened every time, with every partner then it may be an organic problem...something not right with his plumbing and he should see a uruologist.

However, if he complains that he can't cum because his penis feels numb don't immediately think that he has a physical problem. Almost all retarded ejaculators complain of this numbness, but it is usually always a psycholigical problem caused but not being turned on enough.

If his history is such that he only experiences RE with some women then it could be a desire problem or a low self esteem/performance anxiety thing. He may feel you are too good for him. He may not even really realize this but it is at the subconcious level. Or it could be a physical aspect of the woman that is turning him off despite being attracted to the woman's personality. When it comes to sex men, unlike women, depend on the visual far more.

Getting him to talk is important. Men who lack desire may be turned off by the women's looks, weight, or some other physical trait he doesn't like. Or he may resent having to do all the work. RE sufferers want to please but resent getting nothing in return.

If self esteem is the problem you must build up his sense of self by
reassuring him that he is indeed a great guy and you are so lucky to have him. This may sound silly but it really helps to get his confidence up and help him to relax enough to attain orgasm.

Men in long term relationships who have grown tired of their partners and have turned to masturbation may be the hardest of all RE patients to treat. If porn is involved it makes the problem much worse as they have trained themselves to only be turned on by fantasy sex and normal spousal sex will cause him to lack the desire to achieve orgasm.

Most men with the above problems would suffer not retarded ejaculation, but rather erectile difficulty. It is only men who believe they SHOULD be pleasing their partner out of duty or just because it is the right thing to do, that can attain erections but cannot ejaculate. This men are usually deeply sensitive and suffer from low self esteem and a guilty conscience. This fits the classic profile of the Retarded Ejaculator...a nice guy trying his best to do the right thing.......only able to give pleasure during lovemaking not to take it for himself.

I've had RE ever since I was in my early 20's. Like most guys with this problem it is situational. In other words I can "###$" with no problem but I can't "Make Love" ...I mean, I can go through the motions with someone I care about but can't achieve orgasm. With women who I'm attracted to but don't really have any feelings for, I don't have the problem and can cum.

I have been to many therapists but none has been able to help. They say it has something to do with a fear of itimacy. I don't really
agree and I think I just get tired of the same partner after the first few times we are together. It has cost me two marriages but now, at age 52, I am finally learning to live with it. I think this is just something you are born with.

One website described retarded ejaculators in long term relationships as experiencing "sex without pleasure" I agree with this 100% and I think we should admire those men who engage in sex with their long term partners despite the inability to ejaculate and reach orgasm, especially those who's RE is not just vaginal but happens during any kind of sexual encounter with a partner.

One cannot but feel sorry for those who are in long term relationships such as marriage who have stopped having partner sex altogether and have turned exclusively to masturbation because their experience of the sex act is stressful, humiliating and yes, totally without any kind of pleasure. That these marriages survive at all is a testament to couple's love for each other transcending the sexual dysfunction.

For those RE sufferers to whom sexual intercourse and orgasm is an important part of their life, it can be a lonely existence as they move from partner to partner, only able to have an orgasm during the first few encounters, then moving on to someone new.

This is by far the most tragic of the male sexual dysfunctions and more research should be done to try and find a cure.

One of the hardest parts of having R.E. is trying to find information and this problem and finding a therapist who can help. As far as information goes the internet has been of some help but most websites just repeat the same thing over and over, basically just describing what it is and not giving any information on treatment.

I was so happy to stumble across this discussion group where I have learned more about my condition that I have in over two years of doing research. I did find one better than average site ....

http://www.stanleyducharme.com/resource ... l_ejac.htm

and here's a quote from their section on retarded ejaculation:

>>>>>>Ejaculatory problems can have a devastating affect on self-esteem. Men with ejaculation problems undoubtedly have feelings of inadequacy, feelings of failure and a negative view of themselves. They feel that they have little to offer in a relationship and to tend to avoid emotional and physical intimacy. Over time, partners become frustrated and communication becomes strained. Thus, resentments, anger and feelings of rejection often accompany an ejaculation problem. In couples where ejaculation is an issue, the partner often internalizes this dysfunction as their mistake; the partner feels responsible ultimately intensifying the man's stress and performance anxiety.<<<<<<

>>>>>Ejaculation problems may also contribute to a low libido and lack of interest in sexual activity. Without ejaculation, sex can become a source of frustration and devoid of satisfaction. As a result, sexual activity can be perceived as more work than pleasure. In some cases, the woman may not be interested in sexual intimacy because of her frustration and anger at the situation. Ultimately in such cases, couples agree to avoid sexual contact rather than face the emotional pain of another sexual failure.<<<<<<

This describes my situation 100% and like others here I too need
quite a bit of visual and mental stimulation to be able to ejaculate. I don't have a problem masturbating by myself, especially if I use porn. But having to have sex with the same partner more than a few times always shuts down by sexual excitement and I can't have an orgasm. My wife and I stopped having sex even before we got married and the marriage was only consumated with great difficulty five years later when we wanted to have kids. The only way I could ejaculate with her was by watching porn while we had sex. But she hates porno so when the kids were born we stopped having sex much to my relief because I found it as described in the above quote. And like the quote also says we stopped mainly because we couldn't handle the stress and pain of another sexual failure. I am happy masturbating. I'd like to go out with other women so I could have an orgasm with physical contact but I want to stay married so that isn't an option.

I wish someone could come up with a way to help treat this awful sex problem. All the psychiatrists and sex therapists I have been to gave up after a few months.

I will go and ask my doctor about going on Wellbutrin to see if that will help.

Thanks for all the good comments. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with this.

the treatment suggested at the bottom of Ducharme's website for retarded ejaculation is just a rehash of Masters and Johnson's sensate focus therapy which, as has been mentioned a few times in this thread...doesn't work for RE and can, in fact make the situation worse because it puts the man under even more pressure to perform.

http://www.my-penis.org/ejaculation-problems-2.html

Another good site dealing with RE. The treatment advice is the same as Bernard Apfelbaum's....to tell your partner she doesn't turn you on enough to have an orgasm. This approach is very cool and most of us RE guys would love to just say "look you don't get me hot so let me alone to masturbate alone and you feel free to do the same."

Trouble is, if we did that we wouldn't have a partner to complain to. RE men who enjoy having a wife and family are trapped with no way out.

When I first started getting treatment for my RE from a sex therapist he came right out and told me on the first visit that the Masters and Johnson Sensate Focus Therapy just does not work for most couples dealing with RE. The only sucess he had with this type of treatment was with men who could ejaculate in a vagina after a half hour or more of thrusting. And men with this milder form of RE do sometimes respond to the M&J therapy.

For most RE patients who can only ejaculate by masturbating themselves alone the cure rate is very low although he said that the use of Surrogates had a very high success rate.

Most men with RE can ejaculate on the first and sometimes even the second or third encounter with a stranger and this fact is used to help the RE man gain confidence in his ability to be able to ejaculate inside a woman.

It worked for me and no most times I can cum inside my wife especially if I can be distracted with and Xrated movie while we have intercourse.

Unfortunatelly Surrogate Partner therapy is only available in the larger cities like Chicago, New York and Los Angeles.

While I think there is some truth to all the theories put forth in the discussion as to the causes of Retarded Ejaculation, I think that any physician or therapist, after having ruled out RE caused by antidepressent drugs, childhood sexual abuse and organic causes,
should then concentrate his or her focus on the patients masturbation history and style.

The Retarded Ejaculator's numb penis and lack of arousal during intercourse could be a sign that the man has grown so used to his masturbatory fantasies, grip style and the state of mind he's in when he masturbates, that partner sex is not as arousing as it should be.

Throw in easily available pornography and months or years of not having a steady sexual partner (especially before marriage) and you begin to see a reliance on masturbation as the primary sexual activity. The brain gets hardwired to expect certain stimuli during the sex act. This stimuli is just not present (or is not intense enough) during vaginal, oral or anal sex with the partner.

During sex with another person, Tte man may be willing, and aroused, but during intercourse his brain begins to register a problem (this is not what sex usually feels like) and then a slight panic can set in. This in turn sets off the release of arousal killing chemicals in the brain. Any arousal state the man was in begins to dimiinish and ejaculation becomes difficult if not impossible.

One interesting and little understood result of this dwindling of the aroused state is that many retarded ejaculators remain erect and can continue for minutes or even hours thrusting away without any hope of release.

Once this has happened once or twice the man begins to get "gun shy" and performance anxiety can begin, even hours before sex (especially with a new partner) and this becomes a self fullfilling prophecy.

At this point many men learn ways to keep thier arousal at a high level. One frequent way to do this for single men is to change sexual partners frequently as the sexual excitement of being with someone new can allow for a high enough state of arousal for ejaculation to take place.

Others need kinky sex, sex with prostitutes or certain types of sex acts in order to climax.

Married men or men in long term relationships have a particularly difficult time because unless they stray outside the relationship they are encountering the same sexual situation over and over. With no orgasm to make the sex act worthwhile, many men avoid the partner all together and turn to self masturbation...the proven, time tested and least anxiety provoking way to achieve sexual satisfaction. Some married men have overcome this by viewing video pornography during intercourse with, in most cases, the half hearted approval pf a partner at the point of trying anything to remain sexually active with the RE sufferer.

In fact many of these men get to the point where partner sex is so stressful...like walking a minefield...that they turn to self masturbation exclusivly. The toll on marriages and relationships is high in these cases and infertility can also become a point of friction in a marriage, although other methods (cup and syringe) of delivering sperm into the vagina has worked for some couples.

Masturbation should be looked at by Doctors and Sex Therapists more closely in men presenting with Retarded Ejaculation. In days past, men simply fantasized while masturbatiing or purused the pages of erotic books or magazines. In most cases partner sex (the real thing) turned out to be a much more intense and arousing experience than simple masturbation.

But today, with internet and other forms of pornography so easily available in such massive quantities and catering to every imaginable sexual fantasy, the masturbatory experience has become much more real and very intense. The man can have a different graphic or video fantasy every single time he masturbates. The cybersexual experience- high levels of arousal and hard core sex acts viewed easily in the comfort of one's home, become the prefered method of sexual release and train the mind to expect those kinds of stimuli. It is such a different experience from partner sex that it causes a man's sexual system to be out of synch with the feelings and pleaures of real life sexual experience. This in turn manifests itself physically in the inibility to ejaculate.